I Blame the Aliens

I keep waiting to feel any kind of inspiration to write, and it's not happening, so I'll write anyway in the hope that it will come to me as I go.
Having never done cancer treatment before, I am not sure if what I'm experiencing at this point in the course of things is typical or not. My old roller coaster ride has gone flat, not at the peak, but at the valley, or maybe below the valley in the underground caverns, and I'm just down there now, noticing how different I've become, not seeing my blessings, but only my weaknesses which are growing exponentially. It really feels like my body is dying from the extremities in--the tips of my fingers and the bottoms of my feet and much of my brain seem dead already. I don't even recognize myself. The first time Rachel and I went to MSTI we looked at the frail, pale skinned, bald patients and wondered what I was doing there. Now I fit right in.
I am so tired of my weaknesses, my huge limitations, my ineffectiveness as a mother, my powerlessness as a woman and homemaker. I realize probably a lot of these feelings are the drugs--maybe even all of them, but in my weakened state I feel more like rolling over and going comatose than like battling the demons.
Having my kids home with me isn't inspiring the happy togetherness I was unrealistically looking forward to. Surprisingly, like every other summer, the period of adjustment to summer is ripe with conflict and turmoil and increased disorganization and messiness. There's a lot of "he took my i-pod" and "I don't want her to swim with us" and "my friends think he's weird". None of it is really unexpected or different that other summers, but I feel so different, I thought that would rub off on my family.
So I'm going to dig deep here to think of some good things that happened this week. I loved the thunder, lightning and rain. Weather like that is spectacular, and rain in Boise--always good. I enjoyed working in my yard for a half hour here and there this week. To me nothing is more satisfying and therapeutic than yard work. I had a lovely nap with Tadman this week, and that almost never happens any more. I enjoyed the Saturday morning breakfast for Janet Caufield's birthday. It was good to see Julie Brann before she left and to be with friends on a Saturday morning. It was fun to see Kate playing with her friend Andrew Hill before he moves to Virginia. They had such a good time together and played so contentedly. It was good to have Rachel come home from Legacy yesterday afternoon and suggest that she and I go to dinner and a movie together. We had Thai food at the Pad Thai House, the best Thai food in Boise, had dip cones at Fanci Freeze, the best dip cones in Boise, and then went to "The Soloist" at the Flicks, almost certainly not the best movie playing in Boise, but Rachel's company is always a treat.
Please know that I continue to be grateful for the physical, emotional, moral, and spiritual support I get from family and friends on a daily basis. If I seem less appreciative, please remember I am not myself, hopefully not even close to myself, and that I hope the aliens return me to my body someday. Or maybe they have my body--I'm not sure how that works.