Nettles Nitty-Gritty

It's Official--2009 and Cancer Treatment are Over

2010-01-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

Here are the kids celebrating the holidays. Kate and Parker really enjoyed "gingerbread" house making in Mrs. Werner's class. Hunter got the chance to be "Pat" the Patriot during a girls' basketball game. Kate danced enthusiastically and was rewarded with 6 pink roses during her Christmas recital for Dance Unlimited. Tadman and Parker enjoyed trying out their new Christmas gifts on Christmas Day. (I hope to someday be less computer challenged and insert pictures throughout my blog instead of all at the beginning!)

For all my blog followers, let the celebration begin. Thursday I said my goodbyes to the radiology techs, to Buck, the radiology greeter/scheduler, to Pat, the head nurse in the chemotherapy suite, to Cecil, the parking lot attendant, and to the treatment that has occupied much of the past eleven months of my life. It was an emotional day for me, filled with both relief and regret, relief that I can be a better wife, mother, and household manager than I have been the past year, and regret that I'm leaving the most significant support system of my life, with the exception of family and very close friends, behind. As I stated last time I wrote, now I have no more excuses for being less than my best self. Now I live in a world of all kinds of people, and not just cancer patients and the people dedicated to making them better. I lose the warmth and security of being in a place where I have something in common with every other person in the room, where you can pick up a warm stocking cap crocheted with love by a person you'll never meet, and where you're treated like royalty to make up for the fact that you're there to be treated for cancer. On the other hand, I liked the feeling of watching Kate perform at the half time of a Centennial JV basketball game a few days ago knowing I was just another healthy, supportive mom in the crowd, not a cancer patient. So life goes forward without regard to whether I'm ready or not. I hope I am...
Most of you know already of the other significant post Christmas celebration in the Nettles family. Hunter, Greg, and I drove down to the Phoenix area on New Year's Day to be at the Fiesta Bowl. It took us 16 hours to drive down, and 16 to drive back, but for that minor inconvenience we were rewarded with glorious weather, a nice room with free cooked-to-order breakfast, and a great football game. Hunter had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to work the sidelines as a Boise State ball boy, and was on the field with the team during the awarding of the MVP and Fiesta Bowl trophies. He got a sweet shirt and hat declaring Boise State Fiesta Bowl champions, and had a great time. Greg and I hope he has a grasp of how cool it all was. We'll save him some newspaper clippings and ticket stubs to show his grand kids. For me it was especially delightful, as it was the first bowl game of the season I had actually watched from kick-off to conclusion, and those of you who know how much I love football will know that I was extremely disappointed to have missed watching so many good games. Unfortunately it made winter break go even faster, and it was hard to get back at 2 a.m. Tuesday night and hit the ground running with school, work, and radiation the very next day.
So although they occurred on January 4 and January 14, the Fiesta Bowl and the end of radiation are officially on my end of 2009, as opposed to beginning of 2010, calendar. It was a long, difficult year, but full of triumphs, one-of-a-kind moments, and life-defining experiences. I am grateful for the growth I have had, and pray that there will be no back-peddling, but that 2009 will serve as a springboard to 2010. I resolve to continue to cherish my family, and each precious moment I get to spend with them. I resolve to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to forgive imperfections and mistakes. I resolve to keep my body as healthy as I can by eating well and moving often. I resolve to be a light to my husband and kids, my extended family, and all those I come in contact with and to spend the majority of my time in the service of others. I resolve to live with joy and try to spread it to all those I come in contact with. I resolve to spend a little of each day counting my blessings and acknowledging their source.
Thank you, friends, for sharing this journey with me, for pulling me up when I was going under, for taking care of my kids, household, and obligations when I was unable to do so, and for enduring to the end of a VERY long treatment schedule. You are all ANGELS in my book and my gratitude will be eternal.

Merry Christmas To Our Families and Friends. We Couldn't Have Made it Through 2009 Without YOU!

2009-12-27T21:32:00.000-08:00

I made it! I somehow managed to do the shopping, the trimming, the concerts, the recitals, the wrestling meets, AND the radiation. I am now through with 19 of 30 treatments, all my physical therapy appointments, and all but a few final doctors appointments. It's almost time to face life after cancer without all the extra help and support and without the excuses. I'm not sure what that life's going to be like yet, but I won't worry about that now. January is for looking ahead--December is for reflection upon the year past.
In our family, 2009 will forever be remembered as the year Margi was diagnosed with breast cancer, or more officially, moderately differentiated ductal carcinoma, grade 2-3, estrogen positive, her 2 negative. The diagnosis came on March 3, just days after Hunter celebrated his 15th birthday with friends at Chuck E. Cheese's (Yup, that's right, 15th, Chuck E. Cheese's). The very next day I met with a surgeon and an oncologist, and on March 13 prepared for a long and grueling cancer treatment regimen by having my gall bladder removed and a port placed (the port makes chemotherapy more convenient because it can be accessed easily without having to access a vein for injections and blood draws). Surgery was followed by six months of chemotherapy, a mastectomy of the left breast, and radiation. So except for January and February, my family and I have been doing this all year. Amazingly enough, with the exception of a few awful weeks in early summer when I suffered through pneumonia, life for the Nettles has been pretty much business as usual.
Greg somehow managed to hang on to The Stereo Shoppe in spite of the horrible economic conditions, but he had to do it with fewer employees and six day work weeks. Early in the year he was balancing family, work, my doctor's appointments, and coaching Hunter's AAU basketball team. Looking back on it I'm not sure how he did it, but it was worth it, because he really enjoys coaching. Like lots of other men in their mid 40's, Greg was hoping to be working less at this point in his life, but I know he's very grateful he's still able to support the family, and of course, the medical insurance was invaluable this year!
Perhaps the only family member busier than Greg is Rachel. She added a boyfriend, speech and debate, and jazz band to an already very full plate. Perhaps my diagnosis has been more of a burden to her than to the other kids. She's done more worrying and more babysitting this year than last. She's still playing cello, still an excellent student, and she's in the process of choosing a college for next year. She's been accepted to Willamette and College of Idaho, waiting to hear from University of Puget Sound and Whitworth, and still planning on applying to University of Utah.
Hunter's year started with basketball, moved to spring football, then on to summer football, followed by the actual football season (he played for both JV and varsity teams), and now he's moved on to WRESTLING! We're all getting used to a culture we've never been exposed to before--the world of sweaty singlets, ringworm infested mats, and stat girls. Oh how I miss basketball! But Hunter is learning quickly, getting super fit, and has already won a tournament, so I guess it's worth it. He's a half a merit badge and an Eagle project away from being an Eagle Scout, and when he gets that taken care of he's looking forward to taking driver's training. He remains a delightful kid to spend time with.
As Rachel and Hunter pursue music and athletics, Parker draws, and makes movies, and listens to music and reworks his wardrobe. He's an incredibly creative kid. This year he's attending an alternative middle school, Pathways. It emphasises smaller class sizes and a no failure policy. There are no zeros given, and the teachers expect the students to finish all work, no matter how long it takes. He loved it at first, and is not quite so sure now, but he's plugging away and trying hard to be a good student. He's also taking care of several family pets, including our bunny, Oreo, and our cat, Lucky. We're all mourning the passing of our beloved gecko, a pet Parker'd taken care of for several years.
Like a lot of younger kids in a family, Kate seems to want to try everything. She's taking piano lessons, dancing, and going to achievement days for church every other week. During the past year she's done cheerleading, gymnastics, basketball, and soccer as well. She loves going to Rachel's concerts, Hunter's games, and Parker's doctor's appointments. She's a great big sister to Tadman and plays with him delightfully. She loves friends, school, church, and pretty much everything. My favorite thing about Kate is her enthusiastic anticipation of upcoming events. I get excited right along with her. She's really looking forward to starting violin lessons next year, and playing in the Joplin orchestra.
And we all adore Tadman, who will be turning three January 26th. Tadman loves trucks, cars, diggers, trailers, RVs, ATVs, and everything with wheels. He can be sweet and cuddly (most of the time) or occasionally loud and bossy. We're not sure which of us he is emulating. He brings happiness and joy to everyone in the family. We all delight in the cute things he says, the way he looks, and everything he does. It's been a trying year for little Taddy. He's gone from nursing and being tended by his mom all the time, to being unexpectedly and abruptly weened and spending lots of time with aunts, grandmas, and friends. It's been hard on him, and harder on me! The best thing about being done with treatment will be reestablishing a routine for Tadman.
2009 will not easily be forgotten. We've learned to accept our limitations and with those limitations, lots of help from others. I've learned that much of my life was extracurricular, and I've been able to eliminate a few things. When you're forced to examine your life and what's of the greatest importance, very few things make the cut. Faith, family, love, service are about it.
We couldn't have made it through the year without the prayers and support of our family and friends. Hot meals came for months. My sisters and sisters-in-law, nieces, mom, and mother-in-law did so much to help, including laundry, cleaning, mending, babysitting, shopping, decorating, listening, visiting, checking on kids, and many other acts of service. Cards and notes and phone calls helped. Talking to friends who'd recently undergone cancer treatment was invaluable. And somehow by going through this experience I feel more blessed and fortunate than ever before. How happy I am to be alive, to feel good, to snuggle with my Taddy, or go to dinner and a movie with Rachel, to dance with Kate, watch Hunter make a monster block, or see one of Parker's amazing drawings.
How we appreciate having you as friends and family! If we haven't kept in touch, know it's not because we don't care. We think of you often and send best wishes to you all. Thank you for being a part of our lives and enriching our experience.

There's Much to Be Thankful For!

2009-12-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been since November 17 since I've blogged! I've been busy celebrating Thanksgiving and counting my blessings--and eating, of course.
I'm not sure if I can even remember all that's happened since the 17th, but I'll try to hit the biggies.
I guess my biggest new thing is radiation. I started on Monday, and so far have lived through 3 treatments. Talking with my doctor and taking the preparatory education class didn't prepare me for the harsh realities of radiation treatments. I guess I must be different from a lot of people, because I've been told over and over that radiation is no big deal, lots better than chemo, etc., but I hate it. Nothing is more isolating and dehumanizing than being laid on a slab of metal, told to lay there like a dead person while two technicians pull you with a sheet until your body is perfectly aligned under a lazer beam, and then left by yourself while the technicians retreat behind a 24-inch-thick door that protects them from the treatment they're giving you. That and the big warning sign in caps that reads, "Danger! High radiation area" have me not loving my new cancer erradicating phase. The good news--I get Christmas and New Year's Days off! Greg says I'm crazy, but give me 6 weeks more chemo any day!
While I'm fighting cancer, family life inevitably goes on. All of us spent a quick but lovely couple of days up in Donnelly with Greg's mom and her husband, Ron, for Thanksgiving. We had great food, a comfortable warm cabin to sleep in, ATV riding, satellite TV for football games, and even a little snow, but not so much that we couldn't drive home. Thanksgiving evening we had a chance to say what we were thankful for, and I mentioned the good health of my kids and husband. What a great blessing that is! Our home teacher, Jesse McOmber, challenged us to write down 100 things we were thankful for, and also pray for ten minutes straight just about our blessings. Cute little Kate came up with 50 things she was grateful for before the rest of us even got a chance. Rachel wrote that she was thankful for the abacus, and other such witticisms, and it ended up that we needed more room. The praying thing wasn't hard for me either. It's easy to fill up 10 minutes with thankyous to Heavenly Father. I appreciate Jesse for giving us the opportunity to recognize all we have!
Our Thanksgiving dinner was flanked by two spaghetti dinners at Centennial. Right before the holiday Rachel's orchestra had a fundraising dinner, and this week Hunter's wrestling team did the same. Greg has had his fill of fundraising opportunities at Centennial. With football, orchestra, and wrestling all raising funds, we'd be money ahead if we just paid outright for the trips and camps we're helping our kids raise money for. Funny how that works, isn't it. The people with the kids in the activities who are already shelling out the cash are also the fundraising pool. Here's another great opportunity to be thankful. Greg still has a job so our kids are still able to hit us up for fundraisers!
Can I just say that even with all my blessings acknowledged and appreciated, life is proving to be a little stressful for me. Christmas season, which I somehow manage to love in spite of rampant commercialism, is a very busy time for me under the best of circumstances. This year I have 27 more radiation treatments thrown into the mix. I hope I can provide a meaningful and happy season for my kids in the midst of it all. My friends are trying to help by coming to decorate my house with me this Friday. I am VERY thankful for friends!
I'm lovin' water aerobics, books, college football, the new basketball season, sweet and fleeting moments with Tadman as I hand him off to grandmas, and prayer right now. Those warm things keep me going back to that cold metal slab. Thanks to my mom for helping get Taddy ready for the YMCA in the mornings and helping me make beds and fold clothes. I'm incredibly far behind. Congratulations to my sister Heather and her daughter Brennan. My sister just became a grandmother for the first time!
Continue to pray for me. Pray that this scary radiation won't fry areas of my body that I'm going to need later. Pray that I'll somehow be able to be the mom my kids need through it all. Pray that my husband won't give up before this trial is over, and pray that after my last treatment is over,my family will get a little reprieve from the growth opportunities available only through trials. Thanks for reading, and enjoy this all too brief Christmas season!

Some Days Hope Is A Pumpkin Waffle

2009-11-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm comfortable with the writing part of blogging, but I am most uncomfortable with the technical part, so I'd like to have these pictures with each of my kids (courtesy of Becky Phillips) scattered throughout my update, but since I can't figure out how to do that, you'll just have to see them all together in this business-like and non-artistic fashion. I put them in today because I am so happy to still be doing my life's work--raising my kids, and every day I'm a little closer to being back to full strength and back to being as involved in their day-to-day lives as I'd like to be, but I still have a little way to go.
Last Friday while most of them were at school, I went to my first appointment with Dr. Tonya Kuhn, my newest addition to my stable of physicians. She's adorable, petite, personable, and professional. She started out by letting me know about all the long and short term possible side effects of radiation--the short term being fatigue, surface burns, and scarring, and the long term being possible lung problems or contracting another, less treatable kind of cancer. But according to the research that's been conducted on the matter, the insurance against the spread of this cancer outweighs the possibility of these bad side effects, so I signed up for my next round of torture, this time 30 sessions (5 weekly for 6 weeks) of radiation treatments. I have an appointment this Friday to be scanned and marked so the radiation will be in just the right spot, and then if everything goes as planned I will start the radiation the Monday after Thanksgiving and finish up the week after the BCS National Champion has been crowned. I'll have a lot of good football games in the meantime to distract me from the pain and fatigue.
Speaking of football, Hunter's season is now officially, officially over. We've been to the JV banquet, and last night the varsity banquet. He's received praise from his coaches and his varsity letter for football, and has now turned his attention to basketball. He tried out last Friday and has made the Sophomore team, which we're happy about because he'll get more playing time than he would on JV. Now he has to put in a few weeks of practice before we get to enjoy basketball season, which very few people realize is actually my favorite game to watch on the high school level, so that's something else for me to look forward to while I'm being radiated!
While Hunter's been finishing up football, Rachel has been busy applying to colleges and working on all kinds of music. She's been officially accepted and offered money to attend Willamette University in Salem, Oregon. She's currently working on applications to University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, University of Utah, College of Idaho, and a few more to be determined. It's challenging to find the time to get the necessary paperwork done when she has several AP classes and orchestras and quartets to rehearse with. The Boise Philharmonic Youth Orchestra, in which she plays, will have it's first concert of the season this Sunday.
The younger kids get to tag along to the football banquets and concerts. Parker just got a perfect attendance award for the first quarter at Pathways Middle School, Kate is working hard on homework and piano practicing in the evenings, and her hard work is paying off, and Taddy is watching "Cars" 3 or 4 times a day, playing with his truck and trailer and Lightnin' McQueen car, and taking cool side trips with his Grandma Dee and Ron. Just last week they took him up to Donnelly to stay at the cabin a few days and winterize the ATVs. Tadman was delighted with the trip, and it was nice to have a little free time without him, but I cried when he left. Having him to take care of really keeps me going.
Speaking of keeping going, I am pretty pleased to say I made it back to water aerobics yesterday. I am hoping, and needing, to get more mobility back in my left arm before radiation starts and I think water aerobics should help. It was great to be back basking in the healthy glow of my instructor, Tammi, and all the kind people in the class who have sent me cards, flowers, and messages of encouragement since we first met. The hardest part was the stretching at the end, but that was probably of the most value to my old, stiff body. For some reason as I type that kooky song "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor keeps coming to mind, my own personal little cancer anthem.
So as I raise my kids and face impending radiation treatments, here's what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for personal prayer, because when I'm up late nights, contemplating more treatment, feeling weak and small, thinking I can't do this one more day, I pray, and then I seem to be able to drift off, and when I wake up in the morning things seem much better. I'm thankful for extra blankets, because it's COLD outside. Obviously I'm thankful to be undergoing treatment in the best sports season of the year, when you can watch a good basketball game and a great football game in the same week, and sometimes even on the same day! I'm thankful my husband's somehow making a living with a retail store, and that I have interesting, creative, challenging children to raise. I'm thankful for all the help my mom and sister have given me in the laundry and bed making department. I admit that when they don't come to help many times nothing gets done. And although I've already mentioned him, I'm thankful to have Tadman with me each day, because in his eyes I haven't changed at all. I'm just Mommy.
And thanks to Becky for arranging and cooking a SWEET little visiting teaching brunch this morning. What a nice breakfast with friends! When life is hard, pumpkin waffles somehow make everything a little bit better.

Yankin' Drains, Parent Teacher Conferences, Eighteenth Birthdays, and Other Pains

2009-11-09T08:42:00.000-08:00

I've taken one step closer to independence this morning. My sister, Heather, who has been coming to my house every school morning for the last few weeks to get Kate off to school, lift and dress Tadman, make beds, and do laundry, is coming no more. We're seeing if I can do this thing on my own again. It will be significantly easier now that both of my JP drains have been removed (or should I say YANKED OUT!) and now I just have little festering wounds on my side, and even those will soon be gone. The only remaining physical ailment caused by the mastectomy is the numb, dead feeling on my left side, and that will be with me for a long time, if not forever.
On a lighter note, please take a moment to look at my little running back son, Hunter, at his last JV game. I wrote all about it in my last blog, but now you have the visual to go along with the description of the wondrous event. Even through chemo treatments and surgeries, going to Hunter's football games this season was a highlight of my life. It's hard to feel old and sick when you're around all that youthful enthusiasm. I very much look forward to next season when I anticipate him being a full time varsity player--and a dominant force on the offensive line!
As Hunter anticipates moving on to basketball season, I am anticipatin radiation treatments. I have my first appointment with the radiologist this Friday, and she will get me marked up and scheduled and ready to roll on radiation. Cancer treatment is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Actually it's like a marathon over hilly terrain. Some parts have felt like going straight up mountains, and other parts like the downhill side. I am still missing my time in the chemo suite and feel a pang of lonliness when I drive past MSTI to see Dr. Livingston, but maybe eventually that feeling will fade. I've never been a cancer patient before, so I don't know if you ever stop feeling like a patient and start feeling like just a regular person again.
In the midst of having drains pulled I was attending parent/teacher conferences and celebrating Rachel's 18th birthday this week. Although the kids are doing very well in school for the most part (and Parker MUCH better than last year!) it was hard to hear from Kate's teacher that she sees sadness in Kate sometimes, and especially in the weeks leading up to my surgery. It's hard to see my family suffer because of me, or what I'm going through. The girls and Greg feel it the most, and are struggling in their lives as a result. That part is much worse than any physical pain or exhaustion I might feel.
Rachel celebrated turning 18 with a family game night and Thai food, and with a separate party at The Stereo Shoppe with friends. I stressed a lot about the friend party, because with Rachel's busy schedule she wasn't able to fill me in on many details until the last minute, but we bought some great desserts, some white roses, a few cute plates and napkins, and rented a couple of movies, and I'm not sure if she loved her party, but at least the food display looked great! Rachel's been a pure joy to me for the last eighteen plus years. If she ever gets to the point where she sees herself the way I see her, as a kind, clever, intelligent, talented, stunning, near perfect young woman, she will make a great impact on the world when she leaves our home late next summer. I only hope she never forgets how much she has to offer.
Well, I will go now so I can attempt some laundry and bed making. I know I will not be able to do it as well as Heather has done these past few weeks, but maybe the attempt will help me begin to feel I have something to contribute again.

My Prescription? Football, Cute Costumed Kids, and Sisters!

2009-11-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the week and few days since the big surgery. It's hard to believe one can have a mastectomy and still have so much life to live while the healing process is underway, but when you're a mom, that's just the way you roll.
Since surgery Hunter's football season has come to a close in a most dramatic fashion. His JV team won what was essentially the district championship by beating Borah in the snow BEFORE HALLOWEEN EVEN on Thursday night. Hunter bugged his coach enough that on the final drive of the game Hunter was allowed to line up as running back after borrowing a jersey so he'd have a legal number to play running back. He ended up gaining 6 yards, and then Centennial's quarterback took a knee just feet away from the end zone to run out the clock. Hey, it would have been great if he'd scored a touchdown, but I'm sure he's happy with a season in which he and his team won 9 games, he recorded his first official tackle while playing defensive line, and gained 6 yards rushing as running back. What a great season!
The very next night he got a chance to be with the Varsity team as they faced Eagle in the district playoffs for their chance to advance to the state tournament. I must admit I didn't give Centennial much of a chance after the way they played the week before at Meridian, but they really played well, and ALMOST won. Unfortunately, Eagle scored late and Centennial was unable to answer, although they came close. The kids on the team, especially the seniors, seemed very sad to be eliminated, but for Hunter, I think he was a little bit happy to have the season over. He is excited, however, for a chance to be a real contributor on next year's varsity team. He got a little taste this year, but next year, it's on! Centennial's definitely due for a state championship.
Right before Hunter's JV game on Thursday, my sister-in-law, Val, picked me up to take Taddy and I to the Joplin Elementary Halloween parade and party. That's was a great place for healing to take place, watching hundreds of adorable fresh-faced kids excitedly don costumes for their chance to show their stuff. I love the kids who really get into character and make those costumes come alive. Unfortunately Tadman refused to put his bat costume on, so Kate had to roam the halls without him. We never did get that costume on Tadman, but he was pretty cute as himself!
Halloween day was a great occassion for rebuilding strength and stamina. I woke up to a little College Game Day, as is my usual practice on Saturday mornings, and then spent a little extra time getting ready for the BSU/San Jose State game. It's not that I was putting on a special costume or anything--I just need a little extra time to empty my drains and put my clothes on. I'm still a little tender on that left side, and it's still hard to get shirts on and off, and I need extras when I'm going to be out in the cold for 3 and a half hours. As always, I really enjoyed the game. I was, however, as shadow of my regular self in the cheering department. No vigorous clapping and screaming at this game. How lucky are we to get to watch the seventh ranked team in all of college football? I feel lucky!
After the game it was time to focus on the kids and their enjoyment of Halloween (and of course watch Oregon and USC play on TV!). When we got home Parker and Kate were already out trick-or-treating with friends. We got to watch Rachel and her friend, John, become Sweeny Todd and the meat pie lady. It took them several hours to get the finishing touches just right!
With Halloween in the rear view mirror, I spent the day yesterday at doctor's appointments. Dr. Montgomery seemed very pleased with the findings of the pathology report from my surgery. He liked my "margins" so much, and the only one node showing any sign of cancer, that he actually applauded. I think that's good. While at MSTI I got to see my old friends in the chemo suite as I had a blood test and had my port flushed (every month or 2,000 miles, whichever comes first).
At Dr. Livingston's my incision was examined and admired and it was determined that 1of the 2 drains could be removed. I was promised a pain-free experience by Dr. Livingston, and although it was PAINFUL, it is a thrill to get a drain out. Oh, happy day when drain number 2 comes out too, hopefully at the end of the week.
As I was at the doctor (my indispensible sister, Heather, drove me to these appointments and entertained Tadman for hours while I talked to doctors) angels from church were at my house scrubbing toilets and mopping floors. Julia Hansen even hung pictures! All these kindnesses most certainly contributed to healing!
The prognosis seems very positive at this point. Next week I meet my new Radiologist to set up the schedule for those treatments, and the blood test I had yesterday will help Dr. Montgomery decide which medicine he wants to give me for the next five years to further ensure there will be no recurrence of cancer. In the not too distant future I will be able to have my body rebuilt to match the youthfulness I feel inside if I so choose, and then all this will be in the rear view mirror for me. I can do this, I think.
I don't think I'd be saying that as enthusiastically without the unfailing support of sisters--my sisters and sisters-in-law, my daughters, and the sisters of my church and neighborhood. Especially since the mastectomy, I have had so much help with meals and household work and changing diapers that I have been able to focus all my energy on getting better, and as I result, I am getting better, and quickly at that! Oh how sincerely I say THANK YOU to all my sisters. With you by my side, and the continued blessings of my Father in Heaven, I can do this. I know I can.

"Radical" is Right!

2009-10-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

Hello to all my blog following friends. I am still alive, but at this point, just barely. I had a radical mastectomy at St. Luke's Hospital last Thursday, and now that I've had it, I understand why they call it "radical". They certainly take a lot of tissue that has always been part of your body, and it's a little hard to get used to the new view in the mirror. That, and the fact that the radical mastectomy is not the end of cancer treatment, is more than a little discouraging, but as has been the case throughout this life experience, this strange journey, there is always a lot to be grateful for.
Greg and I had to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for the prep for this procedure. My sister-in-law, Val, was patiently waiting when we arrived 10 minutes late, and she was a great support and good resource of information throughout the day. After a little paperwork Greg, Val, and I were taken to the surgery waiting room. They got to stay, but I had to be prepped for surgery. I tried to convince them that Val was Margi Nettles, but it didn't work. So I got weighed, undressed, gowned, fitted in the tight stockings that prevent blood clots, had my blood drawn, had a IV started, talked with the anesthesiologist, and then lost all consciousness or recall for several hours, until a man with crazy, curly red hair was trying to rouse me from my deep sleep. According to Greg it took him an hour and a half before I was roused enough to be transferred to my hospital room. Greg and Val were still there, and then when Greg had to leave my brother Jared came and I had a very pleasant afternoon talking with Jared and Val about all kinds of subjects, mainly my kids and their kids, whom we seem to talk about a lot. I felt pretty darn good right out of surgery. I had one dose of morphine, but from there I lasted the whole day and didn't take anything else for pain until I was going to sleep that night, at which time I took one Norco tablet. There isn't a lot of physical pain associated with a mastectomy, but there is a lot of numbness and nerve damage done, and of course it's quite hard to see yourself when those bandages are removed and you realize how much of your body is no longer there. But I was able to recover from the surgery quickly. I had a clear head right away, and that whole day spent with Jared and Val, my mom and sister, Heather, and Greg and Rachel was a very pleasant day.
It's hard to get a good night's sleep at the hospital, of course, because the nurses are wide awake when they come to check your vitals, and they think you ought to be wide awake too, so at about 12:30 I was roused out of a sound sleep to find out my temperature, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation was normal, and then I was allowed to sleep again until about 5 a.m. when I had to get help unhooking from all the machines so I could go to the bathroom. That whole first day and into the morning of the next I had cuffs on my legs that would periodically tighten to keep the blood flow going in my legs. I was also on oxygen and my IV was still in place, so all that stuff had to be detached or be wheeled to the bathroom with me every time I had to go. That was probably the most unpleasant part of my hospital stay.
Early Friday morning my surgeon, Dr. Livingston, came and checked on me and took the ace bandages that were wrapped around my chest off. Surprisingly she said I could take a shower whenever I wanted and go home whenever I was ready. The surgery went well, or how she had anticipated it would go, and she just reminded me to make little use of my left arm until after I had seen her in two weeks. The final report on the tissue she removed won't be available for about a week. Of course the best would be if that tissue was completely cancer free, but Greg says it will also be good news if there is no new cancer growth since the original diagnosis. We're all hoping the pathology report brings the best possible news.
My sister Heather did me the favor of driving me home on Friday, and of taking me to get a mastectomy camisole that has little pockets in place for the 2 bags I came home with that catch the fluid that drains from the wounds in my chest and under my arm where the lymph nodes were removed. The drains stay in until the fluid slows down, so a couple of weeks at least. The mastectomy vest also comes with a breast form, but I need a little help making it match my remaining breast. Right now it's considerably larger. I'm sure with a little tweaking it will do its job.
I was lucky enough to make it home in time to see Hunter leaving the house for his game that night, and also fortunate enough to be at his game. Even though he ended up not playing much and his team lost in overtime, it felt great to have some normalcy restored right away, and the cool air felt refreshing after spending a day and a half in a hospital room.
Since then I've been able to get out and do a few things. I was able to attend Kate's piano recital on Saturday and go out to dinner with my sister Heidi and her daughter, Leah, and my two girls afterward. On Sunday night I was well enough to come downstairs to eat dinner with my family, and because I was already up I was able to greet some visitors who came by to check on me. Thank you to my visitors and to people bringing flowers and goodies. Thank you to my friend Sarah for the beautiful scarf that's just perfect for fall weather. Thank you to my water aerobics instructor, Tami, and to my whole water aerobics sisterhood for the huge bouquet and the cards of support. I love visitors!
Okay, now to list some of the things I have to be grateful for. I am grateful my sister Heidi spent the money and took the time to spend a week taking care of my family. The kids have made all their appointments, they've been well fed, Tadman's been cuddled and read to, and Kate's had the right things signed and returned to school. I'm grateful for Dee and Ron who made sure Tadman was cared for and entertained the entire time I was at the hospital, and then picked him up on Saturday to take him apple picking. He's been very happy, content, and well taken care of between the three of them. I am grateful that the view out my window was so spectacular and beautiful while I was in the hospital, and I could see the part of Boise where I grew up while I was there. I am thankful for the fall and for the beautiful scenery it provides and for football season that comes with it, because football just makes me happy. I am thankful that I had a skilled doctor to do my surgery, a clean, comfortable place to recuperate, and especially for medical insurance so my family isn't paying for this for the rest of our lives. I am thankful for my brothers and sisters who have really been here for me, come to see me, and called me, and for my mom who has suffered this surgery before me and moved on so well and bravely. What a great example she is! I'm especially grateful to have a husband and children to come home to, and to motivate me to make a speedy recovery so I can start being the caregiver instead of the care receiver again. This victim, sick person thing does not come naturally to me and it sure doesn't feel good. I like being strong, independent, and productive. Will I ever be that way again?
There's the update! Next up are check-ups with Drs. Livingston and Montgomery, then next will be radiation treatments for 6 weeks. I am a little shocked that there's more cancer treatment ahead. Certainly chemo and mastectomy seem like they ought to do the trick! I look forward to seeing Dr. Montgomery again so I can playfully banter with him about the "treatment" I've received. So onward and upward I suppose...

Living Life, Cooking and Cleaning, Timebomb Ticking

2009-10-12T00:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing new to report on my health this week. I know that will be disappointing to those of you who read this blog just to hear about what horrible things are happening to my body as I go through treatment. I have tried to call MSTI a couple of times to figure out when I'm next supposed to see Dr. Montgomery, but they don't call me back, so I guess now that he's done torturing me with his crazy chemicals he's done with me. That's a little disappointing since I look so forward to doing those puzzles as I wait.
It's a funny thing, but I actually have felt worse the past 10 days since quitting treatments than I have for weeks. My fingernails have little bubbles of puss underneath them and it hurts them when I scratch an itch, tie or untie shoelaces, try to open packages, or anything else that I do with them. There's a noticeable line on each one where the damaged part is and where the new, undamaged part has grown in. Also, my bottom is much more sore now than it was, but has started to improve in the past few days, and my feet and hands are still numb from neuropathy, but I'm hoping that they will soon recover. I've had a lot of headaches the past week, but I think they are a result of withdrawal from all the medications they've given me to ease the symptoms caused by the treatments, and I think the headaches will stop as soon as my body is able to get rid of all that's left behind. I'm not sure about the high glucose levels, if they've returned to normal, but I'm continuing to eat like they are high until I find out.
I was expecting to have a very gloomy day last Thursday as a result of missing the treatment day experience, but I did better than I thought I would. I took Tadman to the YMCA nursery and did a water aerobics class and was able to get energy and camaraderie there like I would have down at MSTI, and thus avoided that loneliness and sadness I was expecting to feel. The Y is such a great place for me to be, especially the pool area, because that's where all the people come who really have health challenges. Grandmas and grandpas come in their wheelchairs and get lowered into the water with this cool little machine so they can move their bodies in that warm water and not feel all the effects of gravity on those parts that are sore and weak. Extremely overweight people come to walk in the water for the same benefits. Handicapped people of all sorts make their way to that pool each day to get their exercise in, so how can I feel sorry for myself and my small afflictions and limitations when those courageous people make what must be a long and arduous journey getting there each day? I can't. What's losing a breast compared with that?
Another bright spot on Thursday was watching Hunter play football in the evening. He did such a great job of opening huge holes on that line during the JV game that his team scored 42 points before Capital had scored once. In the third quarter Capital finally did score, but then Centennial immediately answered that score with another of their own. I believe the final score was 55-21, but that makes it sound closer that it was. Unfortunately Hunter played all 4 quarters of the JV game even though it was lopsided, so when there was an injury to a lineman on the Varsity team during their game on Friday night, he was only able to play one quarter in relief of the injured player. And that injury wasn't the only regrettable thing that happened during Friday night's game. Centennial was hammered by Capital at Bronco Stadium 40-7. I know Hunter probably wouldn't have made enough of a difference to change the outcome of the game, but I think he could have helped make it respectable. It may be a coincidence, but the Statesman reporter who covered the game said Centennial wasn't able to get anything going until their third drive of the night, and that just happened to be when Hunter went in--I'm just saying. I know, I know, Greg always reminds me I am watching him through a mother's eyes, but Coach Pete was hanging out on the sidelines at the beginning of the game and stayed and watched just until Hunter was taken out. Coincidence? I think not. I hope you all know I'm joking, but in that way that you're joking, but you really are convinced what you're joking about is true. Anyway, it was a miserable game for Centennial, but nice for a mother who got to see her son finally play in a varsity game when it still mattered, and not just when his team was already ahead by 30 or more.
No Boise State game this week, as those who follow will already know, so Saturday was open to other pursuits. I got lots of cleaning and laundry done, Kate and Rachel found Halloween costumes, and I got to go to Mary Dahl's fortieth birthday party downtown on Saturday night. That was a pretty cool event. Her friends had arranged for it to be in the basement of this swanky little place called the Red Feather Lounge. We had a couple of private tables in the wine cellar so it was just us and we were able to converse and play games and eat with our intimate little group. Mary deserves a cool party!
Thank goodness I have all these activities to keep me busy so I'm not just thinking of the time ticking ever closer to surgery. Now that I've told Kate that Aunt Heidi is coming to stay for a week during my recovery time, Kate is constantly telling me "only such and such more days 'till Aunt Heidi comes," which in my mind immediately translates to "only such and such more days until I have to wake up at 5 a.m. to be down at the hospital to be prepped for surgery, be put under scary general anesthetic, have body parts I've grown quite attached to removed, wake up and not know where I am, and then have it all come back to me when I start feeling the pain," yes, thanks for reminding me, Kate! But I'm excited about having Heidi come too.
You'll all be happy to know I made it through the entire week without any help with laundry or meals for the first time since the end of February. I didn't think it possible, but I can still plan meals, cook them, and feed them to my family, and I still remember where the detergent goes in the washing machine. Amazing! We're actually able to hold this place together on our own! Believe me when I say doing it myself again this week has made me appreciate all the help I have received even more. It's a lot of work! That's pretty much all I had time to do other than water aerobics and running stuff to my kids at school and taking them to appointments. I forgot how much I used to do.
This week I'd like to thank my mom for assisting me with costumes for Kate and Tadman. Costuming for Halloween is always stressful to me, and doubly so this year, but grandma is making sure everyone ends up just as adorable as always. I'd also like to thank Kathy Palfryman and Sue Iverson for visiting me to assess my needs as I approach surgery, to offer friendship and support, and to Sue for lending me the book club book. Thanks to my sister-in-law, Val, for calling me to see how I am doing. I hope I can actually talk to her soon face-to-face. Thanks to Ron and Grandma Dee for being willing to take Tadman any time, and for offering to take him during my MRI this week and my surgery next week, and since he loves being with them so much, like Kate he can't wait for that surgery day to get here! Thanks to everyone who left comments on my blog since my last post. I am buoyed by your support, your prayers, and all the kind words you leave. Getting a comment on my blog, to me, is just like eating a great piece of chocolate, and since I can't have chocolate right now, I savor those comments! Last but certainly far from least, thanks to my sister Heidi for giving Kate something to look forward to, and for giving me peace of mind about my family and home so I can focus all my attention on dreading surgery. You know I'm kidding, Heidi. I am so glad you are coming and so appreciative you would suggest it.
I have so much to be grateful for, family and friends being at the very top of the list!

Sometimes You Want to Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

2009-10-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'm freezing all the time now. I can't believe how quickly and completely the weather has turned and I'm hoping it will turn back for a few weeks before it's cold for good. I will try to give you a quick update on my final treatment as I shiver at my computer terminal. Brrrr!
After 27 weeks of treatment, a few off weeks because of illness--spanning spring, summer, and into fall--treatments are finally done. For my last treatment day, the first day of this super cool weather, Justine Powell made the sacrifice of getting a substitute for her swimming classes so she could accompany me. My mother-in-law and Ron watched Tadman, and entertained my younger kids who were out of school for state teacher inservice days. Justine has been the best of friends to me from the beginning of diagnosis. She has been the organizer of meals and cleaning, Tadman's swimming teacher, a nutrition consultant, and a shoulder to cry on when I was at my low point after the Adria treatments, so it was fitting that she'd be with me at the conclusion of phase one.
Thursday morning started off like most treatment days. I showered and was out of the house before anyone but Greg and Tadman were up. Justine picked me up and had me there by 8:30, and after checking in we worked on the puzzle as usual while waiting to be called. The kind nurse from last blog, Hope, accessed my port and drew my blood, then Justine and I were almost immediately called back to see Dr. Montgomery. After weight, blood pressure, pulse, and oxygen saturation were recorded, Dr. Montgomery came in the room and dropped a gown on my lap and told me to put it on because he'd be examining me today. When I asked him how the gown worked he said, "I don't know but you better figure it out because you're going to be wearing those all the time for radiation." Then he left and I figured it out by myself. When he came back in and examined me he wasn't satisfied with the exam as a good source of information, so he concluded I should go to the hospital and have a CT scan so we could see the results of the chemo. So quickly arrangements were made for the test at Saint Luke's and I went to the chemo suite to have my port reaccessed with a different kind of needle that could be injected with an iodine contrast solution for the CT scan.
I must express that my absolute least favorite part of cancer treatment has been the diagnostic testing. Never have I felt more alone, more uncertain, and more nervous than I have during these tests. Most of the time it's just me and the technician who's performing the test. Usually the technician is young, healthy, and has never gone through the tests he's putting me through, so it's a very business-like and efficient transaction. The technician has to tell you the side effects of these tests, and the things that could go wrong, but when you ask questions he seems surprised that the fact that people have been known to go into shock because of an allergic reaction to the iodine solution has you a little nervous. Luckily I wasn't allergic to the solution, so other than a weird, warm sensation trickling through my innards, everything went as expected and I was back at Dr. Montgomery's office waiting for results.
Then Dr. Montgomery was back, the results of the day's scan were back, and the original Pet Scan results were pulled up. Dr. Montgomery was able to do "show and tell" which he was excited about--it's so much better than just tell, he said--and I was able to see that through the modern miracle of chemotherapy (YUCK!) the big tumor appeared to be completely gone, and a smaller tumor was reduced in size and much less sharp around the edges. The doctor seemed very pleased with these results, and in celebration forgot to place my chemo orders for my final treatment!
When I finally made it to the chemo suite, I chose one of the cool new beds that sits up like a chair, splurged with mashed potatoes at lunch in spite of the carbohydrates, and waited for treatment while my nurse, Allison tried to get the doctor's orders for chemo. When the orders finally came, I had only a baby sized bag of Taxol to injest, so Justine and I ended up getting out of treatment about the same time as usual even with the CT scan. The nurses and other staff had all signed a kind of graduation certificate for me, I got a few hugs and well wishes, and then Justine and I celebrated the right way with a Boston Shake from Fanci Freeze.
What I didn't expect was how hard this week was going to be for me. I am actually mourning the end of treatments! I have really enjoyed being down there all these weeks, having a friend spend the day with me, and being pampered and treated well by the best nurses anywhere. My mom and sister have been at my house 3 times a week, great meals have been provided, dozens of cards of support were sent by my water aerobics class, and now all of a sudden it's dark and freezing, I've told everyone laundry and meals aren't necessary, the cards have quit coming, and I'm feeling isolated and forlorn. Having Tadman to take care of is saving me from wallowing in self pity and loneliness. And it isn't helping to have surgery looming on the cold and bleak horizon. I know, it's a little crazy to be sad I am done with chemo, but kind of like Norm in the old series "Cheers", sometimes I want to go where everybody knows my name, and they're always glad I came, and there are people there who's troubles are all the same. There's a camraderie in being with other people who have cancer even if they aren't really even friends of mine. Understand?
Since treatment day I've sat through 3 freezing cold football games--all wins for my side, Centennial JV, Varsity, and BSU. I've eaten a few bowls of hot soup, watched 3of 4 sessions of General Conference, and spent extra time with my kids since they had time off of school.
I say thank you to all my friends every time I write in this blog, but I am more appreciative than ever this week. Now that my constant supply of support has been severed for a time, I recognize more than ever how much of a difference you've really made. I've figured out it's not the meals, it's not the laundry that makes so much of a difference. It's knowing that I'm loved, I'm thought of often, and that I matter to a lot of people. Thank you for showing me through your acts of service and kindness that I matter. And if any of you need help during this break between treatment and surgery, you'd be doing me a great favor to ask help of me. I need to get my mind off negative, sad thoughts and instead count all the blessings I have. I sincerely thank you all for countless acts of kindness and look forward to being healthy so I return them many times over to each of you.
From here I have one more test scheduled, an MRI, for a week from Wednesday, and then surgery on October 22 at 7:30. I can't say I'm excited, but with the support and prayers of family and friends it'll all be behind me soon. I'll write again when I get the results of the MRI. Another diagnostic test! Yes!

One More Treatment. Almost Time to Prune the Branches.

2009-09-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

I must apologize. My treatments are almost over and my thoughts are off of them and on to surgery, and somehow with the distraction of new thoughts, I forgot to write my blog. Pardon me if you're trying to keep up.
I went to my second to last treatment alone last week. I missed the chance to go with one of my favorite people, Jamie Boyce, because I didn't know she was coming with me and she had forgot that she had signed up to take me. Tadman spent the day in bliss with Grandma Dee and Ron and the RV. He was only disappointed he was just with them for the day and not going camping again!
When I arrived at treatment everyone was shocked that I was companionless. I have done 26 treatments to date, and only twice gone without a friend. Yes, that means I have great friends! Thank you to ALL who have come with me and spent the day at MSTI. When I was getting my port accessed and my blood drawn, I was near tears because of a phone conversation I had had with a local plastic surgeon's staff a few days earlier in the week. The nurse drawing the blood asked why I was upset, and when I told her the details--basically I'd been sent packing by this plastic surgeon's receptionist because I didn't have the right insurance--she told me she'd ask some questions and have more information about that particular doctor before I left at the end of the day. She was, like all the staff at MSTI, very attentive and compassionate and willing to go the extra mile to help.
My doctor's appointment was with Sheryl, one of the nurse practitioners, and she also took lots of time with me and answered a lot of the questions that had been on my mind since my thoughts had turned to surgery. She also looked at my fingernails, which are just now beginning to lift and feel sensitive, and she gave me the good news that my blood sugar was back down. This time it was down from 161 to 137! And I lost 3 more pounds to boot. With only one more treatment to go I think I'm holding up pretty well. I'm getting more aches and pains as the weeks on Taxol add up, but I think I'm going to make it through the last treatment without any further problems of any significance, and then if things go my way and my blood sugar and cholesterol levels go back to where they were before I started treatment, I may end up being healthier overall than I was before I started chemo. That's what I'm working for, anyway.
Now this may not seem very significant to you, but for actual treatment they put me in the new chemo suite. What's the big deal, you ask? Well, until this week they had considered me too "high risk" to be in there, but since I haven't reacted to the Taxol for several weeks, now I'm officially low risk again! And the new room was beautiful. Each chair and bed has a little TV screen attached to it that you can pull right up near you to change channels on or increase the volume. I got a chair (more highly in demand than the beds) that had a sunny window with a view of the street and a cool little TV. Lucky. I had some magazines and a good book as well since I knew I was going to be alone. I even splurged and ate a bagel as a celebration for the extra low blood sugar. It was quiet in the new chemo suite--only 2 nurses work in there--and I even fell asleep for the first time. Then, right as I was finishing up with treatment, here came my lovely little nurse who accessed my port, and as promised she had all kinds of information about plastic surgeons for me. I had to hug her! She had just gone so above and beyond what she had to do. I am already anicipating how much I will miss being with all those great people when treatment is over. They are just the cream of the crop! Just like all of you reading my blog!
Life outside of treatment continues to be busy, busy, busy. Greg and I checked out Centennial and Joplin's open houses this week, went to Hunter's 2 football games, (I worked in the concessions stand during the varsity game), took Kate to dance and piano lessons, and bought chips and condiments for the AAA Booster fundraiser. Kate and Parker and I also found the time to get our teeth cleaned. Rachel found out how hard Calculus is going to be this year by bombing her first test.
Then at the beginning of this week I started my Monday with a visit to my surgeon. She firmed up the plans for an MRI, which I will have three weeks from tomorrow, and surgery, which will be October 22 at 7:30 a.m. She isn't sure if she'll be doing a full mastectomy or a lumpectomy yet, but whatever she decides, or we decide together, the surgery will be that day at that time. After my talks with her and a plastic surgeon's office staff, I have also discovered that any reconstruction I elect to have will be awhile coming. I have to wait 6 to 9 months after concluding radiation treatments before starting reconstruction, so we still have a LONG way to go before news of my health is no longer a topic of conversation.
I've had a hard time sleeping the last few weeks, usually because I have to use the bathroom and then can't get my mind to stay asleep. I'm not sure if this is my mid-life crisis, but everything around me seems so symbolic of entering the fall of my life as I experience the beginning of fall in Boise. I am done having babies now. Tadman will be my last one. My first baby is getting old enough that she'll soon be dropping off the old tree and starting a new life of her own. The sap in me is slowing down a bit and there are a few diseased branches that need to be pruned before they contaminate the rest of the tree. I guess most people don't have such a huge life event to escort them from one phase of life to another, but for the first time in my life I realize I'm starting to get old! Of course it's not necessarily a bad thing, just a change I haven't recognized as significantly before. But fall is my favorite time of year, so there's no reason it can't be my favorite time of life as well!
Thank you for continuing to read my blog even though treatments have been a little redundant. Now there will be lots of new stuff to write, stepping into the unknown experience of mastectomy, radiation, and reconstruction options. I am so grateful for all the little things in my life that bring me happiness everyday--my family, my friends, my house, my bed, good books, exercise. It wouldn't be possible for me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life during cancer treatment without the help of my huge support system. I think about all of you often and keep a prayer of gratitude in my heart at all times. Just one more to go!

While Taddy's Away the Mommy Will Work and Play

2009-09-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Much more significant in my mind than treatment this week was having my little Tadman away from me. Grandma Dee and Ron picked him up last Tuesday morning and took him camping and fishing in Joseph, Oregon for 5 long days. It sure changed the mood and activity level of our house for the week. The good thing was getting more water aerobics in and being able to sit and watch Hunter's football game, but the sad was missing little hugs, kisses, snuggling, and funny little sayings and doings all week, plus the house was very quiet during the days without him. He had a great time, however, and spent all Sunday asking me to drive him over to grandma's house, which I didn't do as he was suffering from diareah. He's much better today, and even though I had to change all his bedding and all my bedding and do several loads of wash yesterday, it's good to have him back!
So on treatment day I went with my attentive neighbor, Laurie Gabrielsen, but didn't have any babysitters since Taddy was in the safe care of his grandma. It was a good week to have him away, because treatment was scheduled for 8 a.m. and it would have been hard to get him up and ready to go that early. It's hard enough when it's just me. Laurie was excited about doing a puzzle (yeah, Laurie!) and we got to start a new one since the last one was all complete. That's the first thing we did after checking in to tell them I was there for my appointment. I got to see Dr. Montgomery for the first time in three weeks, and he was his charming self. We're kind of winding down these treatments with only 2 remaining, so our focus has kind of moved toward surgery planning, reconstruction options, and whether or not we've defeated this cancer with all these treatments. I worry also about my long term health, and if my high glucose and cholesterol counts will recede when my cancer treatments conclude. In the meantime I'm trying to do all I can to eat fewer carbohydrates and get more exercise, but my system seems so messed up at this point that it may take awhile for my body to start reacting as it normally would. For instance this week my glucose was back up to 161 after recovering slightly to 147 last week. I teased Laurie that I ought to just eat chocolate donuts and sodas for the next two weeks and see if I can break 200 before I'm done!
Even though all my labs are crazy, the actual treatments are going much better. For the fourth week in a row I had no adverse reactions to the Taxol. Of course they are still really loading me up with Benadryl, Singulaire, and all kinds of other stuff, and two varieties of steroid (which causes the high blood sugar), and they still have the Taxol drip at a very slow rate, but with all that I was done at 1:30 and home well before my kids, plus, Laurie was nice enough to go to Chili's and get me some fajitas for lunch. Fabulous! We were the envy of everyone in the suite! As I've mentioned before, it's such a treat to spend the day with a friend that I really do look forward to Thursdays.
Other than Taddy's absence and treatment, the week was once again filled with football and new school year events. I had the chance to visit Parker's new school on Tuesday and was very impressed with the teachers and administration. The attitude is totally positive, believing in these students and their ability to succeed. They pretty much guarantee their students will be successful. Patience, kindness, enthusiasm, and small class sizes help them turn kids around. I am so happy Parker is there and think this will be a great opportunity for him to grow. He's already telling me he's a smart kid, and that didn't happen at all last year.
While I was at Parker's Open House, Greg had to be at Rachel's Speech and Debate team parents' meeting. I'm still not sure what he learned there, but hopefully it's stuff Rachel knows. When you have multiple kids in school, it's almost impossible to get to all those introductory meetings!
After early week meetings, football and football events dominated the later part of the week. Hunter played the whole JV game on Thursday, and did so in a dominating manner, I must say. The running backs ran through holes he opened several times, and his team ended up beating Rocky Mountain's 44-6. Our team looked much more impressive than the varsity team the following night. Even with Hunter's back slaps and encouragement for the starters we ended up losing big, and giving Rocky Mountain their first home win ever. The final score--35-17. At times it seemed like we'd make a game of it, and we pulled to within 4 points either late in the third or at the beginning of the fourth, but we fell apart at the end. Both their defensive and offensive lines dominated the line of scrimmage, and whenever that happens there's trouble.
So after the game there was all kinds of drama. Hunter went to a couple of player called meetings on Friday night, one of our offensive star players quit, then rejoined the team, then on Saturday evening it was rumored that he quit again, and then the team watched film and did some community service almost all day Saturday. It will be interesting to see how they respond in their homecoming game this Friday since they really played well in the first 2 games. They're still in good shape for the season if they can respond to this loss by getting better. Because of the Centennial varsity game I missed all but the last quarter of the Boise State game in Fresno. After watching quarter 4 on ESPN I couldn't believe the Bulldogs quarterback lived through the beating he took in the game. I still haven't had the time to watch the whole thing, but the part I did watch was pretty crazy and intense, and much more entertaining than blowing out Miami of Ohio. And looks like the Broncos still have plenty of misstakes happening to keep them humble and striving for improvement. It's just my opinion, but I think the Cougars problem is always thinking they're really good after just a couple of games early in the season. It's always a long season, and all teams usually get a test from someone they think will be a cakewalk, so you can't think you're great at the beginning of the season or you get complacent, and then you end up losing to some team you should have beat. Like Rocky Mountain, for instance!
Saturday was also devoted to the Centennial Patriots. I am serving as the treasurer of the Football Boosters at Centennial, and Saturday was our sixth annual dinner and auction to raise money for the football program. For weeks we've been having meetings, selling raffle tickets, advertising, and planning for this thing. Bart Hendricks, former BSU quarterback, mostly in the Big West days, was our speaker, and then we had both a silent and live auction of donated items the football players had been required to solicit. I am not sure how much money we made yet, but I am glad it's over. And the timing couldn't be better, because now most of the work is done until next season.
I have another busy week of Open Houses and football games coming up, just busy enough to keep me from pondering too much about being at the crossroads of this cancer experience. I will soon know if my cancer has been defeated, or if more treatments are necessary. I will soon have to make big decisions about mastectomy and reconstruction options. I'll have to weigh financial burdens and strain on my family as I decide what is the best course to pursue. I am just glad all of this is happening in the Fall, my favorite time of year for pondering, and enjoying the world around me, and for marking life's changes and if it's going in the direction I want it to. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have my family all still here this year so they can be with me as I make all these discoveries and decisions.
I always like to end by thanking all my friends and family for helping me out each day and each week. For the cleaning, the laundry, the food preparation, the cards, the kindness to my kids, the companionship and all the other things you do for me, thank you. I think the biggest change I have undergone since starting cancer treatment at the beginning of March is appreciating my circle of family and friends, accepting them the way they are, and loving them for their attempts to be the best they can be. Thanks for all you do!

Life Gets Busier, Treatment Seems Littler

2009-09-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

So it's been another crazy week since last treatment day. As I said before, all summer I just kind of measured time from one infusion to the next, and now that my kids are back in school there's so much to do and to think about that treatment day has just become the day I can't do a lot of extra stuff.
This week has been marred a little bit by illness. Hunter has suffered the most. He ended up missing part of 2 days and all Friday from school last week, because of stomach flu symptoms. In spite of his illness he was able to play in the JV game on Thursday, which Centennial won. They won ugly, but they won. Mountain View moved the ball on them a lot, but wasn't able to score. The final--13 (all of which Centennial scored in the first quarter) to 6. (Melinda might remember the score slightly differently because I'm not sure if I'm right, but Centennial definitely won). Hunter struggled a bit, I'm sure because he was dehydrated from being sick for several days. The next day the Varsity team also won, but unfortunately Hunter was too sick to go to school at all that day and was unable to be with the team. Greg and I took Taddy and Kate to the game, however, and although it wasn't nearly as enjoyable without Hunter there, it's fun to see Centennial doing so well as a team since they struggled so much last season. Several boys from our own little neighborhood made great plays including Sam Bounds, who lives on our street, Connor Radnovich, who lives next door to Waltons, and Morgan Bradley. I'm having a great time seeing so many kids I know play and perform well in these big games!
Saturday Hunter was fully recovered and able to come with us to the BSU game. He sat in the stands for the first time in several years instead of doing ball boy, as Greg had notified the ball boy boss that Hunter was sick and might not be able to be there. He and Kate sat in the south end zone and got up close and personal with the players while Greg and I sat in our regular mid-field seats. Okay, so the game wasn't exactly a nail-biter, but it was still so much fun. What better way to enjoy the best weather of the year than being outside at a football game for 3 or 4 hours.
Unfortunately as Hunter has recovered from his illness, Rachel has picked up her own. She has more of an upper-respiratory infection she's suffering from, but when you're as busy as she is, you just kind of keep going even when you're sick. While we were at the game her school quartet was playing at an open house. She also has lots of homework already, which is what happens when you take difficult classes.
Now backtracking a little to treatment day, for the most part it was uneventful again. Tammee was able to come with me, always a treat, and Melissa, Chase and Addison entertained Tadman. I've become a real fixture down there now. All the nurses and nurses aids have their little jokes about me and about my reactions of the past. Those aren't happening anymore, however, so they're going to have to come up with some new material. I haven't seen my doctor in person for several weeks. He was at some sort of training when I was there last, but I am getting good care from the nurse practitioners who see me when he's gone. This week I was able to reduce my blood sugar levels by 16 points--in just one week!--and as a side benefit lost 3 and a half more pounds. I've now lost about 29 since I started treatment, but unfortunately don't look healthier and more attractive as a result. I look forward to being done with treatment so I can have some hair again, a little more color in my face, and a little less of the steroid puffiness to my cheeks. I keep wondering how can I have lost 30 pounds and look this much worse than I did before? So I am here to clear up that old argument once and for all, it IS better to feel marvelous than it is to look marvelous, but the best is looking and feeling marvelous! Maybe someday.
The treatment itself, as I said, went reaction-less again. That's three weeks in a row now, so I think the nurses and pharmacists have officially figured out what concoction of drugs works. It still takes a long time since they are cautious about giving the Taxol to me too quickly, but that's just time I can spend with a good friend, talk with all the great people down at MSTI, and have some lunch. What a great excuse I have to just kind of waste a day each week, and how lucky I am that friends are willing to come and waste a day with me.
For all of you who go to treatment with me, who bring meals to me and my family, who clean my house and do my laundry, who watch Tadman, and who pray for all of us, THANK YOU, again and again. We are really doing so well right now because of all the support surrounding us, but unfortunately this journey isn't quite over. As I anticipate surgery and get a little nervous about the implications, especially for my kids, and for the things I won't be able to help them with as I recover, I know it'll all work out because of all the willing helpers we have all around us. I'm trying to find that balance between planning for every eventuality and just enjoying life for today, because I'd rather be able to focus on the subtle changes in the weather, a beautiful sunset (a little earlier each day), or my little Tadman's sweet face.

Football, Football, Football, and an Important Day for Kate

2009-09-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

Oh man I've been busy the last few days with school and football season starting and Kate getting baptized. Treatment starts to take a back door to all the other stuff when there is so much going on. But I'll start by telling you about treatment.
I was excited to have Melinda Sant go with me this week. Myrna Johns had signed up, but she was sick with food poisoning or the stomach flu and Melinda was nice enough to step in and volunteer to go in her place. Thanks to the Osiers and Misty for watching Tadman (Kate was at school that day) and to Melissa for watching Luke Sant at the last minute for Melinda.
Going to treatment was extra fun this week because of the big game on tap later that evening--BSU vs. Oregon at Bronco Stadium--and there was an extra buzz and excitement at MSTI because of it. Several of the patients were in their BSU gear, and 2 of the nurses were wearing their Bronco colors. People seemed a little happier and chattier than on a regular day.
After getting my port accessed and blood drawn I was called back to see one of the nurse practitioners. She had bad news for me, or the start of bad news anyway. As part of treatment I have been taking a steroid every week to help me get through treatment and recover more quickly from it. Since I've been doing the Taxol treatments they have increased the dosage and given me extra in pill form that I take 12 hours prior to coming in for treatment. I found out on Thursday that the steroid I've been taking has caused my blood sugar to gradually rise over the course of treatment, and while it was in the close to normal range 5 weeks ago (60 to 90 are the normal range numbers), it has now climbed to 160. ARGH! No one in my family has ever had diabetes, I've never had any problems prior to treatment, even during pregnancies, and now I have a new thing to worry about. For the time being they aren't going to treat me for the high blood sugar, but asked me to watch what I eat and try to increase my exercise. I'm pretty mad about it, not that being mad will make any difference, but I hope to be healthy again someday, and not permanently altered by cancer treatment. For those of you praying for me, if you wouldn't mind offering a prayer that I can be healthy and whole again, and that my body will recover once all the drugs leave my system, that is a blessing I hope for and would welcome! The only other symptom I'm suffering from now is called neuropathy, and Taxol causes it. Neuropathy is the loss of sensation in fingers, toes and feet due to nerve damage. I am experiencing it now, mostly in my toes, but also in my fingers and my face a little bit. So far it's not painful, but for some when it gets bad it can make it difficult to walk. I have started taking glutamine powder, an amino acid that body builders take to help muscles recover after hard workouts, at the suggestion of the nurse practitioner. It sometimes helps reawaken those nerve endings. My thought is, with all these steroids and the glutamine powder, why don't I have buns and abs of steel? What's up with that?
The good news for the week was that with Melinda by my side and helpful pharmacists nearby, I got through another round of Taxol without an allergic reaction. That's 2 weeks in a row! My mind has now moved on to worrying about surgery since the chemo treatments seem to be under control. I will meet with my surgeon on September 28 and we'll discuss the options available to me and the implications of those options, and then tentatively I'll have surgery on October 22.
Even though these treatments have been forced upon me, I am going to miss them when I finish up next month. I love the opportunity to spend several hours with my companions talking and bonding. I have gotten to know so many friends better since I started, and that's been a great thing. Also, I just love the nurses and volunteers that work in the chemo suite at MSTI. They are dedicated, smart, kind, and resourceful. They are cheerful, and friendly, and helpful, and patient. The volunteers make sure I'm comfortable and offer food and drinks and warm blankets. I hope to sometime have the opportunity to give some of that good care and attention back.
Now for the non-treatment news. The football season, which is always warmly welcomed at my house, started in full force this past week. Hunter had a game at Centennial on Tuesday, played again at Eagle on Wednesday (his team prevailed with a last few seconds field goal), and then came the big Boise State game everyone had been talking about for weeks. They say that college football is now as pro football once was, so I think it follows that high school football is as college football once was. What I'm trying to say is, I just love a good high school football game! To spend a warm, balmy evening in the stands, have a beautiful sunset unfold right in front of you, smell the hot dogs grilling, the cheerleaders occasionally cheering, the little kids playing in the stands, and now to have my son a part of it, it's just really exciting for me! I enjoyed those games even more than the Boise State game, mainly because there seems to be more and more negativity and bad behavior occurring at the college games. The Boise State fans have ventured out to away games over the past few years and have brought rudeness and insults back with them. Fortunately the players still display the good characteristics that we all want Boise to be known for--determination, hard work, dedication to a cause, discipline, a common goal, and ultimately success--but not so some of the fans, unfortunately.
After a great opening week of football action we had an even more significant event for Kate. At 4 o'clock in the afternoon yesterday, with both grandmas, Ron, aunts and uncles and cousins, brothers and sister, and lots of friends in attendance, Kate was baptized and confirmed by her dad. She had a new white dress to wear and new scriptures that she had chosen earlier in the day with her Grandma Gloria. She had her hair beautifully braided and a sweet, serene smile on her face. Afterwards she was able to celebrate at home with swimming and a barbecue and a house full of friendly conversation, more football, and good food. She had a great day, and what a blessing it has been for me to feel well enough to plan and enjoy these important times in my kids lives while undergoing treatment. I enjoy and appreciate it all more than ever before because I realize more than ever before how important and precious these occasions with my kids are, and I am so happy they haven't had to skip birthday parties, games, and baptisms because of my health. In that way I've been very blessed.
So as fall arrives and summer ends I am so happy to have a family to share joys and sorrows with, to occupy my time and attention with their needs so I am not preoccupied with mine, and to just spend time with. I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing than being a mom of these 5 kids. Bruce Springsteen may have been born to run, but I was born to love and care for Greg, Rachel, Hunter, Parker, Kate, and Tadman. It's a pretty great life!

Eighteen Years In the Blink of An Eye!

2009-08-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to quickly get word out that I'm not sick or suffering, but haven't written just because I've been extra busy getting 4 kids back in school. The treatment went much better last Thursday, in fact they didn't have to stop during it at all, and I am hopeful that the remaining 5 will be just as carefree.

Oh, it's hard for me to let my friends go back to school! I know not everyone feels that way, but the first few weeks back are always a very hard adjustment for me. I sobbed Sunday night as Greg gave each a father's blessing in preparation for another school year. The hard part is marking time and realizing the little girl I just sent off to kindergarten is a senior this year. A senior! Of course since this has been my favorite part of life--the part between giving birth to my first little new baby and now--it's seemed like just a few moments instead of 18 years. I will write more in detail in a few days when I've adjusted! This is Rachel bonding with baby Tadman a couple of years ago.

I've Got to Admit I'm Feeling Better, I'm Feeling Better All the Time

2009-08-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

I have to start today by thanking all those who commented on my blog this past week or told me they were still reading it. Now I am re energized to continue!
I know I'm beginning to feel much better and healthier as the past few weeks my focus has turned back to my family, getting ready for the upcoming school year, and looking forward to football season instead of being on my treatments or my reservations and fears about the side effects of my treatments. I am beginning to think I've already hit absolute bottom, and now I'm headed back up to the surface and renewed health and vitality. My energy level continues to creep closer to what it once was, and with a busy school year just a week away (GASP!), I'm going to need all the pep I can muster.
I will catch you up on all my family's activities in a minute, but I wanted to get to some of the good trends that happened in treatment this week. The best thing about the day was that my great friend, helper, supporter, shoulder to cry on, swimming teacher to Tadman, and meal organizer, Justine, was able to accompany me this week. She left her mom to be with me, and I can't say how much I appreciate her. Treatment was super early this week, starting at 8:00 (that's super early for me!). I did all the prerequisite activities--the puzzle, the port blood draw, the witty conversation with the staff and volunteers--and then got the chance to see Dr. Montgomery for the first time in 3 weeks. He seemed well rested and relaxed after a visit to Green Bay with his family to see his wife's parents. I asked, but they didn't watch a Green Bay preseason game while they were there, and although the wife's parents are stockholders in the team, they don't have season tickets. I thought everyone in Green Bay had season tickets! How disappointing. Anyway, he suggested one last antihistamine to add to all the other pre medications I get before treatment now to try to avoid allergic reaction--the medicine Singulaire--and said that's the last one he could think of to add. There was exciting news for him to report, that my platelet counts had started to climb, so the transfusion that was looming last week won't be necessary, at least not for now. The other good news was I lost weight this week without feeling sick or being totally unable to eat! It was a pretty good appointment!
So after seeing Dr. Montgomery I was ready for treatment again, but feeling confident because of all the great staff to help me and having Justine by my side. And now that I'm feeling better again I'm noticing the other patients suffering and feeling fortunate for my well being. This week there was a man there who was really sick when he came in--wheezing, gasping, and spitting stuff into a bag, and when he got into the chemo suite they had several medicines to give to him. I'd imagine his cancer is a lot more advanced and aggressive than mine.
Now that I have to take all these pre meds, the preparation part of my treatment takes a long, long time. They give me steroids, Benedryl, Zyrtec, and Singulaire, some other medicine I can't remember the name of, and then they get the morphine ready in case it's needed. This week the nurse, Allison, was sneeky and started the Taxol drip without telling me while I was talking to Justine, but I still felt the reaction, but it was much less intense than in previous weeks, so maybe all these allergy medicines are working! They only stopped the Taxol for a short time, checked with the doctor, and started again, and after speeding the rate of the drip up later in the treatment, Justine and I were done by a little after 3:00. Isn't that so much better than 5:30! That means I might be able to do it before Kate gets home from Joplin once school starts. That's what I'm hoping for. As an added bonus to an already pretty good day, my buddy Sarah stopped in to see me. It was a great surprise, and I had all kinds of questions about parenting issues to run past her, and she had some good answers for me. She also added energy, enthusiasm, and fun to my treatment day. Man, if someone had given me a pedicure it would have practically been a day at the spa. Thank you to Tammee and Jessie Fulghum for tending to Kate and Tadman for the day. They were very happy to spend the day with you!
My kids had lots of activities this week to supplement my day at the spa. Hunter was introduced as part of Centennial High's varsity team at the "Meet the Team" event on Thursday evening. He thinks he'll probably spend time with the junior varsity team as well, but I think he's really looking forward to the season and the opportunity to play. The Statesman's Prep Football section came with the paper today, and I've got to tell you I have never been so excited to read it as this year. Hunter has worked hard for years improving his game, his strength, and his knowledge and it's nice to have him on the cusp of being one of those big high school football players he admired so much when he was a little kid. As treasurer of the Football Boosters I also got to collect checks that night--a perfect post-chemo evening out!
On Friday we had Parker's better-late-than-never birthday party at our house, so on Friday we were busy grocery shopping, cleaning (mostly Parker's room since the other house cleaning had already been done), getting the pool ready, and ordering pizzas. I think it was worth the wait and he had a great time. The very hot weather was a perfect compliment to our not very hot pool.
After a busy Thursday and Friday, Saturday was spent cleaning up the party leavings. Kate and Parker went birthday shopping with Greg's mom, and Rachel spent the day picking out jewelry, makeup, and outfits for her senior picture session later in the day. From 5:30 until dark we went from Harrison Blvd. to Esther Simplot Performing Arts Center to Kathryn Albertson Park changing clothes, hairstyles, and earrings along the way. Even the cello came along and appeared in a few of the shots. It reminded me what a beautiful city Boise is, how fortunate we are to live here, and how long it's been since I got out to enjoy all the great treasures around me. Rachel and I wrapped up the day with dinner together at the Pad Thai House and a movie, "Julie and Julia". As always with Rachel, the best part of the day was spending time with her, contemplating how quickly she went from being a kindergartener to being a senior in high school, and how her senior year will mark the beginning of the end of the greatest era in my life. I don't regret a single moment I've spent raising, spending time with, enjoying, and loving my kids. Thank goodness I still have a school year with Rachel and still 16 years with Tadman! I will try to relish every moment of it.
Thank you to all who continue to send meals, clean every other Friday, watch kids, and accompany me to treatment. Because of your efforts I am able to still be involved in my kids' lives and activities. And I hope it doesn't take you away from your kids and the things you'd like to do. I appreciate all the support, prayers, and good vibes that come my way and I will try to take advantage of them and translate them into positive interactions with my family. I am finally beginning to see the end of this tunnel when I'll get to be the one cleaning and making meals for people again. Believe it or not, I really look forward to that!

2009-08-16T22:29:00.001-07:00

Now I'm really convinced everyone is tired of reading my blog. I only got one comment from last week, even though I included an adorable picture of Kate! I will try to make this brief, because I know at this point it is much the same every week.
Mary Ann Tueller was nice enough to come with me to treatment last Thursday, while Kate and Taddy had a very full and fun day of activity at the Walton's. Thank you for the kind support, and thanks to Stuart Walton for going above and beyond by fixing Kate's bike handlebars. The Walton kids are good people, just like their parents!
Treatment started a little earlier this week, at 9:15. Mary Ann was prepared with a lunch this time, since I was planning on another long day. The routine was much as it always is, except I saw the nurse practitioner again instead of the doctor, and she told me my platelet counts are getting low, so I'll probably need a transfusion in the next few weeks. She also let me know who to see if I needed help with my lifting toenails, so as not to let them become painful or infected or to have them ripped off. I was a little surprised about the transfusion news since I've felt more energetic the past few weeks and haven't had any signs of weakness or fainting. She warned I might experience those sensations soon.
Mary Ann was excellent company during treatment. She asked me lots of questions and let me talk almost the entire time, although I learned a little more about her and her children and grandchildren. She is a great example to me of continuing to learn, live, and pursue new interests after retirement age, and also a great example of how to get along with and enjoy a husband, and I could always use pointers in that area.
Unfortunately, just like the last 3 weeks, I had a physical reaction to the Taxol. It was the same severe back pain, and with it came the same necessary precautions and slowdowns. The infusion was stopped, more medicines administered, vitals taken, and the nurse practitioner consulted. I am growing accustomed to the pain of the treatment and feel fortunate that they are able to alleviate it right away, but the duration of the treatment is annoying, with Thursday's wrapping up a little after 4:30. MSTI is such a pleasant place, however, with such an excellent staff, that I already know I'll miss it when my chemotherapy treatments are over.
On Thursday evening after treatment we had our first entire family melt down in a long time. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with my tiredness after a long day, but it was just one of those evenings when everything seemed to go wrong, and everyone seemed to be short tempered and upset. Of course the house is a little chaotic when the mom is gone all day, and as a result chores went undone and frustrations ensued. The low point for me was cleaning the kitchen floor on my hands and knees in the wee hours of the morning, knowing I had to wake up early the next morning to drive to Salt Lake, but also knowing how hard it would be on my family at home if the work didn't get done.
Everything turned out just fine and Thursday night is just a bad memory now. Kate and I and my mom had a great, although brief, trip. My mom and I were able to be at my niece Ali's sealing in the Salt Lake temple, Kate was able to see her Las Vegas cousins that she doesn't get to see nearly often enough, and most importantly, I stayed awake and our drive was safe. I also got to see my sister Heidi and her husband who moved to Kansas City last summer, their son Chase and his wife (Chase just graduated with a degree in Japanese and business from BYU) and my nephew Jared who flew into the SLC airport after driving his sister and niece to Mississippi to join up with husband and father, Tyler. At the reception in Burley the next day we got to see my brother Jared and his wife Val and their daughter and son-in-law and two adorable grand children. There's nothing else in life that quite compares to sharing important occasions with family, and I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I also enjoyed having just one of my kids with me, because it gave me time to focus just on her needs, she had no one to argue with, and she was delightful!
I am grateful I was feeling well enough to take this trip, that my family at home was willing to take care of Tadman while I was gone, and that Parker (13 as of last Friday!) was willing to put off his birthday celebration for a little while so I could go. I am also happy that Tadman was spared a bad case of the croup that seemed to be coming on Thursday night but never really materialized. My life would be empty and meaningless without my family, and I am so glad to have had the chance to renew and enrich those relationships through a little weekend away.
Many thanks to my friends and family once again for all the mental, spiritual, and physical support. I may have given up long ago without you, and even if I hadn't given up, getting to this point certainly would have been much more difficult. I hope you can feel the sincerity of my gratitude, because it's real and heartfelt! Onward!

A LONG Treatment Day, A Short Summer

2009-08-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

My little friend Kate turned 8 on August 6, my last treatment day. How I love and appreciate this happy, energetic, excitable, enthusiastic, and loving girl and how glad I am to have her with me each day! She's an angel!

At this point you may be growing tired of my treatment day stories. What used to take about 3 hours now takes all day. Cindy Whiting can tell you--she spent a little over 8 hours with me last Thursday at MSTI, while Tadman and Kate split time between Chrissy Rich's and Justine Powell's houses. So what takes over 8 hours, you must wonder. Unfortunately, my body still dislikes Taxol, and therefore it takes a lot of time to administer it to me.

When Cindy and I left my house Thursday morning with Tadman and Kate it was raining for the first time on a treatment day. A nice change of pace, I thought. My appointment was a little later than usual, at 9:45, and MSTI was already hopping when we arrived. Cindy was a great help with the puzzle while we were waiting. The first big disappointment of the day came when the nice man who supervises the parking lot came in and told us that some of the pieces to the puzzle we were starting were missing. Luckily we were still just starting the edges so we didn't have to live through the horrible reality of being unable to finish a puzzle because of missing pieces. Poor Cindy had no idea of the long day she was in for at this point, because in no time Nurse Jacque--the same nurse that treated me last week--was calling me in to get my blood draw.

Then, like every treatment day, the next step is waiting for the doctor's appointment. This treatment day I was seeing one of the nurse practitioners instead of Dr. Montgomery. I believe Dr. Montgomery was out of town, so Cindy didn't get to meet him (bummer!), but there's lots less waiting when he's not there. And Cathy his nurse was there, so between her and the nurse practioner they had all the help and information I needed. The nurse practitioners down there are actually very knowledgeable and completely different in style from the doctors. Generally they ask a lot more questions about your health and well being and give lots more advice and information about how to feel good and keep living your life during cancer treatment, so it's a nice supplement to the doctor visits.

After seeing me and reviewing my blood counts, I was deemed fit to undergo another round of Taxol. I was happy to have a little time with the puzzle again while waiting for treatment, although it really wasn't because I was scared for the Taxol. Now that I know what to expect, and know that the pain is intense but short lived and that it won't kill me or stop my breathing or put me into cardiac arrest I'm okay with it. I can handle a little touch of intense pain!

Nurse Jacque called me again, I picked a comfortable chair by the window, and Cindy settled into uncomfortable little chair (actually she initially sat in the "incorrect" chair and was asked to move so that the whole place wouldn't fall apart!). She didn't know she was settling in for the next 5 hours. Seems when you react to the medication everything slows way down. First of all, they have to give me extra medication before getting started, the pharmacy also has to prepare extra medications, and that takes more time. Then the nurse has to wait an extra time period for the extra medications she gives to be absorbed before treatment can begin. Then when the patient still reacts, as I did like clockwork about 12 minutes after beginning Taxol, protocol dictates that the drip must be stopped, additional medicines given, blood pressure, temperature, pulse rate, and oxygen absorption levels taken and recorded, and then the doctor or nurse practitioner has to be consulted before the nurse can continue the treatment. And during all this is when my back is killing me and I'm gratefully accepting a little more morphine. It's usually a half an hour or more before all of these steps have been followed and the drip restarted, and then it is given at a very slow rate to try to prevent a further reaction, and then before you know it it's 5:30 and you're closing down the place. So much for going out to lunch!

Cindy was so great! She was a kind, engaging and patient companion throughout, her kids only called her twice through all that time, amazingly!, and she went for hours without food until we finally gave up on lunch and got a sandwich from the back room at about 4:30. She also fetched me drinks, crocheted baby burp cloths, and empathized with my pain. Thank you so much for your kind and patient companionship, Cindy!

Other than treatment day, I am feeling pretty good, and so much better than a few weeks ago. My energy level is pretty good, I'm not as traumatized by the steroid emotional roller coaster, and I occassionally have a pretty good appetite. Unfortunately, sometimes I eat and regret it soon after--there are still some digestive irregularities--but the remaining side effects seem pretty minor.

Feeling a little better comes at a convenient time as my kids have had several things going on the past week. Hunter had the good fortune to get his wisdom teeth out. His dentist referred him to an oral surgeon, probably because our dentist is a little guy, and it's probably a little intimidating to inflict pain upon a big kid like Hunter. After several days of milkshakes and ramen and pain medicine Hunter seems to be doing fine. He scared us with a few weird nosebleeds, but he seems to be a little better every day, and I think he'll be ready for football two-a-days a week from tomorrow.

While Hunter was suffering at home, Rachel was up in beautiful Sun Valley at a music workshop. She left last Sunday after church and Kate, Parker, Rachel's friend John, and I picked her up on Friday evening. While we were there we got to hear the final concert of the workshop and it was excellent. Rachel and two other cellists opened the concert and played the first 2 pieces, and then the orchestra she was a part of closed it with several short, but very professionally done pieces. It's always a joy to me to see and hear her play. I am so happy she decided to pursue music and put all the time and effort it takes to be good into it. I think it will help her throughout her life no matter what she decides to pursue.

And then at the end of the week we celebrated Kate! She was thrilled to see our door decorated with hearts and a necklace when we finally made it home after Thursday's treatment. Since I could do little to make her actual birthday fun, I was so fortunate to have that decorated door, cupcakes with Justine, and an ice cream cake from Greg's mom to offer her. She was excited, happy, and satisfied with those offerings and didn't complain about my lack of preparation at all, the sweetheart! Then on Saturday she got to go to Monkey Dooz and have a glitter and glamour treatment with nails, hair, makeup, and a foofy drink to enjoy. She was so excited, and it turned out to be the perfect thing for her this year. Then she got to go to dinner with Greg and I with her hair all done up and her eye makeup and sparkly nails and she thought that was great. I am so happy and relieved that she had a memorable and happy eighth birthday. I don't take those little things for granted anymore. Now everything seems like a big deal! Thanks to all of you who helped make Kate's birthday happy.

I would love to see summer go on for a few more months, for surgery and recovery to take place before my kids have to worry about practices, games, and studying. Although this has been a difficult summer, and sometimes things are chaotic and messy at home, I am more happy to be with my kids than ever before. I love them so much, am so concerned for them, and am so glad to get to spend unstructured time with them. I am going to try to relish it as much as I can before it's gone.

Thank you for your continued support, cards, words of encouragement, meals, and service. Things are better for me, but this experience, this treatment, this change of lifestyle, is tough on my husband and kids. The things you do to ease the stress really do make a difference. Thank you!

More Trouble With Taxol

2009-08-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

One more treatment day down that I've lived through and now can tell about. And that's saying something these days!

Darla Manwill was the victim accompanying me bright and early Thursday morning. Debbie Perron generously offered to watch Kate and Tadman. Darla was right on time, and as reluctant as I was to go, we arrived on time. Even though Thursdays are supposed to be slow at MSTI, the parking lot was at capacity and we had to park in a handicapped space. I think I qualify. There are no slow days down there as far as I can tell. No matter what the economy's like, cancer is a booming business!

So if you're up-to-date on my blog, you know I was very reluctant to have another infusion of Taxol. I had an emotional week, and part of that time was spent begging my husband not to make me do any more treatments, so Greg took the time to meet me and see the doctor with me this week, so we could discuss possible alternatives to Taxol. After a long, long wait (Greg almost left several times, and poor Darla was stuck watching TV in the waiting room) Dr. Montgomery suggested three possible options. I could try a different chemo drug--sorry but I can't remember its name--that would have fewer side effects, but had the possibility of causing liver malfunction. Unfortunately if the drug ended up causing my liver to malfunction, all my treatment, including surgery, would have to be postponed until my liver began functioning normally again. The second option he offered was going directly to surgery. He said studies suggested that at this point in treatment, I would have a 60 percent chance of being completely cancer free, and if I was cancer free at surgery, I would have a 90 percent chance of never having breast cancer again. If at surgery I wasn't cancer free, they would still finish the Taxol treatments for the extra assurance the cancer wouldn't reoccur. The final option was to go ahead with the Taxol treatments, drugging me up in advance to get me through the painful reaction to the drug. If I complete the Taxol treatments before surgery, my chances of being cancer free at surgery time would raise to 80 percent. And if you're cancer free at surgery time your odds of staying cancer free for the long term raise dramatically. After all the options were discussed and questions asked, I got straight to the bottom line. "If you had cancer, what would you do?" My doctor said that if it were him he'd do the Taxol, but added that while he enjoys watching the bull fight, he doesn't know if he'd like to be the matador. Isn't he clever? So although Greg was convinced that going straight to surgery sounded best, I decided to go the route my doctor would go--back to the dreaded Taxol! (I totally understand where Greg's coming from, by the way. The only thing worse than doing cancer treatment is living with the person who's suffering through it!)

So back to the chemo suite I went, Darla bravely accompanying me. There was no waiting, in fact the chemo nurse was right outside the doctor's office looking for me because I'd been in there so long. It's fortunate she was there, because Cathy, Dr. Montgomery's nurse, gave her special instructions for my infusion. The chemo nurse wasn't aware I'd had a reaction to Taxol the week before and didn't know there would be any special instructions. Later she told me how lucky it was she'd talked to Cathy, as Dr. Montgomery had put the special instructions in his comments, which my chemo nurse doesn't normally check. So before the infusion even started, in addition to the Benadryl and the steroid, they gave me 2 mgs. of morphine. Then they waited 15 minutes before starting the Taxol, and started it at a much slower rate than last time. Even with all these precautions, my body started reacting to the Taxol about 15 minutes later. In addition to the back pain and the shortness of breath, this time I also had pain in both knee caps and chattering teeth. Once again they stopped the infusion momentarily, gave me more Morphine and Benadryl, and went to ask the doctor whether to restart the infusion. He, of course, had them restart, but at an even slower rate, and 2 and a half hours later the treatment was complete! Although I had the same reaction as last time, it wasn't nearly as hard for me to go through this time, mainly because I knew what to expect, but also because the nurse was ready to deal with the reaction immediately--plus I was really close to the pharmacists this week, so I got that extra Morphine right away.
After a trip to the pharmacy for more drugs to take before next treatment day to try to further fend off bad reactions, Darla and I enjoyed a very late lunch at Fuddruckers. We pretty much had the place to ourselves and enjoyed pretty good burgers and great conversation.
We found the kids at Justine's house. Not surprisingly the Perron's had some errands to run after several hours of babysitting. Tadman and Kate were well taken care of and happy, and all was quiet at home. In addition to a little babysitting, Justine brought part of dinner over to our house a few minutes later (Tammee Fulghum brought the rest).
Even though treatment isn't going as smoothly as it could, my spirits are so much improved from last week. It feels so great to be over that bout of pneumonia and be done with the antibiotics. I'm eating better, sleeping better, and I'm able to participate in family life again. I'm just now beginning to realize how horrible those 2 weeks of illness were--probably the worst weeks of my life.
So even though I'm not exactly healthy, I am so grateful to feel so much better than I did before. I am thankful that Hunter is safely back from High Adventure. I am thankful that my kids, who've had a lot more illness than usual this summer, are all on the mend. The Stereo Shoppe continues to support our family due to Greg's time and leadership, the house still stands, and everyone is fed and clothed sufficiently. I am blessed to have a reputable cancer treatment facility where I live so I don't have to travel or be away from my family to get better.
Thank you for continuing to support me and my family through this very long process. We do appreciate all the help, the compassion, and the kindness we've been shown. Believe me, I know this is taking forever and you are sacrificing your own comfort to help us. Please know how grateful we are.

2009-07-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

Parker completed the mile swim at Boy Scout Camp with a smile on his face!

I haven't posted a blog entry since July 7! In the meantime I've spent a lot of hours at the doctor, emergency room, and bed. I missed 2 treatments due to my illness, drank Rachel's smoothies so I could gag some really big antibiotics down, finished reading "The Wednesday Letters" for September's book club, and didn't do much else. I didn't even feel well enough to do puzzles when I was waiting in the doctor's office. My fever got as high as 104.3 degrees, and stayed elevated for 9 days. My oxygen saturation fell to 89% from its usual 99 to 100%. In trying to diagnose my illness I went through every test known to man. I had several blood tests, urine tests, flu swabs, chest x-rays, a spinal tap, an EKG, and the test where they look at your heart with an ultrasound machine. After all these tests they concluded I had a rare kind of pneumonia that occurs in chemo patients. Apparently after ruling everything else out that's the only thing they could come up with. So they took me off the antibiotic I was prescribed in the hospital and put me on another type that's much huger and harder to take, plus I take six a day, as compared to one of the other kind.
I'm seventeen treatments into chemo and it's really starting to take a toll on my body. I saw my doctor yesterday and he deemed I was healthy enough to get treatment. I was very reluctant since I've felt horrible ever since my first Taxol infusion on the 7th. My doctor insisted my illness was caused by the Adria/Cytoxin treatments and not the Taxol. I made him promise the Taxol wouldn't make me sick before I agreed to do it, and he promised without hesitation, so I took his word for it and mentally prepared for another go.
When I got called into the chemo suite I had a nurse I was unfamiliar with since I've been going on Mondays and it was a Thursday. She accessed my port perfectly, gave me the Benadryl and steroids, and immediately came back with the Taxol. It's slower on Thursdays so the pharmacists are right on top of things. She asked if I had had any reaction to Taxol the first time I got it, and I told her no. So she just started the infusion at the regular pace and left to call in another patient. About 10 minutes into the treatment I started to feel a major reaction coming on! It felt like a spike was being driven into my lower back, my lungs seemed to shrink and refuse to take in air, and the closest nurse was tending to another patient a few chairs away. I tried to wait until she was done talking to him, but I couldn't stand it anymore, so I raised my hand and said, "Excuse me, I think I'm having a reaction to this medicine." Immediately I was surrounded by 3 nurses, a pharmacist with Benadryl and morphine, and a nurses assistant taking vitals. The morphine took 5 or 10 minutes to work--a very long 5 or 10 minutes--and I was finally able to relax and get a breath again. My nurse went to ask Dr. Montgomery if she should restart the treatment or send me home, and of course he told her to restart it. She did say he felt bad for promising me whip cream and cherries. I wonder how he's going to motivate me to do it next week. So like a lamb to the slaughter I sat there and watched her restart the poisonous drip that had caused me excruciating pain just minutes earlier, but she stayed nearby this time, slowed down the drip, and made sure I was tolerating the medicine before she left, and the morphine and Benadryl got me through. Ironically I didn't take anyone with me this time since I wasn't sure treatment was going to be happening, so no one got to share in my pain.
And today I have an itchy rash all over my body that I have to take more Benadryl for. I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to Taxol, but my doctor seems determined to give it to me. It may be a long 10 weeks!
I need to say thank you to Rachel for the exceptional video tribute she made for my 43rd birthday. It was creative, funny, heartwarming, and professional. You know how much I love gifts that take time and planning, and that project took hours and hours to film and edit. It was great to have so many friends there to watch it with me. It's something I'll treasure and watch again, Rachel. Thank you so much for the tribute!
Thanks to all my friends and family for continuing to support us with meals, laundry and cleaning. It's been invaluable the last few weeks while I've been down. Greg's having a hard time working 12 hour days and then coming home and doing everything I used to do, but it's a great relief to him when he doesn't have to cook dinner or throw in a load of laundry on top of it.
Well, I have to take the Benadryl now, and that's likely to put me to sleep for a few hours, so I'll wrap up for today. This LONG treatment is beating me up, but it helps knowing prayers are being offered on my behalf, people are fasting for me, and sending positive vibrations my way. I'll keep on putting one foot in front of the other, take it one fever or rash at a time, continue to trust my doctor, and eventually get through this.

Taxol is EASY!

2009-07-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

I was going to update you last night, but I started the project I've been dreading--going through hundreds of medical bill and insurance statements, figuring out which we've paid, which were overdue, and which were still pending insurance payments, and figuring out how Greg's going to pull that money out of an already struggling business. By the time I done with it all it was about 4 a.m., a little too late to start the blog, but at least now Greg has a better picture of what kind of money we're talking. He will also be happy to know I am done with the Neupogen shots and their hefty price tag. I ended up administering 47 shots, and our cost after insurance had paid their 2/3rds was a $3,500 give or take a few dollars. Maybe we should have risked infection and taken the kids to Hawaii instead. Or furnished a few rooms. Or bought everyone in the family a new wardrobe. But 47 shots in the abdomen was kind of fun, and I stayed pretty infection free for those first 15 weeks. Go white blood cells!

Now that you feel sufficiently sorry for Greg's lot in life, I have a treatment day to tell you about. My friend for the treatment this week was Stephanie Searle, and she got to share with me the transition from awful Adria to delightful (so they tell me) Taxol. Stephanie had enlisted her kids, Kendra and Kim especially, to take care of Tadman while we were at treatment. Thank you Kendra, Kim, and Taylor for taking such good care of Tadman for me. I know he had fun because he was sleeping like a baby when we returned!

Stephanie was familiar with MSTI because her grandma had been treated there a few years back for pancreatic cancer. We found a place in the tiny parking lot (Hurrah!), checked in, and I dragged Stephanie over to the latest puzzle. Stephanie said she was into 200 piece puzzles and not 1000 piece puzzles, but she was kind enough to humor me by participating even though her heart was not completely in it. (We're definitely putting a puzzle table up in that bonus room when we start using it. Then I can be up there supervising and doing puzzles when my kids are watching movies and playing video games with their posses.) Of course the puzzle making never lasts long, because they always come and tell me I need to get my blood draw, then the minute I return I get called to wait in the doctor's examination room, where I wait a long, long time, then see the doctor, get back to the puzzled for seconds, then go to chemo. So Stephanie only had probably 10 minutes total of puzzle building to put up with. This ends the puzzle rant for the week.

So when we were actually with the doctor, after the long wait (you will be happy to hear that my weight and blood counts were not alarming this week), I got to hear how much happier I was going to be on these Taxol treatments I was beginning this week. When I asked what symptoms to expect I was told hair loss was possible! Shocking! Also I may have some loss of sensation in my fingertips and toes, perhaps a metallic taste in my mouth, and a little fatigue. I hope I don't lose my hair! I've got some serious regrowth occurring.
After seeing the doctor and hearing how "easy" this Taxol business is going to be, I was a little surprised when the nurse administering the Taxol started explaining the protocol she'd be following. Intead of anti-nausea drugs, with Taxol they start you out with a bunch of Benadryl and stomach acid reducers (I can't remember which particular brand right now), then they wait for your body to really ingest the Benadryl, because they worry about allergic reactions to the Taxol. While waiting for the Benadryl, the nurse gets the oxygen ready, brings a mask for resuscitation, and tells you possible reactions you should tell her about should you experience them. While all this is going on I'm thinking, "This sounds easy." The nurse kept assuring me there was no need to worry. They could almost always control the allergic reactions with more Benadryl, and the few times the reaction has been severe, the rescue team from the hospital has responded quickly enough that resuscitation didn't take place at MSTI, but at the hospital. The doctor failed to describe these possible allergic reactions during my examination. Curious.
The good news is Stephanie got out of there without having to watch me go into cardiac arrest. I actually didn't have any extreme reactions to the Taxol, although the Benadryl did make me a little drowsy. Stephanie was brave enough to stick by me through all these warnings of adversity, and let me borrow her phone to call Rachel and ask her to deliver kids places as the afternoon slipped away. The Taxol is a longer process because of the wait time for the Benadryl and because it is administered by the drip whereas Adria is injected into the line connected to the port and takes only a few minutes to administer.
It is now Wednesday, I'm on the third attempt to get this blog written, and so far, I feel about the same as I did on the Adria. I am hoping the side effects I'm still experiencing (particularly the very sore bottom and feet) are residual effects and will go away over time. I look forward to the day when I don't feel like crying every time I have to go to the bathroom, and the skin on the bottom of my feet no longer peels off in big sheets and leaves the soles very sensitive and painful to the touch. I also look forward to the day, although it might adversely effect the weight loss, when I look forward to eating a meal instead of approaching a meal like a necessary dose of medicine.
After all the excitement of a possible cardiac arrest, Stephanie and her daughter, Justine, took me to Donny Mac's Trailer Park Cuisine. It was my first time, and I was favorably impressed. They have a great patio with misters, a cool college hang-out vibe, and their booth benches have wheels on them so you can get as close or as far away as you need to be from the table depending on the girth of your belly and the length of your arms. The food was even pretty good. It's very nice to have lunch with friends to look forward to each Monday after treatment. Thank you Stephanie, and all my other companions, for taking the time to come with me to lunch after already taking several hours for treatment. And thanks to your families for sacrificing all you could do for them in that time you are away. The staff at MSTI is very favorably impressed with my constantly changing, but always kind and supportive string of companions. They can't believe how many friends I have! Neither can I.
I will have to ask my friend Jesse McOmber about running marathons, since I've never even considered doing such a crazy thing, but I imagine along the way you encounter many battles with yourself. You probably wonder if your will to complete the race can overcome the pain your body must experience along the way. I'm sure there are hard miles, and easier miles when those endorphins kick in, and then hard miles again when the drain of energy overcomes the endorphin rush. As I am not a marathoner it's hard to know if this long long chemotherapy course can be compared to a marathon, but I certainly am experiencing those ups and downs, those moments of confidence and then self-doubt, and sometimes, and more and more often as treatment goes on, discouragement in my own weaknesses, my shortcomings as a mother and friend and wife, my self-absorbedness, my inability to get beyond my own concerns and on to the problems of others. I am tired of accepting help and settling for missed appointments and a grubby house and an imperfect yard and everything else that comes with being less than I used to be. If you're wondering why I cry at church a lot some days, that's usually why. I'm thinking about my ever diminishing capacities and my human frailty, and doing a little wallowing in it. I realize this just shows a greater weakness. I know this just means I have not yet accepted that I don't matter that much in the big scheme of things, that the Lord was in control before I got cancer, He is now, and He will be after the treatment is over. I don't know why I am unable to completely drop my burdens at His feet and why I insist upon struggling against things I have no control over. Maybe this experience is to break my will at last, but, oh, it is hard for me to give up my illusion of control! I think maybe it is because I feel passionately about things, like my kids, and I think they'll perceive I don't care as much if I let go. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure things out as I put one foot in front of the other each day.

I traditionally end my blog by thinking about my blessings, and I think it's a good way to end. I am thankful for fireworks--the big ones at the community Fourth of July celebrations. Whenever I see them I feel the wonder and excitement of childhood all over again, especially when I'm holding my 2-year-old and seeing his reaction to them for the first time. He was sure they were going to get in his shoes! I am thankful for ice cream, which somehow tastes good no matter what ails you. I am thankful for summertime, and the different pace and feel it has, the variety and break in routine it provides that in the end makes you excited for its conclusion and the establishment of routine once again. It's just the right length of time to be creative and loose before buckling down again in the fall. I am thankful that my husband has not abandoned me even though I have moved from the asset to the liability column in his life. I know I am one more drain on those ever dwindling resources and I appreciate his sense of duty and honor that keeps him going to the salt mines six days a week while I do very little of anything at home, and I am hugely grateful to the dozens of friends and family trying to pick up my slack. I am thankful that my kids have activities like scout camp, girls' camp, high adventure, and football workouts to give them a sense of purpose this summer since I can't give them the activities and structure I normally provide.

Happy Birthday to my brother, John, on the third of July. He and his wife sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers on my birthday and I did nothing for him, but I did remember his birthday and think about him on that day, and I am very grateful for him and his family and my association with them.

Lastly, to all of you who continue to provide meals, companionship during treatments, cleaning, laundry service, yard clean-up, cards, uplifting thoughts, and prayers on behalf of my family and me, thank you. I know it must be hard to sign up for a meal when you've brought three already or to come clean again, or to watch Tadman on that endless treatment day, but I want you to know you are really holding a family on the edge together. I don't think we'd be intact without your help. And although I know Justine doesn't read my blog, please tell her I mentioned how grateful I am to her for the loving attention she is giving to Tadman as she teaches him to swim several days a week, and how she keeps those sign-up sheets traveling around until all the needs have been met, and how she fills any spot that hasn't been taken. She is a genuine, lovely person inside and out. Thank you Kimberly and Kendra for the loving care you gave Tadman while your mom was with me at treatment this week! I want you all to know how very humbled I am accepting all this help. It is really hard for me, in fact I think about calling Justine and telling her we don't need any more meals or cleaning every week, but in spite of my discomfort in accepting it, I do appreciate it. Thank you.

Surprise! You Lost All Your Blood Cells!

2009-06-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

Tuesday has somehow become official blogging day, so here's the latest.
Treatment started early yesterday. My appointment was at 8:15, but since there were a few breaks in communication between Justine, who graciously arranges companions and babysitting for me, and Melinda, the prearranged companion, and me, we left Melinda's house a little after 8, and after running into road work on Chinden and detouring to State, I ended up getting there at about 8:40. Good news is, at MSTI they generally treat cancer patients like gold no matter how late they are for their appointments!
Puzzle making time was all too brief again. Melinda got a little extra in while I was having my port accessed and blood drawn. That only takes about 10 minutes, so it doesn't really require a companion's company or conversation.
Just a few minutes after I arrived back at the puzzle table I was called in to see the nurse practitioner. On the way in I got weighed and had lost 7 pounds which was no big deal, but I was excited about it because I had held pretty steady since the first few weeks of treatment when I lost about 8 or so. Apparently most people gain 10 pounds on chemo because of the steroids given to prevent nausea during the infusion portion of the appointment. So even though you'd expect to lose a lot of weight because of hating food and feeling sick and all, surprisingly one more benefit of treatment is weight gain. Yeah! So anyway, I had sent Melinda to the room early so I wouldn't suffer the humiliation of being weighed in front of her, but no sooner was I settled into the room with Melinda, the nurse who weighed me stuck her head in and said, "Do you realize you lost 7 pounds this week? Last week you weighed blah-blah-blah, and this week you weigh blah-blah-blah." So I said I did realize that, and thanked her, and Melinda graciously just played it cool and didn't say "You weigh what?" or anything. Thanks, Melinda.
The next bit of excitement was when the nurse practitioner came in and said she didn't know what to do, and perhaps she'd have my blood draw redone. The lab had provided her with the breakdown of my blood counts, and it was showing I had a huge drop off of platelets, and zero white blood cells. She was trying to figure out how I could look the same and feel the same as last week and have my blood work so dramatically different at the same time. Just as I was getting up to get a redraw, the error was discovered. Later at infusion the nurse told me what had happened. The lab workers have lots and lots of tests to run quickly, and because of this they sometimes don't have the official lab labels made to put on the individual vials of blood. These labels have your name and birth date and all your specific information so the samples won't be mixed up in the lab. When my draw was taken the lab labels weren't ready, so the nurse followed the established protocol and put pre-prepared patient labels on my vials of blood instead. They contain the same information of the lab labels, but aren't "official" so as I understand it, when those samples come to the lab the lab technicians put the "official" lab labels over the unofficial patient labels. Well, as luck would have it, at the same moment my vials of blood were submitted to the lab, another patient's "official" labels were laid right next to the vials, the lab technician assumed the vials and labels went together so without double checking put the "official" labels of the other patient on top of my unofficial labels, then put the official labels with my name on the other patient's blood samples. So the bad results were his, but they came up on my chart because they were labeled with my name. So in the end I didn't get out of my chemo or anything. The funniest part was the nurse in the chemo suite desperately trying to figure out how to get the bad sample report off my chart before Dr. Montgomery saw it. Apparently she's noticed how cranky he gets when his computer is messed up also.
So it was kind of an exciting day, although the actual infusion was much as it always is, except for the variety of Melinda, which made it different and interesting, of course.
After picking up a refill at the pharmacy and yet another variety of stool softener to try in the endless and futile quest for normal bowel function, we were off to lunch. We tried a Vietnamese/Thai place in the same strip mall I described last week where The Idaho Fry Company also makes its home. They had some good lunch combination deals and I got some delicious spicy chicken that came with fried rice and cha gio, a kind of crispy egg roll that you wrap in lettuce and dip in a delicious clear sauce. Melinda ordered some fresh rolls and Mandarin chicken, and we both had enough to take home for later. All this action and we were done by about 12:15!
Monday afternoons are busy, busy at our house for some reason, and this was no exception. Immediately after saying goodbye to Melinda I had to pick Kate up from swimming lessons, then Taddy up from Charity's house (sweet Justine had picked him up at my house, dressed him, and dropped him off for me since I wasn't sure where he was supposed to go when I left for treatment). We all got home just in time to take Hunter and Rachel to a dental cleaning, then leave them there to take Kate to piano. On the ride to piano Tadman fell asleep in the car, so back at the dentist's office I opened the windows and sat in the car with him to make sure he didn't get too hot, then took Hunter home to meet up with some friends, went back to pick Kate up, then finally picked Rachel up back at the dentist. Hunter discovered he needs to have his wisdom teeth extracted right away, and our dentist referred him to a specialist because the wisdom teeth have grown so close to the nerves it will be tricky to take them out. He needs to do it right away so he'll be all healed up before contact football season begins a couple of weeks into August. This summer's going to be more eventful than I thought!
Generously Greg brought home a couple pizzas and an ice cream cake so I wouldn't have to cook and the kids could sing "Happy Birthday" to me. It ended up being just Tadman and Kate and Greg and I, as Hunter and Rachel were with friends and Parker had left for boy scout camp early that morning, but Tadman sang beautifully! I can't figure out where he learns all the songs he knows, but he seems to know them all. So everyone ate in shifts watched a few pointless tv shows and went to bed.
Most of you know it was my birthday last weekend, Saturday, and for those who wonder I turned 43. Greg rented a cabin up at Tamarack for Friday and Saturday night, so he left work early and we headed up there in the afternoon. Since Tamarack has been seized by the bank, there are some great rental deals available. And these are beautiful homes with views, deluxe bathrooms, big decks with fireplaces, and hot tubs. Of course, you are pretty much all alone up there, and none of the amenities are available--even the golf course is closed--but it's definitely picturesque. While we were up there we went to dinner in McCall, we drove to Warm Lake and walked around, we drove a little past it to the summit right above, saw a little campground no one was using so decided to get out and try to get a little better view of the valley below, but once out of the car got completely swarmed by mosquitoes, so went screaming back to the car and had to settle for the view we got from the car on the way back. We had some lunch at the Whistle Stop Cafe in Cascade, looked at the property we own in Donnelly, and spent the late evening in the hot tub looking at the great big starry sky and all the satellites in orbit. We had a chance to talk for the first time in a long time, which was good, but difficult because we have a lot going on right now and the talks are pretty big and meaty.
All in all it was nice to get away for a little while, nice to relax, nice to have time to do things like clip my toenails, watch HGTV in peace, and enjoy the change of pace. Thanks Greg, for making arrangements and taking me. I'm glad we went.
Brenda tells me I need to thank Becky and Jamie for the birthday lunch at Costa Vida last week, so thanks Becky and Jamie. I thought that was all Brenda's doing. Thanks to the Ablemans for the flowers and the cookies, to my brother John and his wife Michelle for the adorable bouquet of flowers that came this morning, to my sister Heidi for the card, and to the members of my water aerobics class who continue sending cards of support my way. I thank Rachel for watching our kids and keeping our house under control while we were gone, and to Heather for keeping Tadman and Kate on Saturday when the older kids had things going on. Thanks for the ongoing support and help of all my family and friends through this long, long process. I am glad you have the determination to keep going and going. I've said it before, but this is definitely a marathon, not a sprint. On to taxol!

Treatment Day is a Delight With Ashley!

2009-06-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I missed reporting a treatment day. I'm becoming a very lazy blogger, indeed. Here's the recap.
Unfortunately, because I asked for a slightly later treatment time 2 weeks ago so I would be able to take Kate to early morning swimming lessons, this week they snuck in an afternoon treatment time, so I didn't even start until 12:15! My niece, Ashley, the one who works as an OR nurse at St. Luke's and arranged everything so nicely for me when I had my gall bladder and port surgery was able to come with me since she has quit her regular job to join her husband soon. He has been doing basic training for the Air Force in San Antonio, Texas, and will be graduating early next week. They will be stationed at Biloxi, Mississippi after that, but she still doesn't know when she and her sweet toddler, Leah, will be able to join her husband, Tyler. Anyway, that was the long explanation of why she was able to come with me yesterday, and it was certainly a treat for me to have her.
I picked her up, because she is living with her parents for her last few weeks in Boise and their house is in south east Boise, fairly near the hospital. We were planning to get lunch before treatment, but I was late, as is my custom, so we had to amend those plans a bit. Since I have been doing chemo, some things that used to be fairly easy have become fairly complicated, and one of those things is bill paying. What used to take me a couple of hours one day a month now drags out for a week or more. I find it almost impossible to stay awake long enough to balance the checkbook, go through the old receipts in my wallet and match them up to the bank and credit card statements, write the checks, put the stamps and address labels on the envelopes, and put the rubber band wrapped bundle in a mail box, so I do a little bit one day, like get everything together that I need, then take a nap. The next day I go through the bank statement, then I take a little nap, the next day I match up the receipts, then nap, the next night I write a couple checks, and you get the idea. Therefore, I have to start this process much earlier than I used to or risk the dreaded late fees. So the reason I was late to pick up Ashley, which is the point of this whole bill paying tirade, is because my property tax bill had to be postmarked on Monday, so I had to go to the bank to get money in and make sure my accounts were all in order, and then get that darn property tax bill into the post office safely. Mission accomplished. If you ever want to hear the story of the year I forgot to put postage on my property tax bill, and the angst associated with that dreadful mistake, I will be happy to tell you about it.
So I picked her up, and she was dutifully waiting right outside ready to go, so even though I was very late, we got to the clinic only a few minutes past appointment time. The afternoon was very quiet in comparison to the morning, especially the chemo suite where the blood draws and the infusions are done. Ashley and I dutifully worked on a puzzle while we waited, and I've got to say I was in the zone for once. I was finding just the right pieces with very little trial and error. I'd probably placed a dozen pieces before they called me in to draw blood, and that was only about 5 minutes after we arrived. For me, that's phenomenal puzzle building.
As usual now, there was no trouble with the port access and smooth sailing with the blood draw. Ashley and my nurse talked a little shop while the draw was in process, and that was fun to listen to--a little nurse lingo. In no time we were back at the puzzle having fun, only to be ripped away again to see the doctor. Of course there's no waiting in the lobby, where it's comfortable and nice to be, and then there's always lots of waiting when you're sitting on the little bed with the crunchy paper on it in the exam rooms where there's only really old magazines you've read the last 10 times you were waiting for the doctor and a few wildlife pictures and pictures of the clinic's doctors on a bulletin board and the four walls and the sink and the cupboards and a door and a blood pressure cuff and not much else to look at. That's where all the good long waiting happens ironically. Luckily Ashley was there to save me from lonely boredom because the doctor probably was behind since it was the afternoon so he was much slower than usual. When Ashley met him she was impressed with his computer screen staring and his evil chemist wrinkly-eyed smile, and his total absorption in his calculations of exactly how much toxin he could prescribe to kill cancer cells without killing his patient. After he decided he was off without so much as a stethoscope coming in contact with any part of my body. He could tell just by looking at my blood counts that I was the picture of health and vitality.
Only moments after arriving back in the nicely appointed lobby with a fountain and windows and juices and comfy couches, I was called in to infusion. The chemo suite, where infusion happens, is also a pleasant room and the chairs are definitely chosen with comfort in mind. Everything went quickly there, since there were still several nurses available and very few patients for them to attend to.
After treatment, Ashley steered me in the direction of a new place in that little pink strip mall on Broadway right near the hospital. One of the surgical supply reps had recommended a new place called the Idaho Fry Company. They serve burgers, sodas, milkshakes, and 6 or 7 different kinds of fries. You can choose sweet potato fries, yam fries, Yukon gold fries, russet fries, white potato fries--you get the picture. Then they have different sauces and seasonings for the fries and different cuts, like curly or homestyle, and they cook them in healthy oils and all that kind of thing. Very chic. Big city fries. It was pretty good, but although I don't love all their food, nobody has fries as good as McDonalds. On certain kinds of foods, like fries, why mess with success? The hamburgers were much better than McDonalds, however. And Ashley is so delightful food tastes better in her company.
I was sad when I had to take her home at the end of the day, but although Rachel had taken Kate to swimming and piano for me, I still had some movies to return and a little grocery shopping to do. I have failed to mention that much of this time Tadman was at Melissa's house being well tended. Unfortunately, we had a little failure to communicate between Greg and I, so I thought Tadman was already picked up, but actually he was at Melissa's still all during my errands, so he was there a long long time before I finally came to get him when I realized he wasn't home after grocery shopping. Thank you, Melissa, for putting up with the boy all afternoon and into the evening. He must have played hard, because he was pretty tired when he got home!
Only one more Adria treatment until I move on to Taxol! According to reports by my doctor and nurse the symptoms with Taxol are much less severe. Of course, my doctor may say next week that it was 20 doses of Adria, not 15 that he scheduled, but I hope not. That would be very bad news.
As usual, I have many acts of kindness to report this week. Many of the ladies in the 9 o'clock water aerobics class I've been going to, but have missed the last few weeks because of swimming lessons, have written me cards and letters of encouragement. It has been very uplifting to get one or two of them in the mail each day. I love how they sign them with their name, and then their usual spot at the pool, such as "Love, Anne (lap lane closest to diving board)". I hope to get back to class soon to thank them. We're still getting great meals, Carrie Nielson brought me a perfectly beautiful pink rose in full bloom, Laurie Gabrielsen took me on an excursion to the temple and bought me a smoothie and lunch afterwards, and just today Brenda bought me lunch at Costa Vida and then she and Stuart packed up our bikes and bike trailer and took Kate, Tadman, and me on a bike ride on the Greenbelt, and bought us an ice cream at Dairy Queen after. Isn't that nice? Kate had a great time riding her little bike a million rotations a minute and then running out of steam and stopping for multiple water breaks. Every time Tadman would wiggle out of the bike trailer and Stuart would round him up and strap him back in again. My long suffering sister is still helping with laundry several times a week. I've missed seeing my mom the last few times, but she's still helping with that job. I know that's a sacrifice for my sister's whole family, because time spent doing my laundry means time she can't do her own. Please forgive me if you've done something nice for me and I've failed to mention it. I have so many people do things for me that sometimes I can't remember them all when I write, but please know how much I appreciate everything each of you do. With all this support, I just might make it through this long, long process. I'm really enjoying the summer, the kids, the yard, and the varied and mostly cool spring weather. All in all, life is pretty good with my biggest disappointment being myself and my own human frailty. Endurance is the key, and we'll see if I have it.

How to Raise Active, Healthy Children, Cure Cancer, and Make the World A More Beautiful Place in 24 Hours or Less!

2009-06-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

Monday! Swimming lessons! Treatment! Piano lessons! Group therapy! Dinner! Planting flowers! And I'm exhausted.
Kate is taking swimming lessons bright and early last week and this. She starts at 8:45 and goes till 9:15. I like getting her going early and starting her day with something that gets her a little exercise and a sense of accomplishment. She's already a very good swimmer and in the advanced class with kids a couple of years older than she is. She needs those swimming skills for the times Parker plays rough with her and dunks her in our pool, you know.
I got home from swimming with just enough time to put a little numbing cream on my port site, give the kids a few assignments, and be off for treatment, this week with my friend, Sarah Nokleby. We were on time, there was a parking space, there was a good puzzle to finish--the one Justine and I started a few weeks ago. Everything seems to go great on treatment day, other than getting the treatment and feeling sickly for the rest of the week.
I saw the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor today. I'm not sure if he was out or just busy. She's always very nice to me and empathetic and gives me a thorough exam. There's not much new to tell. She prescribed the same dose of chemo as last week, so I elected to keep the steroid dosage reduced. She felt sad that my feet are bugging me so much and encouraged me to take more Prevacid to keep the stomach acid at bay, and a fiber supplement to regulate the digestive system, etc. etc. This is why you should never take prescription drugs unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. They mess up your system so much you need to take all these other remedies to combat the side-effects of the drugs. That's why I used to be a 4 Tylenol a year girl. Those were the days!
Chemo was nothing special except for conversation with Sarah, a more quiet, laid back atmosphere because of the later starting time, and my pick of the chairs. It's always very cool to get your favorite chair.
Sarah and I enjoyed lunch at Red Robin after chemo--always a good old reliable, I think--and then got back to our homes and kids. Sarah's kids had called her about 8 times during our stay at MSTI, so I know they were anxious to see her. I had to get back to get kids places and make sure Kate got home safely from piano lessons.
Mondays are go, go, go days for me, and once I got home I had to get Parker to a group session he's doing at the office of the counselor he's been seeing. He's not very gung-ho about the whole group therapy idea, and today did nothing to change his mind. They had a giant slip and slide, but they did it with their clothes on and they all had to do it to the doctor's specifications, like all the kids had to slide all the way from one end to the other. This turned out to be very difficult for Parker, so in the end the other kids decided the best solution for ending group would be to drag Parker across. Parker didn't like that very much so he was a little chapped. The whole point of this group is to get kids to deal with adverse situations, lots of stimulation, lots of other kids and their hyperactive tendencies, and teach them to learn strategies to get through it all appropriately. For 12 to 14 year-old boys with a variety of social issues this is much more difficult than it sounds. So Parker needed a good long time on the way home and in the garage after to get himself balanced again. I am hoping all this helps him when he has to deal with a new school year and all the chaos that comes with it.
While Parker was decompressing, and Rachel was dealing with a troubled friend, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get dinner, plant flowers, pay bills, and write a blog. We ended up getting take-out from Costa Vida, I got the flowers planted, I'm getting the blog done, but the dang bills are going to have to get done tomorrow.
If you're curious, last week was better for me emotionally than the week before. I wasn't nearly as despondent. I am hoping it has to do with the lower dose of steroid and it will continue this week. That way I can enjoy the very full, rich life I have with a husband and 5 kids, a cat, a gecko, a bunny, and assorted friends, musical instruments, an XBox Live, and a pool.
Thanks to my mother-in-law, Dee, and her husband, Ron, who spent several days last week getting our overgrown yard trimmed and cleaned up and all the resultant debris and trimmings taken to the dump. What a huge job that was! They also entertained Tadman while they worked and kept him last night and today while I was at treatment. I think "thank you" is an understatement after all that. I'll just have to return the favor sometime in the future when I'm back in full contact gardening shape. You may have to wait until next summer. Thank you to Heather and my mom for picking up laundry again today. Heather fell ill last week and skipped a few of her regular times and I tried to do a few loads on my own and I'm already even more pathetic at laundry than I used to be. That is a great service to me! I got a card of encouragement today from my water aerobics instructor, I think because I've been skipping to take Kate to swimming lessons. It's so nice of her to be concerned about me. And thanks to everyone who brought meals in last week and cleaned on Friday morning. I know many of you have done 2 or even 3 meals now, and many of you have cleaned multiple times. I appreciate you sticking with me through the marathon this treatment will be before I'm done. They gotta make sure they kill all those bad cells along with the good, ya know. All the service you are doing certainly makes a difference to me. I will try to be worthy of it by being good to my family and by doing my best to endure this chemo cheerfully.

Doctor Says What???

2009-06-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

The photo is just a little reminiscence of the good old days. I felt pretty lively the day Becky took these--about a thousand years ago in chemo time.

It's late and I need to sleep, but I had to talk treatment day. It's now the official high point of the week.

Camille Miller picked me up at 8:15 (or maybe a little earlier even) and had to wait for me. I was doing my hair! Greg took Tadman to Melissa's house to play with her kids while I was gone. It takes a load off my mind to have him watched when I'm away for a long time since my kids are in and out all day and I'm never sure if they'll designate another sibling in charge before leaving. Thank both of you for volunteering for hard duty today!

Camille and I were getting lucky right from the get go this morning. There was still a parking space in the MSTI lot, we got to start a brand new puzzle, and treatment was expeditious (is that a word?) as usual. The port was accessed easily, the doctor didn't make me wait, he was in a good mood and lowered my dosage of chemo because of bad feet even, all was well, then BAM! The hitch! This was my twelfth adria administration, in my mind my twelfth and last, but unfortunately in my doctor's mind it was the twelfth of FIFTEEN. How did that happen? That means 3 more treatments, more of those super expensive Neupogen shots, and 4 more weeks of bad symptoms.

Off to infusion and I had the sympathetic ear of my nurse. I told her about my downer of a week, and about how I thought it was a side effect of the steroid, and she talked to the pharmacist and got my dosage reduced. This might, however, lead to more nausea and stomach problems, but that may be better than the despondency. And I get to experiment this week and find out which is worse. At least no one has to hold my hair for me if I start throwing up.

So treatment day wrapped up. Don't worry about the puzzle. Camille got the edges all ready for the next puzzle efficienado while I was with the doctor. My doc had scribbled me out a scrip--I though for Neupogen--so Camille and I dropped it off, then had some lunch at the Brick Oven Bistro on the patio while waiting for it to be filled. The food, the atmosphere, and the company were great. When we went back for the prescription there was another surprise. The prescription he'd given me was a completely new subscription, a medicine to prevent ulcers (are you kidding me? I have to worry about ulcers now?) and he didn't tell me anything about it or why he wrote it for me or when to start taking it or anything. The instructions say I'm supposed to take it four times a day on an empty stomach, either an hour before or 2 to 3 hours after eating. Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to work that in when I HAVE to take food with the other medicines I take? I'm going to need a personal assistant to figure that out. Oprah could do it.

I didn't have much time to wonder because Kate had to get to a piano lesson and Parker to a group session at the clinic I'm taking him to, so it was back in the car. When I got home Hunter and his friends were jamming in the living room. We've got a lot of stuff hooked up in there. How did they manage to turn my living room into a recording studio when I was gone only a few hours? After a jam session you need a little pizza, Hunter let me know, so we got them fed and practiced and they threw a few water balloons and went on their way. I don't know about having all that gear in my living room, but other than that I'm thrilled to have them, and they're pretty good! If they keep coming I'm going to make them watch "The History of Rock and Roll" for inspiration. We'll have a little School of Rock right here.

It was hours ago we wrapped all that up, so I better wrap this up. As you can probably tell, in spite of the bad news at the doctor, I'm in much better spirits today. The steroid works well the first couple of days before crushing my spirit, so I'm going to do all I can to enjoy my early week before it turns on me.

Special thanks to everyone making comments after yesterday's blog. It HELPS A LOT knowing you all feel my pain and will do all you can to carry me through it. So Sarah, this is for you. Tonight "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!" Tomorrow, of course, may bring a retraction of that statement.

I Blame the Aliens

2009-06-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting to feel any kind of inspiration to write, and it's not happening, so I'll write anyway in the hope that it will come to me as I go.
Having never done cancer treatment before, I am not sure if what I'm experiencing at this point in the course of things is typical or not. My old roller coaster ride has gone flat, not at the peak, but at the valley, or maybe below the valley in the underground caverns, and I'm just down there now, noticing how different I've become, not seeing my blessings, but only my weaknesses which are growing exponentially. It really feels like my body is dying from the extremities in--the tips of my fingers and the bottoms of my feet and much of my brain seem dead already. I don't even recognize myself. The first time Rachel and I went to MSTI we looked at the frail, pale skinned, bald patients and wondered what I was doing there. Now I fit right in.
I am so tired of my weaknesses, my huge limitations, my ineffectiveness as a mother, my powerlessness as a woman and homemaker. I realize probably a lot of these feelings are the drugs--maybe even all of them, but in my weakened state I feel more like rolling over and going comatose than like battling the demons.
Having my kids home with me isn't inspiring the happy togetherness I was unrealistically looking forward to. Surprisingly, like every other summer, the period of adjustment to summer is ripe with conflict and turmoil and increased disorganization and messiness. There's a lot of "he took my i-pod" and "I don't want her to swim with us" and "my friends think he's weird". None of it is really unexpected or different that other summers, but I feel so different, I thought that would rub off on my family.
So I'm going to dig deep here to think of some good things that happened this week. I loved the thunder, lightning and rain. Weather like that is spectacular, and rain in Boise--always good. I enjoyed working in my yard for a half hour here and there this week. To me nothing is more satisfying and therapeutic than yard work. I had a lovely nap with Tadman this week, and that almost never happens any more. I enjoyed the Saturday morning breakfast for Janet Caufield's birthday. It was good to see Julie Brann before she left and to be with friends on a Saturday morning. It was fun to see Kate playing with her friend Andrew Hill before he moves to Virginia. They had such a good time together and played so contentedly. It was good to have Rachel come home from Legacy yesterday afternoon and suggest that she and I go to dinner and a movie together. We had Thai food at the Pad Thai House, the best Thai food in Boise, had dip cones at Fanci Freeze, the best dip cones in Boise, and then went to "The Soloist" at the Flicks, almost certainly not the best movie playing in Boise, but Rachel's company is always a treat.
Please know that I continue to be grateful for the physical, emotional, moral, and spiritual support I get from family and friends on a daily basis. If I seem less appreciative, please remember I am not myself, hopefully not even close to myself, and that I hope the aliens return me to my body someday. Or maybe they have my body--I'm not sure how that works.

Another Treatment Day Down and Wrapping up the School Year--a Little Early

2009-06-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry the blog posts seem to be fewer and farther between as treatment progresses. I am a little less motivated in all things now--except taking a steady supply of toxins and drugs designed to cure cancer by killing all the fast growing and allegedly nonessential cells in my body.
The good news is another treatment day is in the books. Karen Davis was kind enough to keep me company and supply moral support and great conversation this week, while Annette Hurst wrangled Tadman for several hours and let him have the job of watering her lovely plants.
When Karen and I arrived at MSTI, I was thrilled to see the puzzle still out Justine and I had started the previous week. Apparently everyone else who goes there has the same experience I do. Every time you get started on those puzzles they call you in for the next part of your appointment. They're just far too efficient for good puzzle building at that place. Although Karen and I didn't place many pieces this week, we did find the important key pieces we were looking for for the most part.
Everything went smoothly and according to schedule as usual. My port was accessed with ease, my blood counts were good, the nurse practitioner saw me in place of Dr. Montgomery, on a graduation trip with his son, she gave me a good exam and recommendations for supplements to help with the nerve damage being done to my feet and hands, and then infusion was quick and painless. Karen participated in all the action, asked questions, kept the time flying with interesting topics, and it was over. At the end I met with the genetic counselor who gave me a quick run-down on genetic testing, reasons for it, possible outcomes, benefits, and costs. I have decided to do the testing if my insurance company will pay for a good portion of the test, and maybe even if it doesn't, since I think the test will give me valuable information I can use to determine the extent of surgery I should undertake and the possible increased precautions my children should take in the future as they do testing and start families and that sort of thing.
So treatment was delightful as always, and after Karen took me to Berryhill and Company and we had the tastiest lunch in the most beautiful setting with ideal weather and excellent food. I highly recommend that restaurant for lunch. They have a superb patio for outdoor dining.
Treatment days always seem to end up being super busy in the afternoon the past few weeks. After Karen dropped me home I remembered I needed to pick up Tadman. As I mentioned earlier I found him happily watering plants in Annette's garden and riding on "his" bike in her back yard. I got to see Annette's house, which is beautiful and happy, for the first time, and got a content toddler back.
When I got him back I decided to take him with me on a few errands, primarily the banking type, then remembered I had to get home to take Parker to the doctor's office for a group session. Tadman had fallen asleep in the car in the meantime, so I sat with him while he slept so Parker could do his group. Fortunately it was a breezy day, so with the windows open the car stayed cool.
In the meantime, Hunter called to say he was doing a little job holding one of those street corner signs and needed to be picked up, so immediately after Parker's appointment we headed to pick Hunter up. There was more waiting in the car while he finished up. Then he wanted to go to Joe's sporting goods to see some football cleats, but when we got there it was already closed for good. I picked my starving kids up a burger snack on the way home, Hunter was off to hang with his friends, and the other kids enjoyed joining Kate and Rachel in the swimming pool. I even got a little yard work in before we all had dinner and crashed for the evening. And at last another treatment day was in the books for good.
Today I enjoyed sending Kate off to school for "purple" day with her purple shirt and purple eye shadow and a happy smile before heading to Lowell Scott to see Parker get a well deserved award from Mrs. Evans as the most improved student in her class. He seemed so happy to get the award and so optimistic, maybe the happiest I've seen him all school year. He was only worried about serving his last half day of suspension tomorrow because yearbooks are being handed out that day and the day will be devoted to signing those yearbooks. So, foolishly, I decided to see if I could speak with Mrs. Bernal and see if I could take Parker home for the rest of the school day to serve that half day of suspension so he could come for the yearbook day and last day of the year. I went to the office to seek her out, but was told if I wanted to talk to her I'd have to go talk with her in the lunch room. I approached her with a handshake and introduction to which she responded, "I know who you are." Off to a bad start already. I asked her about the possibility of taking Parker home for the rest of the day so he could attend tomorrow and she said "Absolutely not." She explained that she'd reviewed her records and felt like she'd been very lenient on Parker already and she was absolutely not flexible with the suspension in any way at this point. This was all a surprise to me since in an earlier conversation she had told me she had no preference of days the suspension was served. But everyone has a right to change their mind. I am continually flabbergasted by the way she has handled this situation, simultaneously saying she understands Parker's offense was unintentional, that he's a good kid, and yet at the same time emphasizing this punishment as much as she possibly can, talking to me harshly and inflexibly, and just being generally unpleasant and difficult. It's the natural punctuation mark to a very difficult year, but since he's not going tomorrow it's now officially over. And Mrs. Bernal has very graciously offered to give me Parker's yearbook on Thursday or any day in the two week window following Thursday, so he'll have a lot of fun with it then when his few friends are scattered for the summer. Give us a few weeks and maybe we'll have figured out what Parker was supposed to learn from this unpleasant end of year experience. I must say I have a whole new appreciation for Mr. Jochum, the former principal. He was extremely on top of things, level headed, and easy to deal with. Every issue I discussed with him was well handled and efficiently dealt with.
Other than that unpleasantness and the fact that Rachel's come down with a cold and ear infection for her last few days of school, everyone else seems to be pretty happy with the end of the school year wrap-up. I am mostly looking forward to having them home for the summer, but feel like I need to offer them more structure and more jobs than a regular summer so we can stay on top of the chaos of leisure time. That's the plan anyway.
Thanks again for helping our family keep on top of a busy life by helping us with meals and cleaning and other needs. Laurie, the roses are beautiful and inspiring. Karen and Annette, treatment day was a pleasure because of your help. And to Mrs. Bernal, thanks for humbling and challenging us and helping us grow by keeping us scratching our heads.

Flowers, Another Treatment Day, and A Suspension, Ugh!

2009-05-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday, and this whole week is wacky and thrown off because my treatment day was Tuesday this week due to the Memorial Day holiday. By the way, I shopped for pots almost all morning Memorial Day, finally found some at Lowe's, of all places, after I'd been to all my more promising stores which had nothing, and then spent the rest of the day planting flowers while my kids swam and partied. I love days like that. Working in the yard while my kids are either working along side me or playing in the pool is about my favorite kind of family activity. Rachel stayed home and helped me plant while the rest of the family went to a picnic. I was sorry to miss the party, but I was glad to get those flowers in the pots so they didn't die. I finished up the whole job late last night after dinner and getting the little kids to bed. I do have more containers to fill, so if I get another burst of energy I might do more.
Back to treatment day, Justine took me this week while Mindy and her boys took care of Tadman. He likes going there because there are three boys to play with! Justine and I got to start a new puzzle straight out of the box, so we had lots of action turning all the pieces over and separating out the edge pieces and all that. Yes! I always wish there was more time for the puzzles--much more entertaining than magazines or television.
Since it was Tuesday, there were a lot of unfamiliar faces, both nurses, patients, and volunteers, but all were just as nice as my regulars. A nurse I'd never met before did my blood draw, and she had no problem at all--first try again! Justine joined me in the exam room for my doctor's appointment, and let me tell you, she had a very positive effect on Dr. Montgomery. He was positively charming. He offered conversation, encouragement, listened to my heart and had my lie down and examined my stomach. That's positively thorough for him. My nurse Cathy was gone, sadly at a patient's funeral, but the replacement nurse was very kind and complimentary.
Then, back to the waiting room for a little more puzzle time, then all too soon called into the chemo room for the infusion. I was treated by the head nurse of the unit, and she told Justine and I the delightful story about two hummingbird eggs laid in a nest in her yard. She is spraying the squirrels with water bottles to protect the tiny eggs. In a few weeks she'll have baby humming birds in her yard. Can you imagine how small baby humming birds will be?
The infusion went smoothly and quickly and Justine was kind enough to ask a cute girl who comes for treatment where she got her cap (Target). I must get one before my hair grows back. My treatment nurse recommended Zen Bento for lunch, so Justine and I went there and enjoyed some great stir fry with tender barbecued meat and brown rice or noodles. Delicious!
After picking Tadman up an returning to my house, my front door was wide open. Justine came in with me in case any intruders needed to be beat up, but I guess it was just an oversight, because nothing was gone and no one was in the house. Thank you Justine and Mindy for the treatment day help. I must have Justine go again. She brings out the best in my doctor!
Now for the bad news, while I was at treatment, Parker was in trouble at school. Here's the story as I've pieced it together from Parker's account that of Ms. Bernal, the 6th grade assistant principal. After break on Tuesday, Parker got to his locker to get his books for his next class only to find his locker had been broken into and vandalized. Books were torn, papers were scattered over the hall and something had been jammed into the locker to make it difficult to reopen. Parker saw Ms. Bernal in the hallway and asked for assistance getting his locker open and his possessions gathered. She helped him clean up, got things back in his locker and sent him off to class. At this point Parker told Ms. Bernal that he sometimes preset his locker combination so his locker would easily open when he came back between classes. He has a hard time getting a locker open, getting the materials he needs and getting back to class on time. So Parker went to class, and Ms. Bernal discovered from others students nearby who had vandalized the locker. When the student who trespassed and vandalized Parker's locker was brought to her office to be disciplined, he offered up some information to get a little of the heat deflected away from himself. He told Ms. Bernal that when he was going through Parker's locker and vandalizing it he had come across a knife. At that point Ms. Bernal let herself back into Parker's locker, had another look through his possessions and found at the very back of the locker under a bunch of books and papers, a small Swiss army pocket knife. She called Parker immediately to her office. He admitted it was his, although said he had no idea it was in his locker and had forgotten it was there. He hadn't showed it to anyone, talked to anyone about it, or anything like that. It was literally just thrown in the back of the locker. She told Parker that was an offense punishable by expulsion, but under the circumstances she would show leniency and suspend him for three days instead, including the last day of school. Poor Parker was devastated. He really had no idea the knife was in his locker and then he was blindsided by the punishment. Ms. Bernal wouldn't tell me what the punishment was for trespassing, vandalizing, and bullying (this same kid has done this to Parker's locker a half dozen times this year, as well as slamming his locker shut often right after Parker has opened it between classes) but assured me his punishment would be severe. Parker heard that he got one day of in-school suspension. Okay, so I understand the knife thing, because it's a district rule that is set in stone apparently that any knife at school is punishable by suspension or expulsion regardless of the circumstances, but it seems a little crazy to me that this bullying and criminal behavior is a less severe crime when the intent is to do evil in the one circumstance, and the other (Parker's crime) is just a crime of disorganization or negligence with no intent to harm or harass another student. Parker has just been bullied to death this year, called names, had chewed gum stuck in his hair, etc. etc. I can't wait to get him out of that school!
The good news is I get him home with me for a couple of days. The bad news is this is one more bad memory Parker has to punctuate a long, hard sixth grade year. I have done everything I can think of to find him an advocate at the school, talked to teachers, counselors, he's tried to get help from teachers overseeing the hallways, and nothing's worked. We're both exhausted by it. Thank goodness the year is almost over. Now one day closer to being over for Parker.
Today Parker watched Tadman for me while I went to water aerobics. I really love the class. It is an adequate workout, but relaxing and gentle on the body, and it feels more like play than a hardcore workout since it's kind of like playing in the water. Plus water is just inherently relaxing. But then a couple hours later I'm just exhausted. It's strange considering how good I feel right after I finish the class.
My sister and my dutifully came and made beds and dropped off laundry today. Tadman got an extra treat when he got to go to Walmart with them in my sister's yellow truck. He was more than excited.
I crashed in the afternoon, but somehow all the kids got to their evening activities and the little kids survived. I attempt to get Tadman to nap with me but he's impossible to get to sleep during the day anymore, but then crashes at dinnertime. Tonight he fell asleep in the tacos Kathleen Anderson provided us for dinner. But I'm not ready to give up on those afternoon naps quite yet.
In conclusion tonight I need to remember my blessings. I've really been obsessing over Parker's suspension and I'd like to try to let that go and move on to more positive thoughts. I am thankful for the beautiful weather of the past few days. It's all of a sudden summer with the long days, warmer evenings, and beautiful bright night sky. I'm thankful, of course, for the variety and color and scents of flowers and the relaxation and satisfaction I get from planting and nurturing them. I am thankful for the patience and stamina of all my helpers, many of whom have brought 2 or 3 meals now, many of whom come multiple times a week to do things for me. I'm thankful for my kids who challenge, love, and entertain me and add variety and interest to my life and make me forget I have cancer. I'm thankful for Greg who keeps plugging away at work, somehow continues to provide, and picks up a lot of extra chores he's not excited about. I'm thankful for the strength and stamina and endurance my body has in spite of this cancer treatment. It somehow keeps responding and regrouping even though I get poison pumped into it each week. With the exception of the feet which are pretty messed up. Notice I have ten treatments under my belt. Only 2 more Adria treatments and then on to Taxol!

The Real Me During Cancer Treatment

2009-05-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

I have a yearly tradition, usually it falls on Memorial Day weekend, to buy flowers for all my pots, plant them, and put them tastefully throughout my yard for that little burst of color. Then Greg and I are slaves to the pots for the rest of the summer because they have to be watered every day. The funny thing is how consistent this experience is from year to year. Almost every year I go to Home Depot for the flowers. I have the perception that they are cheaper there--I've never really checked around much to see if my perception is reality. Usually someone comes with me on the flower selection day--this year it was Rachel, Parker, and Kate--and every year the person or people who come with me get burned out before I'm done and end up going home, and then Greg comes and picks me up when the flower selection process is complete. Rachel drove the other kids home this year, and again Greg had to come get me later. Then, I never have enough time to plant all the flowers in one sitting, so the flower planting always ends up taking several days. There are lots of things I hate about this tradition, and yet the tradition continues. Every year I think, "Next year I'll just go by myself so I won't have to worry about my kids getting bored," or "Next year I'll buy fewer plants so I can plant them all at once," but somehow it never happens. It's tradition. Saturday was the day I did the plant shopping. I loved it, but it did take almost all day, and so far two pots have been planted and all the other flowers are patiently waiting.
So it was Sunday today and I went to church as I always do on Sunday, but I had some thoughts that came to me that I wanted to share on my blog today. I think every one's getting the wrong idea about me. People seem to have the impression that I'm strong and positive and heroic. I want to be more honest with you so you get the real picture of what I'm like. I do have some good days, some positive days, but I am mostly at the mercy of all the drugs I'm taking to combat cancer. The steroid I get with my infusion particularly takes me on a ride emotionally. I feel optimistic on treatment day and the day or 2 after, but when the steroid goes away, the optimism goes with it. On Thursdays and Fridays my mood alters drastically and those days I feel old, tired, and worthless. On those days in my mind it doesn't matter if cancer treatment works because I have so little to offer my family, my friends, or the world anyway. I cry a lot. I see life happening around me but feel very detached and separate from it. I am distant from my husband and disconnected from my kids on the down days. This feeling comes like clockwork every week, and deepens as I get further into the treatment schedule.
The side effects aren't only emotional. Besides losing my hair, which was way more traumatic than I ever thought it would be, I have mouth sores, indigestion, extreme heartburn and excess stomach acid, extremely hard bowel movements which result in a very sore bottom, a burning sensation in my hands and feet, and big sheets of skin peeling off of the bottoms of my feet. This is in addition to a strong aversion to food most days and difficulty swallowing and drinking.
All that said, hearing about other people's struggles during treatment and their more extreme reactions, I know I am very fortunate to feel as good and as strong as I do. But if there is someone else who is doing cancer treatment reading my blog, I wanted you to know I am not stronger than you are, or more optimistic. Cancer treatment is bleak. It's lonely. Get and MRI or a Pet Scan and you realize right away, you can bring a loved one with you to the appointment, but you have to leave them in the waiting room and do the test alone. To me those tests were symbolic of the entire treatment. Friends and family do all they can to help, but when it comes down to it you are alone. All you have is your own strength, your own stamina, your own will, and your own faith.
Being in the midst of treatment I don't know all the lessons I still have to learn, but here are some ways I've changed so far. Cancer has made me humble. I realize I am small and weak and insignificant in so many ways. Cancer has opened my eyes to the struggles and sorrows of the world around me. I honestly didn't recognize how many people suffered from illness and poverty and countless other afflictions until I stepped into their company. Now I will never be back where I was before even if I make a complete recovery. Cancer has made me realize how necessary the Savior is in our lives. We can't do it without Him even if we're having such a great life we don't recognize our need. It says in the scriptures that at some point every knee will bend and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Savior, and having cancer has made my knee bend like never before.
I wanted everyone to know I am not special or heroic. I talked to Joetta Stott at church today and heard that her daughter-in-law had a severe reaction to her first chemotherapy infusion and had to be hospitalized. She didn't do anything different than I did, but every person undergoing chemotherapy is at the mercy of the treatment. We just get what we get and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other until the course we've been prescribed is over. I hope that first treatment is the biggest bump in the road for her.
I appreciate the support all of you offer to me, and I am sorry if I am less responsive and creative in expressing my appreciation than I used to be. I don't mean to imply from what I've said above that your help is pointless. I love having a friend at treatment and going to lunch means less time thinking about and preparing food, which is a big help. Dinners and house cleaning takes a burden off me and gives my family a sense of routine and normalcy. Notes of encouragement and comments on my blog help me realize I am not alone and that my friends haven't grown tired of the whole ordeal. Earrings from Bethany are just a very happy and unexpected surprise! Clean and folded laundry several times a week makes living at home like living in a fine hotel! I am very grateful to my personal network of family and friends offering an endless outpouring of support. Although I am alone in treatment, I am not alone in daily life. Please know I acknowledge and appreciate everything each of you do.

Where Did the Week Go?

2009-05-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

Where did the week go? I meant to post Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and am finally getting around to it on Thursday. It's May, you know, and there are so many "end of year" or "end of season" things going on. That's my excuse for not writing, and I'm stickin' with it.

So way, way back on Monday was treatment day as usual. Vicki Worthen was kind enough to drive me, and we were nearly on time even though the appointment was extra early. As an added bonus Vicki was able to visit Jami Griffith, who she visit teaches, over at St. Luke's while I was doing the boring stuff like getting my blood drawn. Jami has been there with an infection that's caused her to have a lot of seizures, but Vicki found her doing well when she visited.

My port was accessed on the first try again--that's becoming a total non-issue, obviously--and I was able to get right back out to my puzzle pieces. The worst part is being pulled back to see the doctor and having to wait for him in the examining room when I could be waiting happily in the big waiting room with the light, and windows, and people and puzzles. I don't like waiting in the little dark room with the three never changing magazines. But wait I did, and then the doctor came and did his minimalist routine of a grunted greeting, laptop scrutinizing, stethoscope listening, and the see you next week, but he did give me one interesting piece of information. I found out that he had ordered a reduction in the amount of chemo I received last week (which explains why my stomach felt better) and I found out that he planned on slightly increasing the dosage this week because my symptoms were better. I'm feeling that silly little extra 4 milligrams this week. My hands and feet are irritated again and my stomach is much more upset--just 4 little milligrams!

I found Vicki waiting for me when I was done, and we were soon settled in the infusion room receiving the poison that's making me better. We talked book club books and chatted with my little volunteer who gets the bagels and warm blankets. We found out more about his interesting past as an English teacher at Capital High, as a Russian language expert in the service, and about some of his favorite authors and books. (I'll have to have Vicki remind me what they were because she was smart enough to write them down.) Otherwise the infusion went just as usual, and Vicki and I were able to pick up new meds at the pharmacy and get to lunch with great efficiency.

We went to Moon's again since it was so good when I went with Karla, and this time we got the best table in place right in the bay window. Just as I was telling Vicki how much Boise had changed since I was a kid, we glanced out the window and saw a vivid illustration. A guy had just stepped off the bus with a cut-off t-shirt and some extremely low riding shorts, revealing a large mid-section to me and a good portion of bottom to Vicki as he passed. I think she got the worst of it! Thank you to Vicki for being my companion and thanks to Cindy Whiting for taking excellent care of Tadman while I was away.

Tuesday was a good example of how crazy May can get. Kate had a field trip to the YMCA, I had to leave it early to pick up Parker for a doctor's appointment that started at 3:00, I got home just in time to pick up a vegetable tray for Kate's soccer party at 6:00, which we had to leave early so we could get to Rachel's orchestra concert at 7:00, then leave it as soon as Rachel's chamber orchestra had played in order to get to Hunter's big important semi-final AAU basketball game. (His team pulled out a 3-point victory.) Then we went home for a little dinner, homework, practicing, and bed. In addition to all this activity Rachel, poor girl, has all her end of the year projects and tests to work on and study for.

After such a busy Tuesday I had a hard time getting out of bed at all on Wednesday. I had to get up eventually when my sister and mom came to put away laundry. Taddy, I'm sure, was glad to have a little variety to his morning. After shaking off the cobwebs I had to at last get my stinkin' bills paid (I'd been attempting to pay them for several days but been distracted). Now that I have a 4-inch stack of statements from my insurance company and another 4-inch stack of bills from Saint Luke's, paying the bills is a much longer process than it used to be. Seriously, it took until the evening to finish up. Thank goodness they are safely sealed and sent today.

There were some other things Wednesday--grocery shopping and a football spaghetti feed--and another late night.

I'm finally getting a chance to catch my breath long enough to write a few things down today. I'm sure I would have spent today in bed if Karla hadn't rousted me out and encouraged me to go to book club. We walked so I even got a little movement in and she was kind enough to eat with me so I wouldn't have to think of something to eat. Eating out is always easier for me.

Thanks to all my family and friends for hanging in there with me. This is going to be a long treatment and you all will have put a lot of service in, made a lot of meals, and done a lot of laundry before it's over--and that's just the chemo! You'll have had it with me by the time I'm doing surgery and radiation! I hope each of you know how sincerely I appreciate your help. Right now about one day every week is very hard and stressful at our house. Without all the help our family is accepting that stress would fill 2 or 3 days of each week. I hope you know how much of a difference you're making in my life. Each little act of kindness pushes me that much closer to the finish line!

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. How's That For a Catchy Title?

2009-05-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

Sadly there is so very little to tell about what's been going on since I last wrote on Monday. Once again, I have a hard time even remembering what I do from one day to the next and have lost track of dates and days of the week completely. Maybe if I just start writing I'll remember something again.
My friend Deleice came over Tuesday morning to get me on my bike and moving. It was windy and kind of cool, but the nice thing is--if some one's there to get you out of your house you'll go even if conditions are less than perfect. Tadman came along in the bike trailer. I have a little 5 mile circuit I've been riding, and yes, I know 5 miles is pathetic, but it's a challenge right now. Tadman enjoys all the scenery along the way such as the ducks, the lawnmowers, and of course, the trucks.
After the bike ride I got really ambitious and went to Municipal Park to meet Kate's class for lunch (they'd been on a field trip to the MK Nature Center). It was fun to see Cindy and Bill Whiting and Sam there waiting for James, and Cindy was nice enough to take a few photos of Tadman playing. Kate was excited to have us there and got to play with Tadman a little after she ate, but we didn't have long to spend with her until she was back on the bus. Municipal Park is in my part of Boise, where I grew up and went to school and church, so I always enjoy spending time in that part of town. In fact, I've done a few end of school year field trips of my own in that very same park.
I'm sorry, but that's all I can remember about Tuesday except for a very good dinner. Actually after checking my calender I see I went to a football boosters meeting. How could I forget? Although there's much to talk about and plan for, all those meetings do is make me sad it's not football season yet. I am really looking forward to seeing Hunter play again at the end of the summer. Prepare for total domination on the line of scrimmage!
More fun on Wednesday--I had an interview with the Pathways people, Greg, and Parker at Lowell Scott. I was late, of course, but I think the interview went well, with Parker still very excited about going there and me still a little skeptical. As soon as we find out if he's been accepted to Pathways we will sit down and do a pro and con list between Pathways and Christine Donnell. I am excited Parker will be somewhere other than Lowell Scott next fall.
I am so appreciative of my mom and Heather who came to pick up laundry and drop off clean clothes again on Wednesday. I know this treatment is beginning to drag on, and thank goodness my helpers all seem to be in it for the duration, because I need the help more now than I did at the beginning, and I'm sure I'll need it more and more the further we get into it. And as I've mentioned before, Tadman really looks forward to them coming. He's really starting to get tired of me.
I also had a visit from my faithful visiting teachers on Wednesday. Mindy and Brenda came and gave me a great message about hope and enduring and not questioning God but asking Him what He wants you to learn from the challenges you have--a good message for me.
As always Wednesday after school was a crazy mess. Parker had a doctor's appointment, Rachel orchestra, Hunter young mens, and Parker scouts--just a typical Wednesday evening.
This morning Deleice was back again to get my rear end out of bed. Today I definitely wouldn't have gotten up if she didn't come for me. Thank you, Deleice, for making me get up and do something. We did the same loop, but today it was a little warmer, and the wind was at our backs on the way out and in our faces on the way back, and that made it a little more challenging. After the ride I took Tadman on a walk around the block. He was insistent on going in his stroller. I am sad I'm not supposed to do much walking, because it's a whole different experience than bike riding. I enjoy being able to look more closely at smaller details in landscaping, like Mindy's sublime tulips and another neighbor's white flowering vines. I don't see all that stuff when I'm biking.
I took Tadman to lunch at Cobby's because I couldn't face the idea of food preparation, and then for the rest of the afternoon I wrestled with him to try to get him to lie down and take a nap with me. He's definitely had enough of the "mom in bed." He'd like to get outside and ride his bike and play with his brothers and sisters. But I would not be denied and I finally got a nap out of him. The rest of the day I had very little success in rousing myself out of bed. To tell you the truth I'm just not on top of things any more. I don't know if the kids are getting their homework done or if deadlines are being met. I don't know all the details I'm forgetting. I just hope I'm not as integral to their well being and success as I imagine myself to be. Hopefully they're getting all their needs met without me.
Thank you to all of you who brought food this week, to Deleice for the exercise, to Heather and my mom, and to those who commented on my blog. It was nice to hear from you, John, and I would have e-mailed to you if you'd left me your e-mail address. That is very bad news that you won't be renewing your BSU tickets, and yes, you would think you'd get some sort of a deal because you know people. I think you ought to reconsider. I can't imagine living in Boise during football season without Bronco football! I am still trying to figure out how I'm going to fit surgery in in September and not miss a game. It keeps me going! Thank you to my super sweet niece-in-law (?), Bethany, for sending me a package with earrings of her own design. I was so excited to receive it.
I apologize for my lack of wit and personality in writing. I hope to get it back some day when I finish this mind numbing treatment.

A Good Morning--A Bad Evening (Sorry to Not Be Positive)

2009-05-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Annette, for picking me up bright and early this morning, dropping Tadman at Carrie's house (you go girl, offering to take Tadman even though you have no little ones at home!), and escorting me to treatment. Again they were super efficient at MSTI, calling me in for blood work when I had just sat down to contemplate the wonders of a new puzzle. Annette pondered for me while I went to have my port accessed, on the first poke again. I don't want to get overconfident, but I think the days of 13 attempts to access the port are a thing of the past. That's something to be grateful for!
Of course as soon as I rejoined Annette at the puzzle they were coldheartedly calling me in to see Dr. Montgomery--always an interesting experience, but I usually end up waiting a long time in the little patient room when I could be out in the lobby enjoying the company of my friend, Annette, and doing a puzzle. When Dr. Montgomery did arrive he had interesting news. Unbeknowst to me he lessened the dosage of my last infusion due to some lingering side effects from the week before. I didn't even know, but wish I had because it may have given me the mental lift I needed to drag myself out of bed a little more often last week. He decided to keep the dose smaller today, too, hoping for a turn around on all the remaining side effects. He gets a thrill out of the chemistry of chemotherapy and searching for that secret balance of intensity and side effects. It's just his bag, baby. So no mouth, foot, or hand sores this morning, but since I was more fatigued and down and out last week, Dr. Montgomery's final decision was to keep the dosage lower. He also prescribed more Neupogen shots, and bummer, because those are the deadly expensive ones. There's that Mother's Day gift I was hoping for.
After Dr. Montgomery comes infusion, and this time Annette had to leave the puzzle to so she could go with me. Even with steroids, 3 nausea meds, and all that saline, oh, and the chemo, the infusion took no time at all. Once again it was just enough time to have a little juice and a bagel, cozy up in a heated blanket, have a little witty conversation with Annette, the nurse, and other patients and companions, and say goodbye till next week.
Over at the Saint Luke's Pharmacy we waited almost as long for my prescription as for the entire treatment at MSTI, but I needed to get those $300.00 shots (that's EACH shot) so I was happy to wait. With shots in bag, Annette whisked me off to lunch at one of her husband Bob's favorite lunch places, Pat's Thai Kitchen, right by the Ram Pub, off Broadway. I was excited, because I love Thai food, and just minutes after arriving I was enjoying my beef pad thai and Annette her stir-fried vegetables with chicken. The food was good, and service and preparation very efficient.
After picking up a happy little Tadman, Annette dropped me home, just in time for me to join Becky to think of a delightful little something to give Lyuba Ceperich for her birthday. We went to Fred Meyer and settled on planting an Early Girl tomato plant and a few herbs in a durable, lightweight and cute little pot. We hope Lyuba and her family will be enjoying some juicy delicious tomatoes in a few months time.
The rest of the day remained hectic with fillings for Parker at the dentist and a major grocery shop with Hunter after that. Kate was happily playing at Ellie's house all this time, while Rachel was home with the little Energizer bunny.
The day, although busy, was going pretty good up to this point, but in the later evening when dinner (as provided by the young women tonight, thanks!) was being served, homework done, and the kitchen cleaned, the meltdown began. I won't go into nasty details, but there was a lot of frustration, a lot of angst and anger, and a lot of negative thinking filling the house. Seems our house is falling apart, the kids are lazy, prayers are going unanswered, and doom is imminent. A little bit different than the picture I've been painting. I resisted the gloom well at first, but I get tired sometimes, and when I'm tired I can start buying in to the negativity.
So once again, this time out of absolute necessity, I'm counting my blessings. First, I'm alive today, Greg has a job today, my children are fed and clothed today, I have insurance today, and transportation, and a place to rest, a place to be together with my family, a doctor with experience, the medicines I need to get better, and an army of friends and family stepping up to help. Today I have all those blessings, and I'm pretty sure I'll have them tomorrow. Today I live in a beautiful neighborhood alive with birds, ducks, squirrels, horses, chickens, and children. Today there are blossoms on the trees, the sky is blue, the air is fragrant and warm, and the grass is as green as it will be until next spring, whether the sprinkler system is working or not. I love my bed, my hand held Yahtzee game, my books, and Tadman's trucks. I have disposable diapers for my toddler, my trash got picked up today, and I have a washer and dryer, but I usually don't have to use them because my sister does my wash! Do you feel sorry for the poor pathetic Nettles family yet? I have made a personal vow to never give in to discouragement and self-pity. I do not believe that is pleasing to our Father. And I will put my trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding. Please, for my own sake, don't let me forget I said and thought that. You can slap me if you need to.

Racin' for the Cure, Proms, and Moms, All in the Same Weekend!

2009-05-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's a little disturbing when you can't remember things that happened only a few days ago, but I must admit every time I write this blog I need to look at my calendar to try to figure out what I did. I see from Friday's square that Kate had piano lessons before school, and now I can remember taking her. And remembering that reminds me that my mom and my sister came and picked up laundry on Friday, and that my mother-in-law came and picked up Tadman while they were at my house, and that while all of them were here Melissa McOmber stopped by with some lunch from project day (that was nice!) and then I remember that after they all left I went to project day and talked with Melinda and Karla and Jamie and had a lovely piece of angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream. Impressive to remember all of that just from having "piano lesson" on my calendar, huh?
My kids were busy and excited for the weekend and going all directions when I got home. Kate wanted to play with friends, Hunter was off to basketball practice, and Rachel and Parker and I went to Target to get a few beauty items in preparation for Rachel's prom date on Saturday. The end of the weeks and weekends are still the best for me treatment wise. I luckily had the energy to be shopping with Rachel in the evening even though I had been up since early in the morning taking Kate.
Then early Saturday I was up again to get ready for the Race for the Cure to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Rachel was off to a quartet competition, Hunter and Greg to basketball, Tadman with grandma still, and Kate, Parker and I to the race. My sister and her husband Kelly picked us up and efficiently dropped finished laundry off when they came. Also going to the race--my sister's 4 kids still at home, her married daughter with her husband, Dave, and grandma. When we got down to Park Center Boulevard, the race site, 15,000 other people were there ready to participate as well. My mom with my sister and some of the kids as companions did the one mile course, while my kids, Heather's husband, and Shannon and Dave did the 5 k course. It was quite a unique experience walking with so many people. At the start it was almost impossible to move, but after we'd passed the half-way point and were on the way back to the start the pace picked up considerably. What a great group was assembled to walk! There were people with pink kitty hats and false pink eyelashes, people with long pink tutus, pink mohawks, and lots and lots of people with tiaras. Many people brought kids in strollers and on scooters, cheerleaders cheered the walkers and runners, and boy scouts distributed water. It was an upbeat and festive environment to be sure.
Soon after the start I ran into my friends, the Noklebys, and their 5 children, and Parker and Kate and I were lucky enough to walk the rest of the way with them. Their kids were great. Their sons Beret and Carston both held my hands for a good part of the walk. Carston helped me start conversations with other participants by telling them I had cancer, and they kept me engaged and entertained so I completely forgot my chemo feet were hurting. Thank you, Beret and Carston, for taking such great care of me during that race! I was so proud of Kate for walking at a good pace for the whole course, even though she woke up extra early on a Saturday, and even though she knew she had a late afternoon soccer game.
Once the finish line was crossed there were all kinds of treats and give-aways. There were bagels, Popsicles, and milkshakes, scarves and bags, and grooming kits. And what a beautiful morning for the event!
Shannon and Dave were there waiting to show us around the promotion tents and take us home after the race. We even got the opportunity to see their honeymoon town home over in the Vista area. They have painted and decorated and it's a great first home for them to share together and I'm so happy they are so comfortably situated! Thank you, Shannon for getting us signed up for the race and encouraging us to participate. It was a really good experience and I know my kids will remember it, too. I really liked seeing all the families walking together for a mom or grandma with cancer. I so enjoyed it, and hope we will get a rain check on those Icebergs another day!
I missed Hunter's first basketball game for the race (he won!), but was able to make it to most of the second. After making it close for the first couple of quarters, they ended up pulling away and winning by double digits over Capital, so they will enter next Saturday's tournament undefeated and rolling and I will be excited to be there!
Kate and I had to leave a little before the end of Hunter's game to get to her soccer game. It seems Kate wasn't the only kid on her team who had and early morning and a busy day. Kate played goalie the first half and got shot on over and over again and got very little support from the other girls. They just weren't running at all, weren't getting any shots on goal, and were almost chatting more than playing throughout the game. Thank goodness for end of game snacks and tunnels. Sometimes they are the only things that make those soccer games worthwhile!
After soccer we had to hurry home to help Rachel finish dressing for prom, get Parker to a birthday party, and Hunter to a basketball party. So much for that Saturday night date I was looking forward to! Rachel had her makeup all done and looked stunning. I was able to sew a tiny rip in the seam of her dress and help her curl her hair, then wait with her while she wondered where her date could be. Luckily he did come eventually! They missed their dinner reservations, but Rachel is such an adaptable date she had just as much fun eating at Sonic afterwards. I will put pictures on the blog when they become available.
Greg and I settled for Thai food at home while our kids spent the evening partying.
Now I'm up-to-date because I made it to Sunday. That's today! Since it was Mother's Day Greg brought me a huge breakfast in bed. The kids like that tradition 'cause they end up with breakfast too. Kate presented me with a lovely ceramic tile she painted for me at school. Then at church I was treated to a lovely tribute from my daughter Rachel who spoke in sacrament meeting about what she'd learned from me. It was better than any gift she could have given me to hear how much she loves and admires me. The feeling is mutual--there's no one I'd rather have as my oldest daughter. She's intelligent, thoughtful, artistic, well versed, kind, charitable, and beautiful to name just a few of her attributes. Church started out great and stayed that way. I am enjoying it more than ever since my diagnosis. I think it's because I feel closer and more united with my church family than I ever have before, so now church is like a weekly family reunion--and that's a good thing because I like family reunions.
We topped off a great Sabbath by visiting both grandmas in their own homes. I feel so lucky we live so close so it's possible to see them both today. We are so grateful to them for raising us and continuing to love and support us as adults. You are never too old to need your mom!
In conclusion tonight, I am thankful for my incredibly full, rich life surrounded by a large family, lots of friends, a ward family, and a strong community. I'm grateful that people like me more than they used to, and ignore my faults because they are focused on meeting my needs. If cancer has helped my children see the value of what I have chosen to do with my life, it's worth it! If cancer has forever transformed me and truly made me love and appreciate those around me more completely and unconditionally, it's worth it! If it inspires my brother to call me, like it did last night, that's a pretty cool side effect. It will never be fun, but thanks to a remarkable support group, it may just be worth it!

It's Official. I'm a Chemo Zombie.

2009-05-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday night, and I'm hard pressed to remember a thing I have said, done, or thought since I last wrote on treatment day. It's a bad sign, and I'm afraid it's a sign of things to come. I may be in this fog for awhile, and I'm hoping my husband, my kids, my family, and my friends will forgive me and not forget that I used to be concerned, intelligent and fun.
I know Brenda Walton and I went bicycling on Tuesday. Tadman came along in the bike trailer and enjoyed the ride. We stayed dry except for the time Brenda rode through the sprinklers. Yes, exercise does help lift the fog a bit, although it usually makes me more tired several hours later, but I like the getting outside and the moving, AND the companionship. Right now one of the biggest challenges is feeling out of the loop and content to forget the world, yet isolated, yet too blah to do anything about it. I'm pretty sure I must have slept some of Tuesday, because other than the bike ride and the Joplin ice cream social I don't remember a thing.
My mom and Heather came Wednesday and I was still in bed, but I got up to help them put laundry away and tidy up my kids' rooms. You can imagine how excited Tadman was to see them. He's so tired of me sleeping he even bit me today to wake me up! He was thrilled to see the grandmas (he calls them both grandma) and their truck. As this treatment goes on the service my friends and family provide is becoming more and more important. I can tell you, if my sister and mom don't come, that laundry will not get done and those beds will not get made and then my kids' lives will just get more and more chaotic. It's invaluable to have them come. The meals are invaluable. Every single contact I have is becoming more and more precious to me.
I had to take Parker to a doctor's appointment after school on Wednesday and after dropping him home where Kate, Tadman, and Hunter were, I went to the free makeover class for cancer patients at the St. Alphonsus Cancer Care Center. I was the only attendee, and there were 4 ladies there to facilitate the class. It was an uncomfortable situation, and disappointing. Maybe I expect to much, but here are all these great volunteers, willing and anxious to help cancer patients, right, but none of them want to talk about cancer. It's all just small talk, chit chat, and now put the eyeliner on. Most of them are in this game because they had a mom, a sister, a friend with cancer, yet there seems to be some huge barrier, some vow of silence. It's weird. They didn't ask me one question about my lifestyle, my diagnosis, my kids, whether I worked or not, or anything else. The makeup colors were a little obscure, too. I now own a lovely shade of orangy red lipstick if anyone would like to try some.
Attending the class was probably a luxury I shouldn't have afforded, because I came home to Hunter asleep on the couch, Parker and Kate AWOL, and Tadman wandering around alone in the backyard with his pants off. Fortunately later I figured out everyone was in good hands with the possible exception of Tadman.
Today I woke up only to have lunch (except for when Tadman bit me). I went to Flatbread Pizza Company in honor of a sweet friend's birthday. It was a nice meal with a great salad. I can't say how much more I prefer going out to lunch than making my own now days. Anything I have to expose myself to long enough to make is disgusting to me by the time it's ready to eat.
All I need is a nanny and a personal chef and this thing will be doable, huh?
I was fortunate enough to have all my meals out today as this evening I had the completely new experience of going to the survivor's dinner for the Susan G. Komen walk this weekend. I went with my friend Tammee and her sister and mother, both breast cancer survivors. The cool thing about the dinner, or one of the cool things, is that it's free for survivors, and you're considered a survivor from the moment you're diagnosed. The dinner included a silent auction and a live auction and was a big affair. It was in the large room at the Boise Center on the Grove and it was packed--mostly with women. It was an emotional evening for me, mainly because several women came up to me--since I'm bald it's pretty obvious I'm in treatment--and hugged me and told me how many years they'd been survivors. They just came spontaneously, offered love and encouragement, and made me cry. It all of a sudden seems like everyone has cancer, knows someone with cancer, has had cancer, or some version of the above. There were so many young women survivors there I couldn't believe it. Although it's an evening of celebration, there were a lot of sad eyes in the crowd. It's a brutal disease!
On that note, it's a really good day to count some blessings. I am thankful for all my friends who so willingly keep the meals coming. You are making a huge difference, especially in my children's' lives, because I can save my precious energy to proof read papers and review homework assignments instead of cooking. I am thankful for my friend, Sarah, who showed up at my house last night with some beautiful lilacs in a Jack in the Box cup just to check on me--and she doesn't live even remotely close by! The lilacs make the house smell great, Sarah. I'm thankful for a comfortable bed and a warm, comfortable room, and for Sesame Street to keep Tadman momentarily entertained. I'm thankful I have such a good and resourceful little boy who entertains himself so well, and I am thankful for the guardian angel who watches over that boy when I'm not doing as well as I should. I am thankful that I'm not in pain, and I am able to rest when my body is tired. I am thankful that my doctors are optimistic that my cancer can be cured and I can live to see future weddings, graduations, and grandchildren. I am so thankful for my husband's work and our insurance so I am able to receive treatment. I am thankful to live in Boise which looked beautiful downtown tonight with a clear sky and a full moon and the train depot on the bench to the south as we were leaving the Komen dinner. I am thankful for all the times I'm changing diapers, watching sports, reading books to kids, and all the things that make me feel like a mom and not a cancer patient. Thank you to all of you who make contact with me often and for one more moment keep me from being a chemo zombie.

To Borrow A Line From the Bangles, Just Another Manic Treatment Day.

2009-05-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

Tammee was at my house bright and early for treatment day. When she got here Tadman and I were almost ready to go, but Kate was having a before school meltdown because dad, instead of mom, was helping her get ready for school, and let's face it, dad isn't always as patient as mom. But I put her in Greg's car screaming, Tammee loaded Tadman in her car, and we were off to Vicki Worthen's house where Tadman was staying. He, unlike Kate, was happy to be away from mom. He was excited to stay with Vicki.
Once at MSTI it was another one stick and port access achieved. That's status quo now. But they were so fast cuing me from blood draw into the doctor I barely had time to work on the puzzle. They should definitely schedule puzzle building as part of the appointment, otherwise I don't even have a chance.
Puzzle building is much more fun than meeting with my doctor who barely even talks to me. He scrolled his computer screen, talked on the phone about another patient, said "Alright, I'll see you next week," and was gone. He didn't even listen to my heart with his stethoscope this week. Usually at least he does that. Then Cathy his nurse came in and asked if we were a go for treatment this week and I said, "He didn't say, but I think so," and she checked my blood counts and said they looked good and said she assumed we were doing treatment. Yeah, he loves me.
Not 2 minutes after leaving the doctor's appointment I was called in for infusion, so it was optimistically a 5 puzzle piece day. But the people in infusion made up in kindness what Dr. Montgomery lacked today. I had Tammee, the nurse, and the gentleman volunteer to talk to, I had a bagel and a cranberry juice, a warm blanket, and lots of anti-nausea medications to comfort me. The whole process was over in the blink of an eye and Tammee and I were off (without the warm blanket, unfortunately). We picked up a few new and refilled prescriptions and went to lunch at the Brick Oven Bistro. Great lunch place! I had an open faced turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes, stuffing, and corn gravy. Definitely comfort food. Thank you Tammee for the lovely company and satisfying lunch, and thank you, Vicki, for keeping Tadman engaged and happy while I was away. He seemed very content wandering around the yard with you when we picked him up.
After Tadman rode his bike around the yard at home for a few minutes, we left to take Hunter to the orthodontist to get his retainer adjusted. It's been some time that it's needed it, so one of his teeth had shifted a bit, but Dr. Matunas believes it the tooth can be readjusted if he gets back to wearing the retainer regularly. Tadman contented himself playing with the "hucks" in Dr. Matunas' waiting room, and he was very reluctant to leave them when it was time to go. There definitely was a little separation anxiety and some tearful goodbyes.
After a little lunch for Hunt and Tad at Wendy's, we picked Kate up from school and headed home, but saw Ellie Phillips walking with her hands full, so picked her up and dropped her at her new house, which Becky was kind enough to give us a tour of while we were there. Her new house is beautiful, with a nicely remodeled kitchen and plantation blinds in her master. She has made an incredible amount of progress getting things moved in--with not a lick of help from me, I might add. She even has several pictures up on the walls. Wait to go, Becky!
Later in the evening Rachel and Kate and I were lucky enough to have Ellie's companionship again, this time at the spring show of Sweet Liberty dance team. I had never been before, and since we know several girls on the team and since they have had such incredible success in competitions this year, and since the director is a teacher of Parker's and a friend of mine, there were lots of reasons to go. Evening activities are always a sacrifice of course, because you're wasting valuable homework and practice time while you're away, but every once in a while you have to shake things up, right? And it was impressive show. As I told Rachel, if the football team worked half as hard as Sweet Liberty, they'd be state champions every year.
Thank you, Greg, for getting dinner together while we were out having fun. We got home, ate Greg's dinner, finished the homework, and sent the children to bed. Oh, what a long day!
A quick blessing count to end my blog tonight, because I need it. I'm thankful for the spring weather we've had. It's full of variety and energy, the air smells great, and it's producing some unusually bright flowers this spring. I'm thankful for Tadman and his excitement in all he does. He definitely loves trucks and riding his bike intensely! I'm thankful for Kate, Parker, Hunter, and Rachel, who like the spring weather, add energy and variety to life. I'm so thankful my husband has a job and is willing to work, because we have lots of medical bills that demand our money and attention. And of course, I'm thankful for my friends for themselves, and for all the kindness and help they are offering me. THANK YOU!

Chocolate Fountains, and Togas, and Football, Oh My!

2009-05-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

Since Tadman has changed sleeping patterns and now goes to bed at 2 a.m., wakes up at 7:00 when the sun rises, then plays himself into exhaustion and falls asleep on the floor at about 5 p.m., then wakes up at about 8:30 and eats dinner by himself until it's time to go to bed again at 2 a.m., it's more convenient to get to water aerobics now. (He used to like to sleep in until it had already started.) I went again on Friday--yes, that's twice in a row--and there was a substitute instructor who was just as fun as the regular instructor, but just let me blend into the other students instead of introducing me! Sometimes anonymity can be nice.
When I came out to the parking lot to drive home I had a super flat tire on the rear driver's side tire of my van. I called Greg but he was with a client (it's always a mystery his store is slow when every time I call him he's with "a client"), so luckily my mom and sister were still at the Y for the water aerobics class and they gave me some quarters for the air machine at the gas station and made sure I got there o.k. My van is just slowly falling apart, but thankfully it still starts whenever I need it even though it's dented and the windshield wiper fluid won't spray and the running board is bent and now the tire's flat, but it still starts! Whether it's quarters or laundry services I need, my mom and sister are still coming through for me.
In the afternoon I made my way to project day at Katie Thatcher's house. We had a great tasting healthy soup provided by Karla, and then, get this, a chocolate fountain with little fruits and cakes for dipping. I've never experienced a chocolate fountain on a Friday afternoon before. I thought they were strictly for weddings and parties, but Katie parties on Friday afternoons--yes! Most of us worked (me, very little) on door decorations for teacher appreciation week at Joplin. Cindy Whiting is working on several doors simultaneously, bless her heart. Those teachers might go unappreciated if it weren't for the ladies at that project day.
Later I took Parker, Tadman, and Kate to McDonalds to meet Misty Newson and her kids. It was great talking with her while the kids played and enjoyed themselves in the indoor playground. Once again, it's great to be surrounded by concerned and helpful friends keeping me engaged and going places.
Misty's daughter Daysha accompanied Kate and I to Kate's soccer game next. Kate played a very aggressive team that dominated her team a little bit, but the great thing about 7-year-olds playing soccer--they think every game ends in a tie. And they're always more excited about the snack than the game! Kate tried her best, did a great time making big kicks as a defender, and had a great attitude throughout the game, so it was a success.
Our family had another early Saturday, as Hunter had an 8:30 basketball game. I let the other kids sleep in because it was such a great rainy Saturday morning, and I thought I'd love to sleep in on that kind of morning, but since I couldn't, I slept in vicariously through them, and man, when Tadman's asleep, I let him sleep! Hunter's team is playing so well. They played their Saturday morning game on a tiny court at Lewis and Clark, and while Hunter is probably the biggest guy on the team, they're all getting pretty big now so it's a whole different game with those big sweaty boys on a little tiny court. It's hard to have any spacing or passing lanes, but they adapted and beat Kuna easily in the first game.
After picking up Kate and Tadman after the game we were off to my sister-in-law's house for a special all girl (and Tadman) party in celebration of May Day. We learned a little about the history of the holiday, made togas and head wreaths, and ate a glorious breakfast brunch of a kind of sausage and egg pastry, spinach and hazelnut salad, fresh fruit, hot cross buns, and orange yogurt topped with homemade granola. Robin and her daughters are fantastic cooks and present food beautifully which I always think makes it even more tasty. My niece Shannon took pictures, and I will be sure to include one in the blog when she sends them. Taddy and my nephew's daughter, Mackenzie, were very cute in their togas and headdresses. Tadman somehow managed to make his manly and only started having fun when Mackenzie broke out the trucks.
We enjoyed the party so much we were late for Hunter's second game. Luckily Grandma Dee and Ron were there to represent the family until we arrived. Hunter's team played Mountain View, and while they were a little more challenged, mostly because of their own mistakes, they ended up pulling away and winning by a comfortable margin in the end. They have just 2 games next Saturday and then tournament and have certainly exceeded my expectations by going undefeated to this point in the season. Hopefully they'll continue to play to the best of their abilities. Greg has done a great job of coaching them and bringing them together as a team. During school ball Hunter was often frustrated and irritated by his teammates, but he is really enjoying spending time with these guys during this AAU season. Greg does a good job of reigning them in and making sure they behave appropriately toward each other, and if they don't, they run.
OK, I'm not proud of this, but Saturday night Greg and Hunter and I hit the Boise Burn game. It's like the Walmart of football. They play at Qwest Arena on a field just a little bigger than a basketball court with bumpers all around. It seems like they really like slamming their opponents into this wall surrounding the field, and the fans seem to like best that if a football flies into the crowd and you catch it, you get to keep it. Coincidentally the players for the Burn were wearing pink jerseys to be auctioned off to benefit the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research, but I didn't know that before the game. The Burn were victorious by about 200 to 21 or something, and although it made me anxious for real football season to begin, it's definitely nothing like real football. It's Cool Whip and real football is whipped cream. Can't wait!
Today has been another great Sunday. Church was mostly spiritually uplifting, although between my own kids and being at the back of the congregation, it was a little like being in the nursery. Tadman is much more physically active and verbal than he was a few months ago, so it's a challenge to keep him quiet and in control each week. This week he was considered to be too sick to go to the nursery again, so it was hard to listen and catch the messages in every meeting, but even so, it was great to be with friends at church.
And after church my family always enjoys picking on each other, fighting over movie choices, complaining about the small servings of home evening treats, and being disgruntled in general, but it's all good because in spite of all the bickering that goes on, we all get to stay home together, we have a nice meal, we have some gospel teaching, we have the time to talk or nap, or write blogs, and it is a day unlike the others, so it's all good.
Thanks to my sister Heidi for the package full of gifts and letters of encouragement for each member of my family. Heidi, I know you are frustrated that you can't be here to help, but I feel you here, and having Leah for a day was a great representation of you. I appreciate you writing a personal note to each of the kids, even Tadman, because each has special concerns and different perspectives. Of course we look forward to seeing you in person sometime soon because that's always more fun.
I continue to enjoy your comments about my blog. It's a great way for me to feel connected to my peeps, so if you have a few minutes, leave me a comment. I like the feedback.

Through Bumps and Bruises, Rain and Hail, Life Must Go On!

2009-04-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

It's late, and I'm tired, but the blog must go on...
You'll all be happy to know Kate has made her presentation and the horse report has been put to bed. Hunter, Tadman and I went to watch her and she did a wonderful job. We saw a few other kids make their reports as well and now I know, second graders are capable of some pretty thorough animal reports. I also know all about horses, polar bears and giraffes. I will be even more excited when the other kids are done with all their assignments and school is out for summer.
Since I have been advised to quit walking by my doctors, I motivated myself to get up Wednesday and go to water aerobics. When I got to the pool the instructor had me come up next to her and she introduced me to the entire pool and told everyone I was doing chemotherapy. You have really very little dignity left when you're in a bathing suit, bald, and being called to every one's attention before getting in the pool to do water aerobics. Now I can face anything. Well, it may have been a little more humiliating when the nurse practitioner asked to look at my bottom when I told her it was sore at my doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm stripping away a lot of onion layers here. After the big introduction I really enjoyed the workout. My sister's right--water aerobics is a lot like playing in the pool when you're a kid. It's hard to think of it as exercise.
Heather and mom came to my house to do their bed making and laundry soon after water aerobics was over. Tadman is growing accustomed to their routine now, and boy is he excited when they come. He loves my sister's yellow "huck", and my mom has started bringing him books and blocks and other little presents so he's thrilled when he sees them coming. I am too, of course. They act as therapists as well as laundresses when they come. They make sure I'm up emotionally as well as physically and always leave me feeling better than when they came.
Rachel's off to Logan, Utah with the chamber orchestra until late Saturday, so there's a strong male vibe in the house right now. Greg brought Hunter home from basketball practice tonight with a huge knot on his head. Apparently he bumped heads with a teammate in one of those loose ball drills. Greg wasn't concerned, but Hunter came right home and sat down in a chair and slumped over almost asleep and I panicked thinking he had a concussion. I called Mindy and she was nice enough to call David at work and have him call us to give us his professional opinion. I'll admit I freak out about head injuries ever since Natasha Richardson bumped her head on the bunny hill at a ski resort and ended up dying of a brain hemorrhage. David thought he'd be fine, however, so hopefully he'll be more chipper in the morning.
I had a lovely talk with Mary Dahl today. What a delightful, kind friend she is. I selfishly wish she was still around the corner instead of in Vancouver, but she always feels nearby even if she's not. Thanks for calling, Mary, it was wonderful to hear your voice. Thanks to everyone who brought meals this week, Justine Powell, Sherry Bithell, and Tammee Fulghum. I know someone helped Tammee, too, but I am not sure who, so thanks to whomever helped Tammee with her meal. Thanks to Sarah Nokleby for the long phone conversation this week--I appreciate you checking in with me and always being so willing to help with anything. Thanks to Vicki Worthen and Cynthia Waldon for going bike riding through rain and hail with me this afternoon. Tadman especially enjoyed the view from the bike trailer.
As I decline physically through this treatment, and I'm beginning to accept that will happen, even to me, I am so grateful to each of you for giving me something to lean on. You truly are making my burden lighter and more bearable, and I'm needing that support more and more as treatment lengthens and my body slowly breaks down. I am a humble and grateful woman. How much pride can you have left when you have no hair and you are showing people your bottom?

The Ups, the Downs, and the Upside-downs of Cancer Treatment, By Margi

2009-04-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged since last Wednesday, and you know what that means--you're going to need a little stretch mid-blog or some sort of stimulant to get you through this one. Consider reading a paragraph a day if the whole of the thing is too daunting, or have one of your kids skim it and tell you the highlights. I will say since Wednesday I've been on the roller coaster and not the merry-go-round, so that might help.

It must have been Thursday morning when I noticed the article on the Komen billboard models in the Statesman. I was super excited to read it because I thought I'd have so much in common with these fellow cancer ______________ (insert your favorite descriptive noun here. Possible choices: victims, sufferers, battlers, patients, survivors...) So imagine my disappointment when I had little or nothing in common with any of them, at least as they were portrayed by the Statesman. I was discouraged! I had been very much looking forward to the Komen festivities, mainly because of the opportunity to meet women like me, but these women seemed NOTHING like me. There seemed to be no introspection or spirituality expressed, just a lot of "why me" and "this sucks". Depressing!

Then the same day I talked to Stephanie Parry, a woman I love to talk to, incidentally, but she was telling me about all the nutrition information she'd researched about keeping the body cancer free after treatment, and learning that I should have no more than 15% of my calories come from fat, no sugar (a cancer spreader), and lots and lots kale and swiss chard from here on out was an ominous and dreary picture of my future. Cancer or food, food or cancer? I'll be considering my options during treatment.
Luckily my mom and Heather came on Friday morning to do the laundry routine, and I was able to unload some of my frustrations with my dirty laundry. By the time they left my beds were made, the clean laundry was put away, and I was feeling much better about life. I was double therapized--both the organized house and the listening ears soothed me.
An unexpected visit from my adorable niece Leah and her husband Landon brought me totally out of the funk. They were visiting Boise from Logan for other business, but made the effort to come to my house and see how I was feeling and if they could perform any service for me. Talking with them and being around their youth and enthusiasm and wholesome good looks was positively rejuvenating. And Leah even came back the next day to watch Hunter play basketball and go to lunch with my family. Being around her was delightful! Thank you Leah and Landon for your visit. It meant so much to me!
After Leah and Landon's visit on Friday afternoon I was off to take Parker to a school visit at Christine Donnell Arts Magnet School. Both of us were impressed with the principal, the cleanliness and order of the school, and the variety of electives offered. We will be writing some pro and con lists in the next little while before we make the final decision. The obvious drawback for us going to Christine Donnell is transportation. We'd be driving Parker back and forth every day, but it's nice to have more than one option.
After the downer of Thursday and part of Friday (could there be a pattern forming here?) I was looking forward to the sporting events of Saturday, and I was not disappointed. Hunter's team played bright and early Saturday morning and had an epic battle with Caldwell. The game was tied several times and continued to be tied late into the 4th quarter when with 2.1 seconds left in the game, Hunter, the big hero, drove the lane and was fouled while making a lay-up, then banked the bonus free throw in, helping his team win the game with a three point margin. Quite exciting! Then off to Kate's soccer game which also ended in a tie, and in which Kate made an assist, then back to Lowell Scott for Hunter's second game, which was no longer a contest by the time I returned. Hunter's team beat Capital easily in that game. We ended a busy day by watching Hunter and the rest of the kids from church in the regional dance festival at Taco Bell Arena, and other than a minor altercation between Greg and another spectator who insisted we stole a seat he was saving, we enjoyed that too. My favorite part was seeing the different styles and personalities of my kids' friends coming out in that environment. Michelle Reed, Tom Sant, Hunter (of course), and Taylor Searle were some that stood out to me because of their dynamic personalities.
Okay, you must be growing weary of reading because I grow very weary of writing, so I'll try a little less detail, a little more insight.
The Sabbath was great for me. I loved the messages in all the meetings and came away feeling great, especially about my solid female support group at church. My feelings of love and my acceptance of little differences has grown so much with this cancer diagnosis. You can try me, but I honestly don't think any of you ladies from church could vex me in any way no matter what you did. You've all shown me such love, support, acceptance, and encouragement I can't imagine ever entertaining a bad thought about any of you ever again. And I think you like me more, too. I'm cooler with cancer, aren't I? I'm joking, of course, but I do think you've forgotten a lot of my shortcomings and imperfections because you're so anxious to support me. And I thank you!
So I've finally made it to today, Monday, treatment day. Today Camille Miller picked me up, while Mindy watched Taddy. When we arrived (after maybe 2 puzzle pieces--SAME PUZZLE!) I was quickly called in for my blood work. The port was accessed very efficiently and on the first try by the head nurse today. But when I went to my doctor's visit--a saw the nurse practitioner instead of Dr. Montgomery--and told her of my sore feet, blistered hands and sore bottom, and after she had examined those areas (why did I open my big mouth?), my treatment was suspended for today because I was too symptomatic. In other words, my body's falling apart! The bad news is, no more walking. I have to find some other exercise that's easier on my feet. The good news is, they don't add on another treatment later, they just skip it and move on. That means I'm still on schedule to be done with chemo on August 31st. So after getting the needle removed from my port, Camille and I got to have an early lunch, and it was yummy. Maybe I'll feel super delightful this week, huh?
One final note, we have conquered the horse report. Kate presents tomorrow and then we can put that puppy to bed. Yes! Thanks to Maureen for dinner, to my friends who brought the freezer meal, to Brenda for walking (what I guess will be my last walk for awhile), and to Camille and Mindy for the support today. And again, I can't say it enough, thank you all for your kind words, your prayers, your cards, your visits, your e-mails, your calls, and your comments on my blog. I honestly feel all of you holding me up a lot of the time. That's the only way I can explain why this burden feels so bearable. Hang in there with me for a few more months, okay?

Yeah, I've Got Cancer, But at Least it's Not AP Chemisty!

2009-04-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from my second nap of the day and I'm a little disoriented. Let's hope this makes sense!
One of the challenges of cancer treatment for me, as I've alluded to before, is being a mom and caring for five kids while taking the time for all these appointments, dealing with sickness and energy loss, and not giving in to the discouragement caused by all the changes to my former feeling of overall wellness. The past few days I've been put a little to the test with concerns about my kids.
Yesterday, I spent a good part of the day contacting schools Parker might possibly attend next fall. He's had a hard time at Lowell Scott this year with all the adjustments that come with middle school, so we (Greg and I, as well as Parker) have decided we'll make some sort of a change for next year. We're considering 2 charter schools in the Meridian School District and one alternative middle school. All of this requires phone calls and filling out paperwork and making school visits, stuff that would regularly be no big deal, but now seems kind of exhausting. The effort will be well worth making if we manage to get Parker into a school where he's happier so he can get his focus back on learning instead of surviving. We've completed paperwork for 2 of the schools and Parker and I will be making a visit to the third this Friday.
Another challenge I'm facing this week seems like a small enough problem, but man is it weighing heavily on my mind. Kate, in second grade, has a major project and presentation in the works and it's due next Monday. When did second graders start doing big projects anyway? She's decided to do her report on horses, and all the work needs to be done at home. That means we've been to the library, searched the Internet, researched facts, decided on visual aids for the presentation, written drafts, and we're still not done. Am I the only one that finds this crazy? Didn't we just finger paint and add and subtract in the second grade? Maybe have story time? We have a poster to make and a final draft to type, and then we'll start hammering on the presentation. Unfortunately poor Kate has to wake me up in the afternoons to get me to help her. If it gets done it will be because Kate willed it to get done!
Next on the kid agenda is a preschool for Tadman. He won't be going until fall 2010, but he won't be getting in anywhere then unless we get him on some sort of a waiting list now. My beloved preschool, My Friends Preschool, where Hunter, Parker, and Kate went, is no longer available, and the best preschool teacher in the world, Teacher Merrily, has retired. So today Tadman and I made a little visit to Hillview Preschool on Ustick, a little east of Cole Valley Christian School. It's a cute little preschool in a cute little church and the ladies there were very kind and welcoming, but you know how it is when you've been to the mountaintop and really loved the view--everything else just seems like a little hill. If any of you have preschools you're as passionate about as I am about My Friends Preschool, let me know, but Hillview may just have to do!
Even Hunter who's usually pretty self contained had a bad situation at school this week. Those darn sports teams can really bring you down sometimes, can't they? Well this week they announced a basketball meeting at Centennial so Hunter and a group of his friends who play basketball for Centennial showed up for the meeting. When they got there, the coaches told them they weren't supposed to be at the meeting--it was just for players who were projected to be on the JV and varsity teams next year, and those kids were being invited to go to a camp at Gonzaga. So in front of all those guys Hunter and the four guys he came with were invited to leave, and of course some of the guys who stayed are playing with Hunter on an AAU team right now, and so of course that gets rubbed in the face of Hunter and the other guys who weren't invited, and then Hunter's like, "Why's this kid invited and I'm not invited?" Doesn't it seem like this situation could have been avoided? I'm finding high school sports, and particularly basketball, a bit frustrating. Good news--one less summer camp we have to plan for.
And today poor Rachel, a fabulous student, came home exhausted with frustration. She has been struggling all semester in her AP Chemistry class and hadn't let us know how bad it had gotten. She's not relating well with her teacher and not doing well on weekly quizzes and because of this she's not doing as well as she'd like and is feeling a lot of stress. When you're a perfectionist like Rachel is and you aren't doing well in one class, it seems like the end of the world. All of a sudden everything seems to be overwhelming and insurmountable. I have a nephew at Boise State who's bound for medical school at San Diego next school year, and I'm hoping he'll be able to help her catch up and make sense of what she's not learning in the class. Okay, this week Centennial has gone from being my favorite school my kids are at to my biggest frustration. Rachel is just an excellent student! There's definitely something amiss in that chemistry class or she'd be getting it. I know all of you are praying for me. Please add Rachel to your prayers the next few days. Ahhh, high school! I'll take cancer treatment any day!
On a far less frustrating note, Kate and Tadman and I got in a lovely walk with Alaine Buckley last evening. The company was great, the weather beautiful, and maybe if I walk a whole lot I'll be as adorable as Alaine someday! Alaine and Karla also brought a fabulous mexican food feast to our house earlier in the evening. Thank you Alaine and Karla.
Today I was able to get out in the yard with Tadman for a couple of hours and dig dandelions out of the lawn and sweep up the front walk. Those of you who know me well know that's my favorite kind of work and it felt great to get my hands dirty and watch Tadman play on his trike. I even worked up a couple little thumb blisters. I just have to take the opportunity to spend some time outside when the weather is this spectacular. It can't last forever!
I've had a lot of things to keep me busy and occupy my mind so far this week. That means I've had very little time to think of sick stomachs and tiredness, although I have taken several naps, I must admit. But for the most part I feel pretty good so far this week. Now if I can just help Kate get that dreaded horse report done!
Thanks to Dixie and Brenda for the great meal we had tonight--very much comfort food, and thanks to my mom and sister Heather for continuing to conquer my family's dirty laundry and messy bedrooms. Thanks for phone calls, comments on my blog, and visits. I appreciate all of you and everything you do for me. This would be much harder, if not impossible, without the support and kindness of my army of friends!

Tiring, Yet Totally Terrific Treatment Day

2009-04-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

Today was terrific treatment day. After getting all the kids off, including Tadman to Cindy's house (Thanks Cindy and Sam!), my friend Karla and I were off to the Monday ritual. Boy did things go smoothly today. I was hooked up for the blood draw on the very first try again! Those girls are really getting good! Then Dr. Montgomery was in fine form today--all smiles and kindness, even though the computers weren't even working perfectly, they were working well enough to get accurate, up-to-date blood counts. And maybe after I'd gotten in a total of 5 puzzle pieces, we were called into the infusion. Funny, even the nurse who came to call me in stopped momentarily and tried to put in a few pieces UNSUCCESSFULLY. You can't do a puzzle like that, lady!
The infusion was quick and easy. All that crazy anti-nausea medicine and those steroids are back on board. We'll see how long they last this week. Cathy, my nurse, said it's very normal to have fewer "good" days at this point, so my Fridays may be staying bad. She also said she thought I'd feel much better if I tried to eat small, frequent meals. That's going to be a challenge for me, but something to concentrate on this week--that and looking sexy bald. Interestingly enough, NO ONE except Cathy even noticed my hair had disappeared. I guess they see them a lot a bald women down there at MSTI.
After infusion, Karla and I had a delightful lunch downtown at Moon's Kitchen. I highly recommend it. I had the best patty melt with melted cheese and sauted onions and some great hand cut french fries and a strawberry shake. I got a small shake--don't worry. It tasted good today! The atmosphere is kind of hip diner down there, and our waitress was very kind and helpful. Let's go again sometime someone!
Oh, I had a busy busy afternoon. Parker and I had a Doctor's appointment, Hunter needed rides back and forth from the YMCA, everyone needed food, Kate had a big animal report to work on, Tadman was in dire need of a nap, we went and saw Grandma and Ron's new house, and Rachel was away working on a big power point project she's presenting in AP English tomorrow. Oh yeah, and I went to the grocery store. We even worked a short Family Home Evening in there somewhere, although I promised Kate we'd get in our game tomorrow night. You can only do so much, you know!
After a crazy evening I'm posting my blog wayyyyy too late. I hope you'll forgive me if I don't include any new insight today. Karla and I did have a great conversation at lunch about many deep and meaningful topics, and I'll include more of those observations when I can get to my blogging before 2:00 in the morning. Thanks to my sweet sister and niece and Brenda Walton for telling me my bald head is attractive. Bald women need that kind of reinforcement! Thanks to Karla for the lovely morning and lunch including some awesome discussion and puzzle building. Oh we came close to finishing that dang puzzle!

SHAVE IT! SHAVE IT! SHAVE IT!

2009-04-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Since the kids have been reluctant and freaked out about the whole head shaving process, when Greg woke me up early for church this morning it seemed like an opportune time to get it done. So Greg shaved it all off--Kate woke up and helped too--first with the big clippers, then the little clippers, and then an electric razor. Believe it or not, I felt much better looking bald, with a soft white head, than with that patchy itchy thin witches' hair I've been sporting this week. When I saw the back of my head in the mirror last night and I had some nice male pattern bald spots, a nice clean shave started sounding pretty good. I don't know if you'll agree, but I actually have a pretty nice looking head. And hat wearing is much more enjoyable when you don't have to worry about what the hat's going to do to your hair.
I took the new look to church today, not totally naked but with a little black cap on, and although I got some stares, I'm sure they were mostly stares of recognition of cancer treatment and sympathy, and not stares of "who's that freak?" I feel very empowered by shaving it instead of just letting it slowly and disgustingly fall out. It's a great change.
The messages I got from church today (when I wasn't distracted by a restless 2-year-old and 2 restless 12-year-olds and 1 restless 46-year-old) was that the power of repentance is real and God always wants us back and welcomes us with open arms if we turn back toward him, and that each individual is important and significant and God prefers that none of us get lost along the way. I'm sure there were some other important points I missed, but I liked the ones I got. I am glad for all the ways Heavenly Father is providing for me and cushioning my blows--like by giving me a nice looking head so I don't have to feel self conscious about being bald! And there's no way I'll have a single split end when it grows back in! But seriously, I am humbled by all the tender mercies I have every day. When I need them they come and I'm much more aware of them than ever before. I realize more than ever that cancer can't kill a good attitude any more than winning the lottery can promote a good attitude. Your attitude has nothing whatsoever to do with what you have or don't have. You'll only achieve a good attitude when you're grateful for what you have--truly and genuinely grateful.
Speaking of tender mercies, thanks to the Dibbles for surprising us with dinner today, and a continual stream of thanks to Justine Powell for making all my babysitting arrangements and making sure we have meals and I have walking partners and chemo buddies. Thank you ALL for providing meals, encouragement, gifts, and prayers for me and my family. We love you!

Two Wins, A Goal, and a Whole New Perspective

2009-04-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

What another beautiful spring day today. As some of you have mentioned to me, it is a great blessing to do cancer treatment in the spring and summer instead of the other times of the year. If it were fall it would mess with football season, and it would be too depressing in the winter. There are blessings to count EVERY day.
And of course one of Saturday's blessings is basketball! I was able to watch Hunter play 2 exciting games today, and his team was able to win both of them. So for the season his AAU team is 4-0 in AAU games this season. Hunter had a great second game and is leading his team in field goal percentage and near the top in free throw percentage and rebounding. He also plays great defense, but that doesn't always show up on stats.
With Hunter's basketball I wasn't able to take Kate to soccer today. Fortunately Greg's step dad, Ron, was able to take her for me, and would you believe it, I missed her first goal of the season. Go Kate! She did describe how she dribbled and dribbled and then shot really hard, so that was almost like being there.
The afternoon was just a blur of activity at our house. Rachel had friends over producing a video for school, Parker had friends over, Hunter had friends over--it was quite festive. I am glad that it's business as usual around here on the weekends. When my family is living life like they normally do that makes me feel more normal, and I feel the same whether friends are over or not so it's nice to have a houseful.
Greg and I left the bustle to attend a church meeting in the evening. The messages of that meeting made me count my blessings once again. My life has completely changed by having cancer, and other than the tiredness and upset stomach, the changes in my life have been for the better. I am so much more connected to friends and neighbors. I have walking partners, hat party throwers, cleaners, and check-inners. I'm more appreciative of the people I come in contact with each day and feel more love and compassion toward them. I have no ill feelings toward anyone. My children are more concerned and affectionate. Maybe the biggest change is this--I notice the pain and the challenges going on in the world around me now and I care and I want to help. Before my diagnosis I didn't notice much of anything except for people who were doing better than we were. I'm ashamed to admit that but it's true. My hope is that this change will not shrink as the cancer does, but that it is a true and permanent change, that my heart is forever full of compassion, and that I will truly seek opportunities for service every day for the rest of my life.
Thank you all so much for caring about me and praying for me.

Hat Party! Bum Tummy.

2009-04-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing is as fun when your tummy hurts. Nothing is as fun when you no longer look forward to that special snack or that great dessert. Wait, I take that back! Hat parties are still fun.
But before the hat party I had to get up and pay my bills, and that was hard to do because Taddy was up into the wee hours of the morning for some reason. He just wouldn't go to sleep last night until 2 a.m. So I was pretty tired this morning when bill paying time came. I have to say I have a pretty impressive stack of bills, too, now that I have a medical "condition". Those come with lots of bills and now a job that used to take me a couple of hours takes about 5.
I was still working on bills when my lovely helpers came to clean my house. Marian Smith, Stephanie Searle, Nicole Daniels, Brenda Walton and Jamie Boyce came and cleaned our home from top to bottom and side to side--and it looks fabulous. My windows are gleaming, my floors shine and we even got all the old Easter candy out of the couch cushions. Thank you, great friends!
More help was on the way as shift one finished up and shift two arrived. Heather, her daughter Brennan, and my mom were right on the heels of the first group. They put away freshly folded laundry and picked up the dirty variety, and then they helped me organize and put away stacks of junk I've been meaning to put away for weeks and haven't gotten around to. My house is just much more attractive this evening than it was when I woke up this morning. Thank you, great family.
Then it was time for the hat party! Karla and Becky were nice enough to come and fetch Tadman and I because I was moving pretty slowly. My stomach is becoming more and more of an issue as this treatment goes on, and those stomach problems were demotivating, so the ride was very much appreciated. Thank you Brenda, for hostessing the party, and thank you Melinda, for finding a picture of me with good hair to put on the invitation. The food was good, the hats are great, the catalogs and wig information invaluable, and I really do feel a lot better about losing my hair with all my faithful friends supporting me. It sincerely made a difference. Thanks hat party guests! I will be sporting some fine hats in the near future!
May I take the time to mention that the weather was breathtakingly fine today and I took a few minutes to pull a few weeds in the back yard so I could enjoy it. A beautiful spring day can make you forget your problems I tell ya'.
The customary blessing count is quite easy to do today. I am thankful for caring and concerned friends and family. I am thankful for a toddler who is happy, somehow, on 5 and a half hours of sleep. I am thankful for hats and wigs and all the fashion options they will provide when my hair is gone. I'm thankful for a husband who works hard, hard, hard, so we can make a dent in those medical bills. I'm so thankful he still has a job to go to. And I'm thankful for sunshine, warmer weather, singing birds, blooming flowers, green grass, and baby ducks. These are all evidences that my Heavenly Father loves me.

Shedding and Bedding or Napping and Balding or Snoozing and Losing

2009-04-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

I have had a hard time the past few days staying up late enough to write on the blog. I hear this chemo stuff can make you a little tired. My days of staying up 'till 2 getting my little jobs like e-mailing and bill paying done may be a thing of the past. Perhaps I'm like Sampson and will completely lose my strength with my hair.
Looking back to Monday, treatment day, it was a good time as usual. Lovely Tammee Fulghum came as my companion, but I got called in so quickly we were able to do very little of the puzzle. I got in only TWO pieces--Tammee did much better. Things went very smoothly with the treatment despite the utter failure in puzzle building. My port was accessed on the very first try for the first time ever! My white blood cell count was the highest it's been since treatment began (that's good they tell me) and all other indicators in my blood tests were positive. I'm a little anemic, but that's just something they expect to start at this point and to get a little worse each week of treatment. Unfortunately I have no little quips from Dr. Montgomery because he was away from the office, but I'm sure he'll offer extra personality next week to make up for his absence. The infusion was very efficient this week. I got some juice and a warm blanket and Tammee knitted a dish cloth and it was over. I ordered lunch but it didn't even get there before I left, so Tammee and I were forced to GO to lunch at Spaghetti Factory. We got to sit in the caboose table and ordered off the half price menu and felt very satisfied with our lunch. Then on the way back to my house we noticed the sushi cooking class was still in session so we HAD to stop in and try some of the sushi. Dave and Rich came through with some great tasting tidbits, a nice little supplement to our Italian lunch. My great friend Melissa was entertaining Tadman while I was leisurely making my way home. Thank you Melissa and Tammee for enhancing my treatment day and making it leisurely and delightful again.
When my kids got home there was a weekend atmosphere at the house because the older kids didn't have school Tuesday because of senior projects. Therefore we were a little lax on the homework and school preparation for the little kids, and we ended up running out of time to cook dinner and grabbing a pizza late to feed the kids before we put them to bed. We had a very busy family life already, and although I have relinquished a lot of my responsibilities to other people, it's very hard to fit cancer into an already busy family schedule. So all of you helping with meals and cleaning and washing are really making it possible for us to maintain a little of the order we had before my diagnosis, and we appreciate immensely the time it provides for us to do other things we need to do.
Tuesday was a sleep in day for me after I got the younger kids off to school. On the days I don't have something scheduled I kind of like climbing back into bed with Tadman and letting him watch Sesame Street while I get another hour of sleep. My bed is way too comfortable to me now. I try to get back in it every chance I get. Rachel managed to rouse me out of bed and we went to Costa Vida where we were delighted to see the Bishop, Brother Ableman, and Brother Smith, and the Millers. It was a little unofficial ward party. Lunch was good, and we followed it up with some cherry limeades from Sonic happy hour before I had to be to the dentist with Parker who got sealants and 2 fillings. (He's not the most religious brusher). Then I had a football boosters meeting at Centennial to go to. The meetings are heating up as we get closer to football season, and everyone knows football season begins the day school gets out. They plan camps, summer workouts, scrimmages, and meetings throughout the summer. They're trying to decide where to go to camp this summer and which players to take to camp, so this was a much more heavily attended meeting than most, and it ended up being a 2 hour meeting, so I missed walking with Alaine Buckley because it was too late to go when I returned. Alaine promised to get me out some other time. I've got to start walking if I'm going to make it to the finish line at the Koman for the Cure walk coming up next month.
Today I was such a good girl and got up and worked out at the Y. I did the 10:15 water aerobics workout that's kind of more intense and lap oriented than the earlier water aerobics class. Only 2 ladies were in the class, including me, so it was more of an individual self guided workout, but it felt good to excercise and then stretch and relax in the water. Brother Stott was putting in a few laps in the lane right next to me and making me look bad.
It's the first time Tadman has been in the nursery at the Y, or at least the first time since he was an infant, and he wasn't too sure he wanted to stay even after I showed him all their cool "hucks". Finally I had to ask one of the child watch staff to take him by the hand and lead him away from me--he didn't want to let go of his kung fu grip on my hand. He did seem fine and happy when I picked him up to take him back home.
After lunch and some trike riding in the back yard for Tadman it was back to bed for us. As you can see I am slowly spending more and more time in bed. Tadman so far has been kind enough to accomodate me by either napping with me or playing with trucks on the floor next to my bed while I nap. What an especially sweet child he is.
Somehow while I slept away all my kids got to dance festival practice, scouts and orchestra and everywhere else they needed to be. If you got them those places, thank you.
Since I'm feeling very down about the inevitable loss of my hair and resultant baldness today, I want to take a minute to count my blessings. I am thankful for my home, and that it is comfortable and warm and that it is a good place to recuperate and rest and be with my family. I am thankful for nausea medicines that keep me just hating food and not throwing up. I am thankful I have not picked up any of the illnesses that have gone through my family so I can be at home instead of in the hospital. I am thankful for my friends, for their notes, their phone calls, and their hat parties in my honor. I am thankful for the concern and help of friends who are cancer survivors who give me hope for the future. I am thankful that my husband is able to work to support our family and pay my medical bills, and that he does so willingly, and I am thankful for my kids because I find my greatest contentment in their company. I promise to try to continue to count my blessings even when every single hair has fallen out of my head, probably tomorrow.

Hare, Oops, I Mean Hair, Loss On Easter, But At Least I've Never Been Attacked By A Bear!

2009-04-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

The title is catchy, isn't it? Come with me, dear reader, and I'll enlighten you.
I believe I mentioned that my nurse, Cathy, told me last Monday that if I made it through this week, very likely I'd be keeping my hair. Well, irony of ironies, on the last day of this week, in the shower this morning, there were my handfuls of hair as I shampooed. Bummer! A small victory snatched at the twelfth hour by defeat! I hope to look as good as Hunter does when I lose it all. I'll post photos when the time comes.
Yesterday, about 200,000 hairs bushier, I had a busy sports Saturday with the kids. Hunter and his AAU team were involved in a big basketball tournament that turned out to be a challenge for them. They did well in their first two games, but struggled in their 2 Saturday games. To further complicate things, Greg had sick employees (yes, he infected them) and had to be at work so was unable to coach the boys in the early game. The team was competitive and gave good effort in both games, but shot a miserable percentage for the day and was unable to overcome those shooting woes. Hunter doesn't like to lose at all, so as a result he was miserable Saturday night.
Kate also had a sporting event on Saturday. She played goalie for the first time ever for her soccer team, and took to it very well, allowing only 2 goals during her time in net. I was happy to see her attack a new challenge with confidence instead of fear. It was a beautiful day at the soccer fields, I sincerely enjoy watching my children play sports, and so I was happy. There are so many lessons to be learned by participating in athletics. I see it almost every time one of the younger Nettles participates. Hunter is learning to be patient, to believe in himself and in his team and in their potential for improvement. He's learning to have self control even when he feels frustrated by officials calls, opponents, and even teammates. I hope he's learning that although the goal is to win, many quality lessons can be learned through a loss. Kate's learning she's strong and capable. She's learning to use games and play as a way to keep her body strong and healthy and she's learning a team working together makes her a much more succesful player.
Kate's game gave me a chance to talk to Scott Ursenback, a friend from church who just reached the 10 year mark being cancer free. How nice it is to have a conversation with someone who has been through a similar experience and knows the emotional and physical toll cancer takes on those who have it. It's also encouraging to see a young, vibrant guy who used to have cancer and now doesn't. I look forward to reaching that 10 year cancer free mark.
After a very busy day of games (very theraputic!), Greg and I decided to have a late dinner out and do a little last minute Easter basket shopping. The food at Red Robin was good, the shopping at Walmart tiring. NOT my favorite place to shop, to say the least, but I don't want my kids feeling life has lost its lustre because of my diagnosis. In fact, Easter, family celebrations, and even everyday living has become more celebratory and more meaningful since cancer.
Today it was great to be at church again. Between Conference and family illness it's been too long. The special music for Easter, taking the sacrament, teaching my Sunday School class, and being with my peers in Relief Society were highlights for me. I felt so much more in communion with the sisters at church than ever before in my life. I have a tendency to be independent, to do my own thing at my own pace, and to be preoccupied with my immediate family. Because of these tendencies I don't spend a lot of time cultivating friendships. Being in a situation where I have accepted help, instead of feeling guilty or needy like I thought I would, I feel interconnected, humble, accepting, and forgiving instead. That has been one of the best changes in me over the last few months.
Church was followed by a great meal with Greg's mom and Ron. They did all the Tadman chasing so I could just enjoy my meal. (Tadman adores his grandparents and their truck!) After dinner the kids and I enjoyed a back yard Easter egg hunt. Hunter didn't really enjoy it because he had already eaten too much candy. Tadman enjoyed it because he liked opening his mini m&m's, dumping them on the cement, and eating them off the ground like a doggie. Kate seemed to enjoy it the most. She enjoyed it so much, in fact, she wanted Rachel and I to rehide the eggs again. What perfect weather, and what a great opportunity to enjoy all the little plants, flowers, and birds re-emerging for spring.
So when we were back inside for the evening and I was trying to write my blog, Hunter was watching TLC. For any of you who are not familiar with that network, they have all kinds of shows about people with interesting physical challenges, extra large families, or people who have had unusually harrowing life experiences. So as I was trying to think and write and make sense of what I was writing, I was also listening to shows about the lady with the 200 lb. legs and another show about people attacked by bears, so yes, I have cancer and that stinks, but at least I've never been attacked by a bear!
Thank you friends for commenting on my blog, thanks to my mom and sister for continuously picking up and doing my laundry, thanks to Jesse for the concern and the cookies, thank you to everyone feeding my family with meals and freezer meals, and thank you to Justine Powell for making sure every need I can conceive of is filled. Yes, it seems my hair will fall out, but I am having a hard time NOT seeing all the blessings being poured upon me since the Monday morning Dr. Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon my head (little Beatles reference). You are the conduits of all those blessings.

MY COMPUTER'S BACK! LET THE BLOGGING BEGIN!

2009-04-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to have a computer back in my home. Thank you husband! I will definitely be a blogging fool now that it has become so much more convenient.
Many things have happened since my last post, so hopefully I can get a lot of information in without putting so much detail that it's overwhelming to read. Just feel free to put your head down on your computer desk halfway through if you need to, or break away for a little snack and leg stretch.
Most of the days I have missed writing about have been great days. In fact, I told my sister Heather that I suspected they had forgotten my actual chemo drug last infusion since I was feeling so good. That's changed a little bit. Since midday yesterday that old familiar chemo feeling has returned.
Here's a little update on my life since Saturday. On Sunday we had a great family breakfast as we watched the remaining sessions of Conference. Greg wasn't with us as he was in Fort Worth, Texas, setting up a customer's turn table. Yes, I guess it must have been a pretty nice turn table to make flying Greg out to set it up worthwhile. In the evening the kids and I went to my sister's house for dinner and games. Some other family members were there, including grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and we had a lot of fun playing The Couch Game and Mafia. The men in the group dominated both games and my nephew Colton unmercilously killed me in Mafia after I accused him of being mafia. He ended up winning the game by somehow convincing the others of his innocence. Ha! The highlight of the evening was when Tadman was given a balloon and brought it into the center of the room, flopped on top of it, and started biting it while all the rest of us anticipated its demise and resultant loud popping sound. Luckily when it did pop, Tadman reacted with surprise instead of terror.
On Monday my sweet friend Melissa went with me to treatment at MSTI while my other sweet friend Melinda watched Taddy. Melissa and I had a fabulous time together--at least I hope she had as much fun as I did. She helped me put pieces in the puzzle (the same one that was set up last week even!) until it was my turn to get blood work done, then offered her moral support as the nurse tried to access my port. I jinxed the poor girl by telling her it had taken them dozens of tries to access the week before, so after trying only twice she brought over the nurse who had hit the mark on her first try. And she did it on the first try again! That means only 3 pokes to access this week--a ratio I can live with.
Melissa got to meet the infamous Dr. Montgomery next. His computers were working this week so he was in a better mood than last week, but he did mention he had come three hours early to make sure they were working before patients arrived. When he examined my tumor he assured me that it that it was smaller and softer, and though he had no clinical evidence to support his assertions, he said it was his perogative as a clinician to say tumors are smaller and softer even without evidence. So there. His nurse Cathy said it's possible I won't lose my hair if I don't lose it this week, so Hunter may have shaved his head in vain. Perhaps I'll shave my head just to support him shaving his head for me.
After a few more key puzzle piece fittings, Melissa and I went in for the infusion, which is the part of the appointment where the actual chemotherapy is injected. Since it was lunch time they let me order actual food off a hospital menu and although Melissa didn't get to order anything, they did let her have a maple bar and some milk. We got to chat with a very nice gentleman who volunteers and fetches things for people while they're receiving treatment. He was excited to show us photos of his fiance' and grand kids and telling us about his upcoming wedding plans. It's actually delightful to visit MSTI because the people working and volunteering there are so kind and helpful. If any of you ever want to come see what Melissa has seen and lived to tell about, please let me know. It's fun when friends come. I usually go at about 10 a.m. on Mondays and it takes about 2 and a half to 3 hours. Puzzle building and maple bars are optional.
On Monday evening Greg arrived home and was ill again unfortunately. We had a great winter with very little illness in our family, but our spring is definitely making up for it. Overnight his temperature reached 102+ again, but he's been working through it and toughing it out since he is needed at the store. I have been spared any serious illness or fever through everyone else's illnesses, and I think that's a HUGE blessing.
On Tuesday I was feeling well enough to just live a regular day. I went to the Boise Temple (a special meeting house where members of our church can go to perform special ordinances, pray, and meditate) with my mom and sister and was able to go to Costa Vida with my friend Becky for lunch afterward. I felt great and had a good appetite and really enjoyed being out on a beautiful spring day. Later in the day I was well enough to go to a Centennial AAA Boosters meeting to help wrap up the year's activities as treasurer of that organization. Our board's biggest frustration there is finding officers to fill our spots for the new school year. It may be an organization that is no longer relevant or viable. We'll wait to see if the administration at Centennial has any input for us about finding new officers. The evening was occupied with an Open House at Pathways Middle School, a school Greg and I are investigating as a possible alternative for Parker next year. Like the rest of my kids, he has had a hard time adjusting to middle school at Lowell Scott, but unlike my other kids, his issues at Lowell Scott don't seem to be easing as the year progresses. We hope to get him in a different environment so his great potential as a student and human being can be tapped instead of being crushed. None of these hard decisions in life go away with cancer treatment. Life still has to be lived.
Since my energy and stomach were so good in the early part of the week, I decided to brave water aerobics at the YMCA on Wednesday. Tadman was with Grandma Dee and Ron, who had picked him up Tuesday afternoon to give him a little break from life with me, so it was easy to get over there. I enjoyed the class a lot, so much that I stayed for the next class, and it was fun to be with my sister and my mom and meet some of the great ladies taking the class. They were all so kind and helpful. They made sure I had good form and didn't drown, which was helpful.
So that almost brings me up-to-date because after those 2 classes I felt great, but a couple hours later I was sick to my tummy and exhausted, and other than welcoming my visiting teachers today, about all Tadman and I have done is sleep and watch Sesame Street. And that was almost too taxing.
My favorite part of having my computer back was reading your comments about my blog. I love, love, love knowing I have a whole army of concerned friends and family out there wishing me well. Please continue to comment. I like knowing you're out there. My fabulous niece Leah sent me one of my favorite letters ever and I got it today. It was even better than Sesame Street, Leah. Thank you, Leah, for reading my blog and making me feel great about myself. You know how much I love you and I can honestly say I have never seen you be unkind to anyone, ever. Thank you so much for letting me know you're with me! And again, to everyone, I appreciate all the food, gifts, cards, notes, companionship, babysitting, and love you're all so willing to provide. In the past I have at times been guilty of feeling sorry for myself, for feeling unappreciated or unnoticed at times, but THAT HAS CHANGED. I feel very loved, noticed, and taken care of by so many, many people. Thank you for making me feel like the most fortunate creature on Earth.

Conference and Basketball--Prescription Filled!

2009-04-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

From reading my blog you may have established that Mondays are pretty good days for me. Well, we can add Saturdays to the good list, because today was a very good day.
You may not agree, but one of my favorite things about Saturday mornings is my kids slowly trickling into my bed. Kate'll bring Tadman in when it's still dark outside, then she'll come in a few hours later, then Parker slinks in, and sometimes even Hunter. Of course this only happens when Greg wakes up early on Saturday so there is room in the bed for all the kids. I love it!
This happened to be a special Saturday in a few more ways, because it was General Conference today (a semi-annual meeting that is broadcast from Salt Lake City in which the leaders of our church give instruction, new revelation, and encouragement) and because it was the first day of AAU basketball for Hunter and Greg (he's coaching). So as I was getting ready for basketball I was able to listen to conference, and as often happens the messages seemed especially for me. Henry Eyring quoted the very scripture that Joetta Stott put on my signed pillowcase from Alma 7 about Jesus choosing to descend to be among us and choosing to feel our pain and bear our burdens. His talk was about keeping your faith when sorrow and hardship becomes yours, and how you can be refined and perfected through burdens if you have the appropriate attitude and bear those burdens well. I loved the story about the friend with the crippled back and the cane who experienced so much pain at the end of his life but would still carry Brother Eyring's trash can up a steep driveway because he wanted to serve. I said a big "Amen" to that talk. And then the Tabernacle Choir sang "The Lillies of the Field." Beautiful!
After being spiritually fed, I got to go see my little boy Hunter play basketball! And watch Greg coach. So much fun. They won both their games, played a great style that was exciting to watch, got better as they went along, and helped me cheer, relax, and forget about cancer treatment. I may not have mentioned that Hunter has shaved his head in support of me, knowing that I will be losing my hair soon, and it's helped his basketball game. He looks awfully intimidating with his 6 ft. 3 inch frame, 285 pounds, and bald head going on. He played great, the team played well together, the coaching was phenomenal, and it was way better than the two final four games later in the day.
To wrap up a lovely Saturday my husband took me out for dinner and I even had an appetite! Like I say, I think Saturdays are going to be good days!

Thoughts of Food Haunt My Every Waking Hour!

2009-04-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

Since I can't post on my blog every day I may be forgetting some of the bad stuff about chemo I wanted to share with my friends. The one thing I can never forget is how disgusting the thought of food and eating has become to me. I didn't think it would ever happen for me, but it has. My guess is that all the medicines I'm taking each day attack that little hypothalamus, or pleasure center of the brain, and it's just decided to totally give up and just sleep until my treatment is over. There is very little pleasure in chemotherapy!
So now when I'm watching TV and see those adds that make you so hungry when you're trying to diet, like the Chili's adds or the adds with the hot chocolate brownies, now I just go "Sick! Why do they have to ruin HGTV with these disgusting food adds!"
And smells are bad too, especially my own smell. I just smell like a high school chemistry lab. I also can't take the smell of stinky shoes and socks, food of any kind (surprise!) and even certain soaps. It's all so strange.
Now it's time for my big confession of the worst thing I've done since I last blogged. It was Wednesday, and my mom and my sister were kind enough to drop off lots of nicely folded laundry piles. After they left I was doing my best to get all that gorgeously folded laundry put into its proper place before kids got home and started demolishing those piles. I was working so intently that I didn't take the opportunity to force myself to eat and because of that I hadn't taken some of my necessary medications. Hunter was home sick from school and had needed a little tending to, Taddy was sick and so I'd given him a bath and spent a good share of the day wiping his nose, then Rachel came home from school sick and went straight to Kate's bed (Rachel's was covered with clean laundry) and went to sleep. So I finally threw a frozen mac n' cheese in the microwave so I could take my pills when Kate got home and said how hungry she was and asked if she could have my lunch. Taddy was begging for it too, of course. But I shoveled it down, took my medicine, and started putting clean clothes away again only to have it be time to wake Rachel up to send her off to Treasure Valley Youth Symphony. She said she was too sick to go and I had just had it with the whole needy sick children thing. I told her she couldn't be sick, I was tired of everyone being sick and I needed to be sick for a little while. As I was talking to her Parker walked by and said, "Man mom, you're so mean!" and that was a big mistake. I started in on the whole "I'M MEAN! I'M MEAN! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I'M MEAN?" And then the sobbing started as all my startled children huddled around me wondering what was going on. Then Hunter decided to lecture Kate about not begging for my food and Parker about not saying I'm mean, etc. Sometimes kids (and husbands) do not understand the concept of mother as the patient, and if you aren't a hand wringer or a complainer or someone who sits in bed crying it is assumed you are fine. I'm sure you all hear me talking. You speaka my language. The good news is, I'm a little more than a week and a half into treatment and I've had only 1 MELTDOWN!
I will repeat Karla Briggs' advice in my head like a mantra--DO NOT EXPECT YOUR FAMILY TO FILL YOUR BUCKET. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR FAMILY TO FILL YOUR BUCKET. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR FAMILY TO FILL YOUR BUCKET. Thank you, Karla. And thank you to all who have sent meals. Yes, I do eat them and often they are the only thing I eat. It's so much easier to eat things I don't prepare! Thank you to Tammee for the visit and to Reed Nokleby for his visit and for Stephanie Searle for the treats and visit. Thank you to my friends who cleaned my house today. You got the stinky shoe smell totally out! And thank you Annette for the lovely flowers. I am glad you think a clean home needs a beautiful bouquet! Thank you to my beautiful laundresses, Heather and my mom, for all that sweet smelling laundry, and thank you to my friend Justine, who calls everyday just to check. I have a greater than ever love and appreciation for my sweet friends.

Manic Monday? Blue Monday? NOPE! It's STEROID Monday!

2009-03-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

Well, Monday's treatment day and I'd heard some bad stories about treatment day, but for me, treatment day is da' bomb! I feel superhuman on treatment day. I can control young children and eat food enthusiastically on treatment day! I can threaten teenagers with bodily harm if they don't obey me and believe that I could actually carry out the threat! I CAN GROCERY SHOP ON TREATMENT DAY! AND LIKE IT!
Our home computer crashed yet again last night--side effects of having Parker playing computer games for unnatural amounts of time throughout Spring Break. She just couldn't take anymore so she froze up and died, and now until we get a new computer or get the old girl cleaned up my blogs may be a little more infrequent, but since today is MONDAY, I was able to get down to Greg's store to do my blogging. Hooray!
So there were a lot of side effects of cancer today that didn't have anything to do with my actual body. All my kids are falling apart physically, and I'm beginning to think it may be psychosomatic for all of them because to me, they just don't seem that sick. Rachel and Hunter both came home early from school today, both with stomach ailments of mysterious nature, and though Kate made it through school, she is now often complaining of eye spots, leg cramps, unidentified bruises, and other maladies. How did I become the nurse instead of the patient? So far Tadman seems to be okay, and Parker has always had mystery pains so they are nothing new to him, but I am hoping they adjust and recover so they don't all flunk out of school so late in the year.
Now back to my pain... It's always fun to talk about the adventures of going to MSTI each week. Today while I was waiting I was able to put a good 10 or 11 pieces into a puzzle in the waiting area. If I could have only stayed all day I could have finished that sucker, but alas I had to do labs so I couldn't. The good news with labs is that my surgeon did a beautiful job putting in my port so that it's almost invisible to the human eye (unless that eye is a nurse's eye), but the bad news is, all the nurses have trouble accessing it to do my blood draws because it is indeed so well concealed. So today, for the sake of saving me the inconvenience of having to take blood from the veins in my arms, they had to stick a needle into my chest SIX times before they found the golden spot and got access to that tiny little port! YOUCH! But they were so nice. Really they are nice.
Then all the computers were down so they couldn't properly analyze the blood samples, so I had to wait awhile on that, so they sent me in to see my Oncologist. Umm, my doctor is not a happy man when his computer is malfunctioning, so it was an interesting visit. I'd say "my chest felt kind of weird this week, like a lot of activity was going on in that region. Is that a normal side effect?" to which he would reply, "I just don't understand why the computer guys just can't boot it up before we get here and see if it will work when we have a full load of patients. Why can't they do that? What's so hard about a trial run? Do you get that?" Then he washed his hands twice, his stethoscope once, listened to my lungs, and gave me a prescription for heartburn. But this is a doctor that I really like when his computer is working.
Back to the lobby to put in a few more puzzle pieces (so frustrating, yet addicting) and then I was called back to the CHEMO ROOM (imagine ominous music in the background as you read this).
While I was receiving my steroids and feel good anti-nausea medication, a nice little gentleman fetched me a warm blanket and a bagel with cream cheese and some juice. Apparently I will have to take advantage of treatment days when people offer to fetch me things since my family is lanquishing at home. The volunteers at MSTI seem quite chipper and healthy. While I was eating my bagel and breathing through my mouth since I still have a stuffy nose, my great friend Sarah Nokleby called my cell phone and when I told her I was at chemo she rushed down to enjoy it with me. Then we went to lunch, because food sounds fun on Mondays! Of course I had to pick ill children up from school first, but I did enjoy lunch immensely, both the food and the conversation, and that I owe to steroids. So thank you steroids.
And thank you to Sarah who patiently waited for the ambulance run, thank you to the Stewarts for the ultimate comfort food Sunday dinner yesterday, and to my other sweet friends for the phone calls, to Karla for the signed (BY IAN JOHNSON, ULTIMATE LOCAL CELEB) BSU bag (you know what I like, Karla) and the other encouraging jokes, songs, and notes, to my Aunt Mary who is far more ill than I am but still sending me messages of hope and encouragement, and to mom and my dear sister, Heather for never taking "no" for an answer ever. Thank you all for your lovely meals. My kids are in heaven and often fight off their pains with extra portions of dessert (which actually may explain some of those bellyaches, huh?) And even though Parker told me only 2 people asked about me at church (I didn't enquire, he volunteered) I know the rest of you just talked to Greg, Rachel, or Kate. I am feeling the love, do not doubt that. And thank you Jamie for subbing for my Sunday school class not once, but twice! I really appreciate you calling and doing it so willingly. I have, I think, the greatest family and friends in all the world, and I don't think that's just the steroids talking! Now go enjoy the rest of your Monday!!

I Believe in Yesterday. Today Was Another Story.

2009-03-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was somewhat productive yesterday. When I woke up, my mom and sister were here collecting dirty laundry and folding and putting away clean laundry. I was inspired to get up and help them out. My sister has been quite remarkable in her dedication to serving my family. As I previously discussed, she has finished my bedroom, watched Taddy several times, folded many loads of laundry, brought freezer meals, and sent her husband over to do some handy manning. When we were at the temple together the same day I learned of my diagnosis, Heather told me she'd been praying to find out what direction God wanted her life to take now that her kids were growing up and leaving home. She said she'd been discouraged, because she hadn't had a definite answer to those prayers, but she believes now that the reason for the delayed answer is because she needed to have the flexibility and time to help me through this cancer treatment. I can tell you she has wholeheartedly embraced that duty. And yes, I know what a blessing she is to me!
After getting up and moving around I was feeling well enough to get some things done. I cleaned the kitchen, put some laundry away and sucked up some leaves in the yard with the Shop Vac even! I even went to a movie (Coraline) and dinner with my in-laws and the kids. I loved the movie! I was so engrossed I forgot I had cancer for a few hours. It was very artistic, with a very strong animation style and an interesting plot. You should go if you haven't.
When we returned from dinner Heather was at my house again! This time she brought several of her kids with her and they were trimming bushes and doing a spring clean-up of our entire yard. That's what prompted me to get that Shop Vac out--I helped a little with the finishing touches. She and my mom had also purchased clothes for Kate, Hunter, and Parker, and a variety of beverages for me since I have to drink so many glasses of water each day to flush out all these meds.
Unfortunately I kept busy enough that I forgot to keep up with my anti-nausea medicines, so come late evening I was feeling a little weak and weepy--like I felt a lot of Thursday. I have evidence now that the meds actually do something! Rachel came to my aid and made sure I caught up and then sweetly helped me up to bed, and the nausea was much better in the morning, but in its place was a nasty cold with lots of nose running and sneezing.
So I've been much less energetic today and have achieved very little other than watching a few basketball games and napping in a warm snugly blanket with Tadman and Kate.
Greg was well enough to go to work for part of the day, the kids all went to the Y, and Tadman got a few rides in daddy's "huck" (truck), so everyone was active and doing but me.
Even though I've been down physically today I have really enjoyed the time with my family. Tadman is adorable and so much fun, Kate did a fashion show for me, Parker gave me lots of hugs and kisses, and Hunter was my guy for drinks and medicines and anything else I needed. Rachel took the day off for a change and enjoyed shopping and friends, but has been a calming presence ever since she returned home.
As I approach the end of my first week of cancer treatment here are my observations. Yes, the treatment will at times be hard, and sometimes very hard, but it's nice to have a reason to cut the non-essentials of life, to spend more time with my family, to say "no" without guilt or second thought, to let people help. I feel so much closer to so many people already, and I think that's a great side effect. I'm enjoying your comments about my blog and I'm glad my friends are reading it. I'm filled with gratitude for your prayers and support.

Reality Has Set In. I Won't Be the First Energetic, Vibrant Chemo Patient Ever.

2009-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today I hit the chemo wall, I think. I got a little taste of what I'm in for for the next 11 weeks and 3 days. Yeah, that's right, I'm already reduced to counting the days.
I woke up with an upset stomach and I have one now, and it's been the same every minute in between. It's not nausea. It's that feeling of hating all food, but knowing you'll feel much worse if you don't eat. Just 2 days ago I liked food a lot, but today I don't care to ever think, smell, or taste food ever again.
I am able to do a lot of the things I normally do, however. I cleaned the kitchen, took care of Tadman and gave him a bath, and folded socks today. Hooray! I actually like the feeling of accomplishing something.
Rachel took me to get a Whopper in the early afternoon because I couldn't think of anything else I thought I could eat. We also got some cat food and Biotene Toothpaste. It was recommended by my dentist to help prevent the mouth sores that often come with chemo.
Greg was still sick and stayed home today. We kept him pretty isolated to try to prevent spreading his illness around the house. Unfortunately I'm afraid to go anywhere near him, so Rachel's been warming soup and fetching medicines and liquids for him. She's been wonderful to both of us, poor girl.
I got a little afternoon nap today under a nice warm blanket. I fell asleep to "Pride and Prejudice" which is always very soothing to me. The little kids (Hunter on down) were with their grandma and Ron at the family fun center formerly called Boondocks. It was nice to have the peace and quiet so the ill old folks in the family could sleep.
We had another lovely meal tonight--I was actually able to eat it!--and I watched a little NCAA tournament action. That was almost enough to make me feel good!
The best moment of the day came when I was getting Taddy's jammies on. He gave me the best, tightest hugs as I changed him. Feeling his sweet, soft warm little body in my arms was the best. It made the sadness, the stomach, and the fear all melt away for a few minutes. How fortunate I feel to have that little friend in my home while I endure this treatment. Everything about him exudes life and hope!!
Thank you friends for the food and the phone calls and checking in on me. I really do appreciate the support and you are making a difference. Continue to pray for me, especially that I'll be able bear this cancer treatment with courage and hope.

The Bedroom Looks Great, the Husband, Not So Much

2009-03-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

A little bit of a routine is starting to emerge. Taddy and Kate come into my bedroom, I take a Compazine to prevent nausea, I drink a huge bottle of water to flush all these meds through my system, I give myself a little Neupogen shot, then try to think of something to eat with my 4 chemo pills so I won't get sick once they hit my stomach. It's all kind of a game to keep one step in front of the stomach upset everyone has warned me to be very afraid of. So far I haven't had any nausea, but today I feel a lot like I did during pregnancies--kind of tired, kind of upset stomach, kind of blah, but nothing terrible.
The routine was broken up a little today when my sister and her husband and kids showed up to do some work in my room. Heather has a degree in interior design and has a great flair for accessorizing homes, so I asked her if she would spruce up my bedroom a little since I'll be spending a fair amount of time there in the next few months. She very graciously agreed, and has worked non-stop ever since selecting just the right things. Today she brought her crew over to put things in place. I will include a picture tomorrow when the placement is perfected. Her husband, Kelly, sons Landon, Colton, and Bowen, and her daughter Brooklyn were all working away in there, the younger kids folding my laundry when their other assignments were complete. It was great in every way. I loved the energy they brought to our house, the fun, and the service too. They are a great family!
Just as they were finishing up, bad news arrived. Greg came home from work shivering and shaking and nauseated. After taking his temperature (102.5 degrees) and giving him some Tylenol, I threw a blanket in his direction and spent the rest of the evening staying as far away from him as possible. He thinks he picked this little bug up at basketball practice where a coach and a couple of players have had the same symptoms. Normally I laugh in germs' faces, but on chemotherapy you are supposed to go to the emergency room if your temperature reaches 100.5 and I really don't want to go to the emergency room! We've decided to switch every one's bedroom assignments around in the hopes of avoiding the dreaded infection, so Greg's in Parker's bed, Parker's in Kate's, and Kate's sleeping with me. Hopefully that will help.

A Little Neupogen Injection, A Lot of Gratitude!

2009-03-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day, both because I feel good and because my visit to MSTI took only a few minutes. While I was there I learned how to give myself Neupogen injections at home, which is great for me, because I need them 4 times a week and that's a lot of trips to MSTI! It isn't as gross as you'd think. All you need is clean hands, and alcohol wipe, a syringe, and a little body fat to squish--so I'm in!

Neupogen is a medication designed to promote white blood cell production in the body. It works by amping up cell production in the bone marrow. A possible side effect of the medication is an achy sensation in the large bones of the body kind of like when you're getting the flu. If the pain becomes too intense, the doctor will sometimes let you skip the Friday shot, otherwise you just keep taking them. These shots come with serious sticker shock--our portion of the costs AFTER INSURANCE was $1,200. WHAT?

Since the medical portion of my blog is short today, I want to use this space as a THANK YOU card of sorts (since my friends have forbidden me to write individual thank you notes). I have so many people to thank for many many acts of kindness. If I forget you PLEASE forgive me. Your thought is no less appreciated.

I want to thank my sister-in-law Valerie who picked me up the morning of my surgery, drove me to the hospital, waited patiently while I checked in, did surgery prep, and had anesthesia. She talked with my doctors after the surgery, and was with me immediately when I woke up. I want to thank my sweet niece Ashley for arranging the best of the best to help me through every second of that procedure. She was even in the operating room with me and her beautiful smiling eyes were my last visual before I succumbed to the anesthetic.

I want to thank my mom and my sister Heather for freezer meals, laundry folding, and bedroom decorating, and my brother-in-law Kelly for being my personal handyman--putting safety locks on my doors so Tadman can't escape, and installing a very handsome drapery rod in my room.

I want to thank Jesse McOmber for accepting the full time job of being our home teacher, and for coming to our house on Sunday evening to give us a message of hope, and then assisting Greg with healing and father's blessings, and then giving Greg a very sweet blessing of his own.

My friend Laurie Gabrielsen showed up near the end to present me with a huge basket of notes, food, lotions, candles, socks, chocolate, and other lovely goodies. I'm pretty sure I cried at each note I opened. Justine Powell sent delicious chocolate cookies for a perfect Sunday night treat, and Sister Johnston sent a beautiful doll and card. Annette's gift of the little boy with the hope balloon really touched me, as did Becca Brienholt's story of the lady losing her hair. I will try to be as optimistic as that lady, Becca!

I am grateful to all the sisters in the ward who sent freezer meals and continue to send food. We've had the best wheat bread, the best desserts, soups, and rolls. My kids will be sadly disappointed when I'm the only cook again!

Thank you to Mindy Johnson and Justine for babysitting Tadman. What a relief it is to leave him in the homes of trusted friends who love him!

Thank you to Ted and Jan for the bouquet of spring flowers. That'll lift your mood in a hurry!

Thank you to Greg's mom and step dad for the many, many, many times they have stepped in, sometimes at the last moment, and taken over the management of the kids. Thanks to them my kids have gotten to their appointments and practices, been fed and clothed and washed, and especially and most importantly, watched over. Along they way they've fixed a bike, a cabinet knob, killed ants, folded clothes and loved Tadman so well he'd rather be with them than anyone else.

Thank you for everyone who had called or visited to offer encouragement and support. I've really liked talking to my great family and friends on the phone and have had some better than ever conversations.

Thank you to Connie McMurray for happily stepping in to finish off my end of school year duties as Mrs. Lane's room parent. She's doing it ALL for me, a mere acquaintance of hers. I am sure we are acquaintances no longer but now great friends!

Thank you to Kristina Aceves ( I hope I got the spelling correct!) who filled me in on all the details of cancer treatment and made me believe I could do it!

I also had a fabulous and encouraging talk with my friend Paula Pulley about cancer treatment and the great things it can inspire in kids. I hope my kids will step up and care for each other and get stronger and closer from this experience. I hear it's happened before.

I want to thank Valerie Davis for the card, the book and the lucky bamboo. I need lucky bamboo right now! Val, with the help of Barb Fletcher, is also covering all my Football Booster duties but letting me keep my dignified TREASURER title. They're even gonna let me back in when the season starts. Thank you girls!

Thanks to our friends and partners in business Betsy and Michael Layton. Betsy sent a lovely card and candle and Michael helped Greg with inventory when Greg was at the NCAA basketball games. Who's da' man!!

I appreciate all the guys that work with my husband and help him keep business going in a sluggish economy.

Thank you to my family for hanging in there with me through better or worse as they say, to Hunter for shaving his head, to Rachel being my first chemo companion, to Parker for increasing greatly his hugs and kisses, to Kate for keeping me on my toes and always wanting to do something fun, to Tadman for occassionally cuddling even though breast feeding has been abruptly withdrawn, and to Greg for feeling just the same about me as he felt before I had cancer. Oh, and for paying all my exorbitant medical bills!

Thank you to Joe Gabrielsen and Mike Hyde for coming over at the last minute and giving me a healing blessing before my surgery. That one worked to perfection. I recovered from that surgery in no time.

Thank you to my friends Sarah Nokleby and Melissa McOmber for helping me start this blog so I can spread the word about the joys and pains of cancer treatment and keep everyone well informed--right now you're probably feeling a little too well informed--of my progress.

And thank you to Becky Phillips for taking some BEFORE pictures with me and my family just in case the AFTER is unrecognizable. Plus, I'll be so happy to have some up-to-date family pictures for the blog! YEAH BECKY!

As you can see I have an army of well wishers in my corner, praying constantly for my well being, and that is a GREAT feeling! I sincerely love you all and thank you most humbly for your instincts of goodness and for spreading that goodness in my direction. You are all da' bomb, baby!

Today's to-do list: Kate and Parker to dentist, Rachel's ears re-pierced, chemo infusion, grocery store.

2009-03-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

Chemotherapy and Spring Break may not go together as well as you'd think. Instead of arranging play dates and swimming and movies I spent much of the day at MSTI being readied for my first treatment.
I wasn't expecting the hardest part of chemo being the calls from my kids from home needing rides and lunch and parental permission to go to a friends', but 2 or 3 hours is a huge wait for excited kids with no school.
I ended up waiting quite awhile, so I had plenty of time to field the kids' phone calls. Unfortunately I couldn't do much to help them. My wait had a funky effect on the MSTI staff as well. Because of a queuing error, Rachel and I ended up waiting an hour and twenty minutes before they got me started on my lab draws, and everyone was looking for a scapegoat. The nurse was angry with the receptionist, the nurses in the chemo room were angry with the scheduler, and the nurse helping me was angry with the petite power port I'd been fitted with, and mad at my doctor's funky orders that didn't follow "normal" protocol. It was intense for awhile. Where was my happy place?
This story does have a pleasant ending, however. Eventually I did get the chemo, anti-nausea meds, steroids, and anti-anxiety fluids I was promised, everyone got over finger pointing and did their job pleasantly, and Grandma Dee and Ron swooped in to make sure the kids at home got where they wanted and needed to go. I even got a roast beef sandwich and a little cup of strawberry ice cream out of the deal. Score!
The more impressive score has been my reaction to the chemo so far (knock on wood, of course).
I honestly feel pretty much normal so far. I've been grocery shopping, to the YMCA (where I got a hug from my empathetic friend and breast cancer survivor, Kristina) and enjoyed a comforting evening meal made by other empathetic friends.
I also got to spend almost all day with a dear sweet daughter who oozed composure, kindness, and fun throughout. You can't beat that. It wasn't without bumps, so in that way it was just like any old day. I can do this. I aspire to be the comedienne of the chemo room! Not that the competition is that tough . . . Tomorrow on to self-administered Nupigen shots! Hurrah!!

Born Under A Bad Sign (yup, I'm a Cancer, and I've GOT CANCER!)

2009-03-23T00:33:00.000-07:00

Life has been a little bumpy since my husband saw an e-mail about a new form of breast cancer and challenged me to go to the doctor and have a suspicious area on my left breast checked out.
I knew immediately that my doctor was concerned, and had that confirmed when he got me a mammogram appointment the very next day. The mammogram was suspicious enough to merit a needle biopsy the next day, and the pathology report verified all prior suspicions. On Tuesday, March 3 at about 8 a.m. I got the call confirming that I had breast cancer. But I think I'd known for awhile, or at least been prepared to hear the news. I'd been prepared by the pictures on the original e-mail that had an uncanny resemblance to my body, by my doctor's concern, by the mammogram that showed an undeniable lump, and even by the last few book club books that my book club had selected--one about a girl with leukemia, one about Randy Paush's "Last Lecture" before he died of pancreatic cancer, and the last about a man's experiences in the Spirit World while his body was in coma. So I was not surprised to hear the diagnosis, but there was no way for me to be fully prepared to understand all the ways having breast cancer has already changed and will continue to change me and my family.
Once diagnosed, doctors' appointments have become a new part of my daily routine, my already extremely busy daily routine. Since that Tuesday morning just a few weeks ago I have met with surgeons and oncologists, I've had MRI's, ultrasounds, and PETscans, I've had surgery to remove a diseased gall bladder and place a port in my chest through which I will receive chemotherapy. I've discussed alternative treatment plans and taken a chemotherapy preparation class. I've even had my teeth cleaned.
I've had countless calls and cards from family and friends concerned for my well being and the well being of my family. I've had a couple of great intimate lunches with dear friends wanting to encourage me. I've had two priesthood blessings, visited the temple with my mom and sister, prayed a lot, tried my best to explain things to my kids so they'll understand the gravity of the situation and yet also be assured that there is great reason for hope that together we'll all get through this, and I've recognized how blind I have been to the suffering of my fellow human beings while I've been busy with my own life, and know that through this experience I don't think I'll ever be that blind again.
So tomorrow, which in a different year would be memorable only as my kids' first day of Spring Break, I go in for the first of 24 weekly chemotherapy sessions. The sessions last about 2 hours each, and on the 4 days following each session I'll be giving myself shots designed to boost my white blood cell count so my body will be able to fight off infection--and I've got a 2-year-old so I'll need those white blood cells! My seventeen-year-old daughter Rachel will be with me as I begin this journey to unknown places, and I'll be so glad to have her there!
After chemotherapy there will be surgery and radiation to think about, but I'm just gonna focus on taking this thing one day at a time. I'll worry about that stuff as it comes.
I want to thank my Heavenly Father for the tender mercies he's given me to get me through this cancer treatment. He's given me a brother who's been through cancer treatment twice and completely empathizes with my experience, he's given me a gorgeous niece who just happens to be a nurse in surgery at St. Luke's and made sure I was expertly and tenderly taken care of during my gall bladder procedure, he's given ME cancer and spared my husband, who wouldn't have been able to work as hard as he has to if this was his diagnosis, and my children, who I won't have to watch suffer. He's given me kind friends who care, neighbors who care, and acquaintances who have been willing to step in and take responsibilities off my shoulders. He's given me a sister who is beautifying my room, buying my family food, and folding my clothes simultaneously with her family's blessing and assistance. I've received calls and notes and e-mails of love and support from all my great brothers and sisters and from my brothers' wives and from nieces and nephews. Another tender mercy is receiving this treatment just as the weather's warming up so I won't be freezing cold while I go through it! I feel love all around me, and I feel my Savior's love, and that love will certainly sustain me for the next 24 weeks.
Here I go, out to the great wide open. I'll keep you posted.