Merry Christmas To Our Families and Friends. We Couldn't Have Made it Through 2009 Without YOU!

I made it! I somehow managed to do the shopping, the trimming, the concerts, the recitals, the wrestling meets, AND the radiation. I am now through with 19 of 30 treatments, all my physical therapy appointments, and all but a few final doctors appointments. It's almost time to face life after cancer without all the extra help and support and without the excuses. I'm not sure what that life's going to be like yet, but I won't worry about that now. January is for looking ahead--December is for reflection upon the year past.
In our family, 2009 will forever be remembered as the year Margi was diagnosed with breast cancer, or more officially, moderately differentiated ductal carcinoma, grade 2-3, estrogen positive, her 2 negative. The diagnosis came on March 3, just days after Hunter celebrated his 15th birthday with friends at Chuck E. Cheese's (Yup, that's right, 15th, Chuck E. Cheese's). The very next day I met with a surgeon and an oncologist, and on March 13 prepared for a long and grueling cancer treatment regimen by having my gall bladder removed and a port placed (the port makes chemotherapy more convenient because it can be accessed easily without having to access a vein for injections and blood draws). Surgery was followed by six months of chemotherapy, a mastectomy of the left breast, and radiation. So except for January and February, my family and I have been doing this all year. Amazingly enough, with the exception of a few awful weeks in early summer when I suffered through pneumonia, life for the Nettles has been pretty much business as usual.
Greg somehow managed to hang on to The Stereo Shoppe in spite of the horrible economic conditions, but he had to do it with fewer employees and six day work weeks. Early in the year he was balancing family, work, my doctor's appointments, and coaching Hunter's AAU basketball team. Looking back on it I'm not sure how he did it, but it was worth it, because he really enjoys coaching. Like lots of other men in their mid 40's, Greg was hoping to be working less at this point in his life, but I know he's very grateful he's still able to support the family, and of course, the medical insurance was invaluable this year!
Perhaps the only family member busier than Greg is Rachel. She added a boyfriend, speech and debate, and jazz band to an already very full plate. Perhaps my diagnosis has been more of a burden to her than to the other kids. She's done more worrying and more babysitting this year than last. She's still playing cello, still an excellent student, and she's in the process of choosing a college for next year. She's been accepted to Willamette and College of Idaho, waiting to hear from University of Puget Sound and Whitworth, and still planning on applying to University of Utah.
Hunter's year started with basketball, moved to spring football, then on to summer football, followed by the actual football season (he played for both JV and varsity teams), and now he's moved on to WRESTLING! We're all getting used to a culture we've never been exposed to before--the world of sweaty singlets, ringworm infested mats, and stat girls. Oh how I miss basketball! But Hunter is learning quickly, getting super fit, and has already won a tournament, so I guess it's worth it. He's a half a merit badge and an Eagle project away from being an Eagle Scout, and when he gets that taken care of he's looking forward to taking driver's training. He remains a delightful kid to spend time with.
As Rachel and Hunter pursue music and athletics, Parker draws, and makes movies, and listens to music and reworks his wardrobe. He's an incredibly creative kid. This year he's attending an alternative middle school, Pathways. It emphasises smaller class sizes and a no failure policy. There are no zeros given, and the teachers expect the students to finish all work, no matter how long it takes. He loved it at first, and is not quite so sure now, but he's plugging away and trying hard to be a good student. He's also taking care of several family pets, including our bunny, Oreo, and our cat, Lucky. We're all mourning the passing of our beloved gecko, a pet Parker'd taken care of for several years.
Like a lot of younger kids in a family, Kate seems to want to try everything. She's taking piano lessons, dancing, and going to achievement days for church every other week. During the past year she's done cheerleading, gymnastics, basketball, and soccer as well. She loves going to Rachel's concerts, Hunter's games, and Parker's doctor's appointments. She's a great big sister to Tadman and plays with him delightfully. She loves friends, school, church, and pretty much everything. My favorite thing about Kate is her enthusiastic anticipation of upcoming events. I get excited right along with her. She's really looking forward to starting violin lessons next year, and playing in the Joplin orchestra.
And we all adore Tadman, who will be turning three January 26th. Tadman loves trucks, cars, diggers, trailers, RVs, ATVs, and everything with wheels. He can be sweet and cuddly (most of the time) or occasionally loud and bossy. We're not sure which of us he is emulating. He brings happiness and joy to everyone in the family. We all delight in the cute things he says, the way he looks, and everything he does. It's been a trying year for little Taddy. He's gone from nursing and being tended by his mom all the time, to being unexpectedly and abruptly weened and spending lots of time with aunts, grandmas, and friends. It's been hard on him, and harder on me! The best thing about being done with treatment will be reestablishing a routine for Tadman.
2009 will not easily be forgotten. We've learned to accept our limitations and with those limitations, lots of help from others. I've learned that much of my life was extracurricular, and I've been able to eliminate a few things. When you're forced to examine your life and what's of the greatest importance, very few things make the cut. Faith, family, love, service are about it.
We couldn't have made it through the year without the prayers and support of our family and friends. Hot meals came for months. My sisters and sisters-in-law, nieces, mom, and mother-in-law did so much to help, including laundry, cleaning, mending, babysitting, shopping, decorating, listening, visiting, checking on kids, and many other acts of service. Cards and notes and phone calls helped. Talking to friends who'd recently undergone cancer treatment was invaluable. And somehow by going through this experience I feel more blessed and fortunate than ever before. How happy I am to be alive, to feel good, to snuggle with my Taddy, or go to dinner and a movie with Rachel, to dance with Kate, watch Hunter make a monster block, or see one of Parker's amazing drawings.
How we appreciate having you as friends and family! If we haven't kept in touch, know it's not because we don't care. We think of you often and send best wishes to you all. Thank you for being a part of our lives and enriching our experience.

There's Much to Be Thankful For!

I can't believe it's been since November 17 since I've blogged! I've been busy celebrating Thanksgiving and counting my blessings--and eating, of course.
I'm not sure if I can even remember all that's happened since the 17th, but I'll try to hit the biggies.
I guess my biggest new thing is radiation. I started on Monday, and so far have lived through 3 treatments. Talking with my doctor and taking the preparatory education class didn't prepare me for the harsh realities of radiation treatments. I guess I must be different from a lot of people, because I've been told over and over that radiation is no big deal, lots better than chemo, etc., but I hate it. Nothing is more isolating and dehumanizing than being laid on a slab of metal, told to lay there like a dead person while two technicians pull you with a sheet until your body is perfectly aligned under a lazer beam, and then left by yourself while the technicians retreat behind a 24-inch-thick door that protects them from the treatment they're giving you. That and the big warning sign in caps that reads, "Danger! High radiation area" have me not loving my new cancer erradicating phase. The good news--I get Christmas and New Year's Days off! Greg says I'm crazy, but give me 6 weeks more chemo any day!
While I'm fighting cancer, family life inevitably goes on. All of us spent a quick but lovely couple of days up in Donnelly with Greg's mom and her husband, Ron, for Thanksgiving. We had great food, a comfortable warm cabin to sleep in, ATV riding, satellite TV for football games, and even a little snow, but not so much that we couldn't drive home. Thanksgiving evening we had a chance to say what we were thankful for, and I mentioned the good health of my kids and husband. What a great blessing that is! Our home teacher, Jesse McOmber, challenged us to write down 100 things we were thankful for, and also pray for ten minutes straight just about our blessings. Cute little Kate came up with 50 things she was grateful for before the rest of us even got a chance. Rachel wrote that she was thankful for the abacus, and other such witticisms, and it ended up that we needed more room. The praying thing wasn't hard for me either. It's easy to fill up 10 minutes with thankyous to Heavenly Father. I appreciate Jesse for giving us the opportunity to recognize all we have!
Our Thanksgiving dinner was flanked by two spaghetti dinners at Centennial. Right before the holiday Rachel's orchestra had a fundraising dinner, and this week Hunter's wrestling team did the same. Greg has had his fill of fundraising opportunities at Centennial. With football, orchestra, and wrestling all raising funds, we'd be money ahead if we just paid outright for the trips and camps we're helping our kids raise money for. Funny how that works, isn't it. The people with the kids in the activities who are already shelling out the cash are also the fundraising pool. Here's another great opportunity to be thankful. Greg still has a job so our kids are still able to hit us up for fundraisers!
Can I just say that even with all my blessings acknowledged and appreciated, life is proving to be a little stressful for me. Christmas season, which I somehow manage to love in spite of rampant commercialism, is a very busy time for me under the best of circumstances. This year I have 27 more radiation treatments thrown into the mix. I hope I can provide a meaningful and happy season for my kids in the midst of it all. My friends are trying to help by coming to decorate my house with me this Friday. I am VERY thankful for friends!
I'm lovin' water aerobics, books, college football, the new basketball season, sweet and fleeting moments with Tadman as I hand him off to grandmas, and prayer right now. Those warm things keep me going back to that cold metal slab. Thanks to my mom for helping get Taddy ready for the YMCA in the mornings and helping me make beds and fold clothes. I'm incredibly far behind. Congratulations to my sister Heather and her daughter Brennan. My sister just became a grandmother for the first time!
Continue to pray for me. Pray that this scary radiation won't fry areas of my body that I'm going to need later. Pray that I'll somehow be able to be the mom my kids need through it all. Pray that my husband won't give up before this trial is over, and pray that after my last treatment is over,my family will get a little reprieve from the growth opportunities available only through trials. Thanks for reading, and enjoy this all too brief Christmas season!

Some Days Hope Is A Pumpkin Waffle

Okay, so I'm comfortable with the writing part of blogging, but I am most uncomfortable with the technical part, so I'd like to have these pictures with each of my kids (courtesy of Becky Phillips) scattered throughout my update, but since I can't figure out how to do that, you'll just have to see them all together in this business-like and non-artistic fashion. I put them in today because I am so happy to still be doing my life's work--raising my kids, and every day I'm a little closer to being back to full strength and back to being as involved in their day-to-day lives as I'd like to be, but I still have a little way to go.
Last Friday while most of them were at school, I went to my first appointment with Dr. Tonya Kuhn, my newest addition to my stable of physicians. She's adorable, petite, personable, and professional. She started out by letting me know about all the long and short term possible side effects of radiation--the short term being fatigue, surface burns, and scarring, and the long term being possible lung problems or contracting another, less treatable kind of cancer. But according to the research that's been conducted on the matter, the insurance against the spread of this cancer outweighs the possibility of these bad side effects, so I signed up for my next round of torture, this time 30 sessions (5 weekly for 6 weeks) of radiation treatments. I have an appointment this Friday to be scanned and marked so the radiation will be in just the right spot, and then if everything goes as planned I will start the radiation the Monday after Thanksgiving and finish up the week after the BCS National Champion has been crowned. I'll have a lot of good football games in the meantime to distract me from the pain and fatigue.
Speaking of football, Hunter's season is now officially, officially over. We've been to the JV banquet, and last night the varsity banquet. He's received praise from his coaches and his varsity letter for football, and has now turned his attention to basketball. He tried out last Friday and has made the Sophomore team, which we're happy about because he'll get more playing time than he would on JV. Now he has to put in a few weeks of practice before we get to enjoy basketball season, which very few people realize is actually my favorite game to watch on the high school level, so that's something else for me to look forward to while I'm being radiated!
While Hunter's been finishing up football, Rachel has been busy applying to colleges and working on all kinds of music. She's been officially accepted and offered money to attend Willamette University in Salem, Oregon. She's currently working on applications to University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, University of Utah, College of Idaho, and a few more to be determined. It's challenging to find the time to get the necessary paperwork done when she has several AP classes and orchestras and quartets to rehearse with. The Boise Philharmonic Youth Orchestra, in which she plays, will have it's first concert of the season this Sunday.
The younger kids get to tag along to the football banquets and concerts. Parker just got a perfect attendance award for the first quarter at Pathways Middle School, Kate is working hard on homework and piano practicing in the evenings, and her hard work is paying off, and Taddy is watching "Cars" 3 or 4 times a day, playing with his truck and trailer and Lightnin' McQueen car, and taking cool side trips with his Grandma Dee and Ron. Just last week they took him up to Donnelly to stay at the cabin a few days and winterize the ATVs. Tadman was delighted with the trip, and it was nice to have a little free time without him, but I cried when he left. Having him to take care of really keeps me going.
Speaking of keeping going, I am pretty pleased to say I made it back to water aerobics yesterday. I am hoping, and needing, to get more mobility back in my left arm before radiation starts and I think water aerobics should help. It was great to be back basking in the healthy glow of my instructor, Tammi, and all the kind people in the class who have sent me cards, flowers, and messages of encouragement since we first met. The hardest part was the stretching at the end, but that was probably of the most value to my old, stiff body. For some reason as I type that kooky song "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor keeps coming to mind, my own personal little cancer anthem.
So as I raise my kids and face impending radiation treatments, here's what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for personal prayer, because when I'm up late nights, contemplating more treatment, feeling weak and small, thinking I can't do this one more day, I pray, and then I seem to be able to drift off, and when I wake up in the morning things seem much better. I'm thankful for extra blankets, because it's COLD outside. Obviously I'm thankful to be undergoing treatment in the best sports season of the year, when you can watch a good basketball game and a great football game in the same week, and sometimes even on the same day! I'm thankful my husband's somehow making a living with a retail store, and that I have interesting, creative, challenging children to raise. I'm thankful for all the help my mom and sister have given me in the laundry and bed making department. I admit that when they don't come to help many times nothing gets done. And although I've already mentioned him, I'm thankful to have Tadman with me each day, because in his eyes I haven't changed at all. I'm just Mommy.
And thanks to Becky for arranging and cooking a SWEET little visiting teaching brunch this morning. What a nice breakfast with friends! When life is hard, pumpkin waffles somehow make everything a little bit better.

Yankin' Drains, Parent Teacher Conferences, Eighteenth Birthdays, and Other Pains

I've taken one step closer to independence this morning. My sister, Heather, who has been coming to my house every school morning for the last few weeks to get Kate off to school, lift and dress Tadman, make beds, and do laundry, is coming no more. We're seeing if I can do this thing on my own again. It will be significantly easier now that both of my JP drains have been removed (or should I say YANKED OUT!) and now I just have little festering wounds on my side, and even those will soon be gone. The only remaining physical ailment caused by the mastectomy is the numb, dead feeling on my left side, and that will be with me for a long time, if not forever.
On a lighter note, please take a moment to look at my little running back son, Hunter, at his last JV game. I wrote all about it in my last blog, but now you have the visual to go along with the description of the wondrous event. Even through chemo treatments and surgeries, going to Hunter's football games this season was a highlight of my life. It's hard to feel old and sick when you're around all that youthful enthusiasm. I very much look forward to next season when I anticipate him being a full time varsity player--and a dominant force on the offensive line!
As Hunter anticipates moving on to basketball season, I am anticipatin radiation treatments. I have my first appointment with the radiologist this Friday, and she will get me marked up and scheduled and ready to roll on radiation. Cancer treatment is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Actually it's like a marathon over hilly terrain. Some parts have felt like going straight up mountains, and other parts like the downhill side. I am still missing my time in the chemo suite and feel a pang of lonliness when I drive past MSTI to see Dr. Livingston, but maybe eventually that feeling will fade. I've never been a cancer patient before, so I don't know if you ever stop feeling like a patient and start feeling like just a regular person again.
In the midst of having drains pulled I was attending parent/teacher conferences and celebrating Rachel's 18th birthday this week. Although the kids are doing very well in school for the most part (and Parker MUCH better than last year!) it was hard to hear from Kate's teacher that she sees sadness in Kate sometimes, and especially in the weeks leading up to my surgery. It's hard to see my family suffer because of me, or what I'm going through. The girls and Greg feel it the most, and are struggling in their lives as a result. That part is much worse than any physical pain or exhaustion I might feel.
Rachel celebrated turning 18 with a family game night and Thai food, and with a separate party at The Stereo Shoppe with friends. I stressed a lot about the friend party, because with Rachel's busy schedule she wasn't able to fill me in on many details until the last minute, but we bought some great desserts, some white roses, a few cute plates and napkins, and rented a couple of movies, and I'm not sure if she loved her party, but at least the food display looked great! Rachel's been a pure joy to me for the last eighteen plus years. If she ever gets to the point where she sees herself the way I see her, as a kind, clever, intelligent, talented, stunning, near perfect young woman, she will make a great impact on the world when she leaves our home late next summer. I only hope she never forgets how much she has to offer.
Well, I will go now so I can attempt some laundry and bed making. I know I will not be able to do it as well as Heather has done these past few weeks, but maybe the attempt will help me begin to feel I have something to contribute again.

My Prescription? Football, Cute Costumed Kids, and Sisters!

So much has happened in the week and few days since the big surgery. It's hard to believe one can have a mastectomy and still have so much life to live while the healing process is underway, but when you're a mom, that's just the way you roll.
Since surgery Hunter's football season has come to a close in a most dramatic fashion. His JV team won what was essentially the district championship by beating Borah in the snow BEFORE HALLOWEEN EVEN on Thursday night. Hunter bugged his coach enough that on the final drive of the game Hunter was allowed to line up as running back after borrowing a jersey so he'd have a legal number to play running back. He ended up gaining 6 yards, and then Centennial's quarterback took a knee just feet away from the end zone to run out the clock. Hey, it would have been great if he'd scored a touchdown, but I'm sure he's happy with a season in which he and his team won 9 games, he recorded his first official tackle while playing defensive line, and gained 6 yards rushing as running back. What a great season!
The very next night he got a chance to be with the Varsity team as they faced Eagle in the district playoffs for their chance to advance to the state tournament. I must admit I didn't give Centennial much of a chance after the way they played the week before at Meridian, but they really played well, and ALMOST won. Unfortunately, Eagle scored late and Centennial was unable to answer, although they came close. The kids on the team, especially the seniors, seemed very sad to be eliminated, but for Hunter, I think he was a little bit happy to have the season over. He is excited, however, for a chance to be a real contributor on next year's varsity team. He got a little taste this year, but next year, it's on! Centennial's definitely due for a state championship.
Right before Hunter's JV game on Thursday, my sister-in-law, Val, picked me up to take Taddy and I to the Joplin Elementary Halloween parade and party. That's was a great place for healing to take place, watching hundreds of adorable fresh-faced kids excitedly don costumes for their chance to show their stuff. I love the kids who really get into character and make those costumes come alive. Unfortunately Tadman refused to put his bat costume on, so Kate had to roam the halls without him. We never did get that costume on Tadman, but he was pretty cute as himself!
Halloween day was a great occassion for rebuilding strength and stamina. I woke up to a little College Game Day, as is my usual practice on Saturday mornings, and then spent a little extra time getting ready for the BSU/San Jose State game. It's not that I was putting on a special costume or anything--I just need a little extra time to empty my drains and put my clothes on. I'm still a little tender on that left side, and it's still hard to get shirts on and off, and I need extras when I'm going to be out in the cold for 3 and a half hours. As always, I really enjoyed the game. I was, however, as shadow of my regular self in the cheering department. No vigorous clapping and screaming at this game. How lucky are we to get to watch the seventh ranked team in all of college football? I feel lucky!
After the game it was time to focus on the kids and their enjoyment of Halloween (and of course watch Oregon and USC play on TV!). When we got home Parker and Kate were already out trick-or-treating with friends. We got to watch Rachel and her friend, John, become Sweeny Todd and the meat pie lady. It took them several hours to get the finishing touches just right!
With Halloween in the rear view mirror, I spent the day yesterday at doctor's appointments. Dr. Montgomery seemed very pleased with the findings of the pathology report from my surgery. He liked my "margins" so much, and the only one node showing any sign of cancer, that he actually applauded. I think that's good. While at MSTI I got to see my old friends in the chemo suite as I had a blood test and had my port flushed (every month or 2,000 miles, whichever comes first).
At Dr. Livingston's my incision was examined and admired and it was determined that 1of the 2 drains could be removed. I was promised a pain-free experience by Dr. Livingston, and although it was PAINFUL, it is a thrill to get a drain out. Oh, happy day when drain number 2 comes out too, hopefully at the end of the week.
As I was at the doctor (my indispensible sister, Heather, drove me to these appointments and entertained Tadman for hours while I talked to doctors) angels from church were at my house scrubbing toilets and mopping floors. Julia Hansen even hung pictures! All these kindnesses most certainly contributed to healing!
The prognosis seems very positive at this point. Next week I meet my new Radiologist to set up the schedule for those treatments, and the blood test I had yesterday will help Dr. Montgomery decide which medicine he wants to give me for the next five years to further ensure there will be no recurrence of cancer. In the not too distant future I will be able to have my body rebuilt to match the youthfulness I feel inside if I so choose, and then all this will be in the rear view mirror for me. I can do this, I think.
I don't think I'd be saying that as enthusiastically without the unfailing support of sisters--my sisters and sisters-in-law, my daughters, and the sisters of my church and neighborhood. Especially since the mastectomy, I have had so much help with meals and household work and changing diapers that I have been able to focus all my energy on getting better, and as I result, I am getting better, and quickly at that! Oh how sincerely I say THANK YOU to all my sisters. With you by my side, and the continued blessings of my Father in Heaven, I can do this. I know I can.

"Radical" is Right!

Hello to all my blog following friends. I am still alive, but at this point, just barely. I had a radical mastectomy at St. Luke's Hospital last Thursday, and now that I've had it, I understand why they call it "radical". They certainly take a lot of tissue that has always been part of your body, and it's a little hard to get used to the new view in the mirror. That, and the fact that the radical mastectomy is not the end of cancer treatment, is more than a little discouraging, but as has been the case throughout this life experience, this strange journey, there is always a lot to be grateful for.
Greg and I had to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for the prep for this procedure. My sister-in-law, Val, was patiently waiting when we arrived 10 minutes late, and she was a great support and good resource of information throughout the day. After a little paperwork Greg, Val, and I were taken to the surgery waiting room. They got to stay, but I had to be prepped for surgery. I tried to convince them that Val was Margi Nettles, but it didn't work. So I got weighed, undressed, gowned, fitted in the tight stockings that prevent blood clots, had my blood drawn, had a IV started, talked with the anesthesiologist, and then lost all consciousness or recall for several hours, until a man with crazy, curly red hair was trying to rouse me from my deep sleep. According to Greg it took him an hour and a half before I was roused enough to be transferred to my hospital room. Greg and Val were still there, and then when Greg had to leave my brother Jared came and I had a very pleasant afternoon talking with Jared and Val about all kinds of subjects, mainly my kids and their kids, whom we seem to talk about a lot. I felt pretty darn good right out of surgery. I had one dose of morphine, but from there I lasted the whole day and didn't take anything else for pain until I was going to sleep that night, at which time I took one Norco tablet. There isn't a lot of physical pain associated with a mastectomy, but there is a lot of numbness and nerve damage done, and of course it's quite hard to see yourself when those bandages are removed and you realize how much of your body is no longer there. But I was able to recover from the surgery quickly. I had a clear head right away, and that whole day spent with Jared and Val, my mom and sister, Heather, and Greg and Rachel was a very pleasant day.
It's hard to get a good night's sleep at the hospital, of course, because the nurses are wide awake when they come to check your vitals, and they think you ought to be wide awake too, so at about 12:30 I was roused out of a sound sleep to find out my temperature, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation was normal, and then I was allowed to sleep again until about 5 a.m. when I had to get help unhooking from all the machines so I could go to the bathroom. That whole first day and into the morning of the next I had cuffs on my legs that would periodically tighten to keep the blood flow going in my legs. I was also on oxygen and my IV was still in place, so all that stuff had to be detached or be wheeled to the bathroom with me every time I had to go. That was probably the most unpleasant part of my hospital stay.
Early Friday morning my surgeon, Dr. Livingston, came and checked on me and took the ace bandages that were wrapped around my chest off. Surprisingly she said I could take a shower whenever I wanted and go home whenever I was ready. The surgery went well, or how she had anticipated it would go, and she just reminded me to make little use of my left arm until after I had seen her in two weeks. The final report on the tissue she removed won't be available for about a week. Of course the best would be if that tissue was completely cancer free, but Greg says it will also be good news if there is no new cancer growth since the original diagnosis. We're all hoping the pathology report brings the best possible news.
My sister Heather did me the favor of driving me home on Friday, and of taking me to get a mastectomy camisole that has little pockets in place for the 2 bags I came home with that catch the fluid that drains from the wounds in my chest and under my arm where the lymph nodes were removed. The drains stay in until the fluid slows down, so a couple of weeks at least. The mastectomy vest also comes with a breast form, but I need a little help making it match my remaining breast. Right now it's considerably larger. I'm sure with a little tweaking it will do its job.
I was lucky enough to make it home in time to see Hunter leaving the house for his game that night, and also fortunate enough to be at his game. Even though he ended up not playing much and his team lost in overtime, it felt great to have some normalcy restored right away, and the cool air felt refreshing after spending a day and a half in a hospital room.
Since then I've been able to get out and do a few things. I was able to attend Kate's piano recital on Saturday and go out to dinner with my sister Heidi and her daughter, Leah, and my two girls afterward. On Sunday night I was well enough to come downstairs to eat dinner with my family, and because I was already up I was able to greet some visitors who came by to check on me. Thank you to my visitors and to people bringing flowers and goodies. Thank you to my friend Sarah for the beautiful scarf that's just perfect for fall weather. Thank you to my water aerobics instructor, Tami, and to my whole water aerobics sisterhood for the huge bouquet and the cards of support. I love visitors!
Okay, now to list some of the things I have to be grateful for. I am grateful my sister Heidi spent the money and took the time to spend a week taking care of my family. The kids have made all their appointments, they've been well fed, Tadman's been cuddled and read to, and Kate's had the right things signed and returned to school. I'm grateful for Dee and Ron who made sure Tadman was cared for and entertained the entire time I was at the hospital, and then picked him up on Saturday to take him apple picking. He's been very happy, content, and well taken care of between the three of them. I am grateful that the view out my window was so spectacular and beautiful while I was in the hospital, and I could see the part of Boise where I grew up while I was there. I am thankful for the fall and for the beautiful scenery it provides and for football season that comes with it, because football just makes me happy. I am thankful that I had a skilled doctor to do my surgery, a clean, comfortable place to recuperate, and especially for medical insurance so my family isn't paying for this for the rest of our lives. I am thankful for my brothers and sisters who have really been here for me, come to see me, and called me, and for my mom who has suffered this surgery before me and moved on so well and bravely. What a great example she is! I'm especially grateful to have a husband and children to come home to, and to motivate me to make a speedy recovery so I can start being the caregiver instead of the care receiver again. This victim, sick person thing does not come naturally to me and it sure doesn't feel good. I like being strong, independent, and productive. Will I ever be that way again?
There's the update! Next up are check-ups with Drs. Livingston and Montgomery, then next will be radiation treatments for 6 weeks. I am a little shocked that there's more cancer treatment ahead. Certainly chemo and mastectomy seem like they ought to do the trick! I look forward to seeing Dr. Montgomery again so I can playfully banter with him about the "treatment" I've received. So onward and upward I suppose...

Living Life, Cooking and Cleaning, Timebomb Ticking

Nothing new to report on my health this week. I know that will be disappointing to those of you who read this blog just to hear about what horrible things are happening to my body as I go through treatment. I have tried to call MSTI a couple of times to figure out when I'm next supposed to see Dr. Montgomery, but they don't call me back, so I guess now that he's done torturing me with his crazy chemicals he's done with me. That's a little disappointing since I look so forward to doing those puzzles as I wait.
It's a funny thing, but I actually have felt worse the past 10 days since quitting treatments than I have for weeks. My fingernails have little bubbles of puss underneath them and it hurts them when I scratch an itch, tie or untie shoelaces, try to open packages, or anything else that I do with them. There's a noticeable line on each one where the damaged part is and where the new, undamaged part has grown in. Also, my bottom is much more sore now than it was, but has started to improve in the past few days, and my feet and hands are still numb from neuropathy, but I'm hoping that they will soon recover. I've had a lot of headaches the past week, but I think they are a result of withdrawal from all the medications they've given me to ease the symptoms caused by the treatments, and I think the headaches will stop as soon as my body is able to get rid of all that's left behind. I'm not sure about the high glucose levels, if they've returned to normal, but I'm continuing to eat like they are high until I find out.
I was expecting to have a very gloomy day last Thursday as a result of missing the treatment day experience, but I did better than I thought I would. I took Tadman to the YMCA nursery and did a water aerobics class and was able to get energy and camaraderie there like I would have down at MSTI, and thus avoided that loneliness and sadness I was expecting to feel. The Y is such a great place for me to be, especially the pool area, because that's where all the people come who really have health challenges. Grandmas and grandpas come in their wheelchairs and get lowered into the water with this cool little machine so they can move their bodies in that warm water and not feel all the effects of gravity on those parts that are sore and weak. Extremely overweight people come to walk in the water for the same benefits. Handicapped people of all sorts make their way to that pool each day to get their exercise in, so how can I feel sorry for myself and my small afflictions and limitations when those courageous people make what must be a long and arduous journey getting there each day? I can't. What's losing a breast compared with that?
Another bright spot on Thursday was watching Hunter play football in the evening. He did such a great job of opening huge holes on that line during the JV game that his team scored 42 points before Capital had scored once. In the third quarter Capital finally did score, but then Centennial immediately answered that score with another of their own. I believe the final score was 55-21, but that makes it sound closer that it was. Unfortunately Hunter played all 4 quarters of the JV game even though it was lopsided, so when there was an injury to a lineman on the Varsity team during their game on Friday night, he was only able to play one quarter in relief of the injured player. And that injury wasn't the only regrettable thing that happened during Friday night's game. Centennial was hammered by Capital at Bronco Stadium 40-7. I know Hunter probably wouldn't have made enough of a difference to change the outcome of the game, but I think he could have helped make it respectable. It may be a coincidence, but the Statesman reporter who covered the game said Centennial wasn't able to get anything going until their third drive of the night, and that just happened to be when Hunter went in--I'm just saying. I know, I know, Greg always reminds me I am watching him through a mother's eyes, but Coach Pete was hanging out on the sidelines at the beginning of the game and stayed and watched just until Hunter was taken out. Coincidence? I think not. I hope you all know I'm joking, but in that way that you're joking, but you really are convinced what you're joking about is true. Anyway, it was a miserable game for Centennial, but nice for a mother who got to see her son finally play in a varsity game when it still mattered, and not just when his team was already ahead by 30 or more.
No Boise State game this week, as those who follow will already know, so Saturday was open to other pursuits. I got lots of cleaning and laundry done, Kate and Rachel found Halloween costumes, and I got to go to Mary Dahl's fortieth birthday party downtown on Saturday night. That was a pretty cool event. Her friends had arranged for it to be in the basement of this swanky little place called the Red Feather Lounge. We had a couple of private tables in the wine cellar so it was just us and we were able to converse and play games and eat with our intimate little group. Mary deserves a cool party!
Thank goodness I have all these activities to keep me busy so I'm not just thinking of the time ticking ever closer to surgery. Now that I've told Kate that Aunt Heidi is coming to stay for a week during my recovery time, Kate is constantly telling me "only such and such more days 'till Aunt Heidi comes," which in my mind immediately translates to "only such and such more days until I have to wake up at 5 a.m. to be down at the hospital to be prepped for surgery, be put under scary general anesthetic, have body parts I've grown quite attached to removed, wake up and not know where I am, and then have it all come back to me when I start feeling the pain," yes, thanks for reminding me, Kate! But I'm excited about having Heidi come too.
You'll all be happy to know I made it through the entire week without any help with laundry or meals for the first time since the end of February. I didn't think it possible, but I can still plan meals, cook them, and feed them to my family, and I still remember where the detergent goes in the washing machine. Amazing! We're actually able to hold this place together on our own! Believe me when I say doing it myself again this week has made me appreciate all the help I have received even more. It's a lot of work! That's pretty much all I had time to do other than water aerobics and running stuff to my kids at school and taking them to appointments. I forgot how much I used to do.
This week I'd like to thank my mom for assisting me with costumes for Kate and Tadman. Costuming for Halloween is always stressful to me, and doubly so this year, but grandma is making sure everyone ends up just as adorable as always. I'd also like to thank Kathy Palfryman and Sue Iverson for visiting me to assess my needs as I approach surgery, to offer friendship and support, and to Sue for lending me the book club book. Thanks to my sister-in-law, Val, for calling me to see how I am doing. I hope I can actually talk to her soon face-to-face. Thanks to Ron and Grandma Dee for being willing to take Tadman any time, and for offering to take him during my MRI this week and my surgery next week, and since he loves being with them so much, like Kate he can't wait for that surgery day to get here! Thanks to everyone who left comments on my blog since my last post. I am buoyed by your support, your prayers, and all the kind words you leave. Getting a comment on my blog, to me, is just like eating a great piece of chocolate, and since I can't have chocolate right now, I savor those comments! Last but certainly far from least, thanks to my sister Heidi for giving Kate something to look forward to, and for giving me peace of mind about my family and home so I can focus all my attention on dreading surgery. You know I'm kidding, Heidi. I am so glad you are coming and so appreciative you would suggest it.
I have so much to be grateful for, family and friends being at the very top of the list!

Sometimes You Want to Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Oh, I'm freezing all the time now. I can't believe how quickly and completely the weather has turned and I'm hoping it will turn back for a few weeks before it's cold for good. I will try to give you a quick update on my final treatment as I shiver at my computer terminal. Brrrr!
After 27 weeks of treatment, a few off weeks because of illness--spanning spring, summer, and into fall--treatments are finally done. For my last treatment day, the first day of this super cool weather, Justine Powell made the sacrifice of getting a substitute for her swimming classes so she could accompany me. My mother-in-law and Ron watched Tadman, and entertained my younger kids who were out of school for state teacher inservice days. Justine has been the best of friends to me from the beginning of diagnosis. She has been the organizer of meals and cleaning, Tadman's swimming teacher, a nutrition consultant, and a shoulder to cry on when I was at my low point after the Adria treatments, so it was fitting that she'd be with me at the conclusion of phase one.
Thursday morning started off like most treatment days. I showered and was out of the house before anyone but Greg and Tadman were up. Justine picked me up and had me there by 8:30, and after checking in we worked on the puzzle as usual while waiting to be called. The kind nurse from last blog, Hope, accessed my port and drew my blood, then Justine and I were almost immediately called back to see Dr. Montgomery. After weight, blood pressure, pulse, and oxygen saturation were recorded, Dr. Montgomery came in the room and dropped a gown on my lap and told me to put it on because he'd be examining me today. When I asked him how the gown worked he said, "I don't know but you better figure it out because you're going to be wearing those all the time for radiation." Then he left and I figured it out by myself. When he came back in and examined me he wasn't satisfied with the exam as a good source of information, so he concluded I should go to the hospital and have a CT scan so we could see the results of the chemo. So quickly arrangements were made for the test at Saint Luke's and I went to the chemo suite to have my port reaccessed with a different kind of needle that could be injected with an iodine contrast solution for the CT scan.
I must express that my absolute least favorite part of cancer treatment has been the diagnostic testing. Never have I felt more alone, more uncertain, and more nervous than I have during these tests. Most of the time it's just me and the technician who's performing the test. Usually the technician is young, healthy, and has never gone through the tests he's putting me through, so it's a very business-like and efficient transaction. The technician has to tell you the side effects of these tests, and the things that could go wrong, but when you ask questions he seems surprised that the fact that people have been known to go into shock because of an allergic reaction to the iodine solution has you a little nervous. Luckily I wasn't allergic to the solution, so other than a weird, warm sensation trickling through my innards, everything went as expected and I was back at Dr. Montgomery's office waiting for results.
Then Dr. Montgomery was back, the results of the day's scan were back, and the original Pet Scan results were pulled up. Dr. Montgomery was able to do "show and tell" which he was excited about--it's so much better than just tell, he said--and I was able to see that through the modern miracle of chemotherapy (YUCK!) the big tumor appeared to be completely gone, and a smaller tumor was reduced in size and much less sharp around the edges. The doctor seemed very pleased with these results, and in celebration forgot to place my chemo orders for my final treatment!
When I finally made it to the chemo suite, I chose one of the cool new beds that sits up like a chair, splurged with mashed potatoes at lunch in spite of the carbohydrates, and waited for treatment while my nurse, Allison tried to get the doctor's orders for chemo. When the orders finally came, I had only a baby sized bag of Taxol to injest, so Justine and I ended up getting out of treatment about the same time as usual even with the CT scan. The nurses and other staff had all signed a kind of graduation certificate for me, I got a few hugs and well wishes, and then Justine and I celebrated the right way with a Boston Shake from Fanci Freeze.
What I didn't expect was how hard this week was going to be for me. I am actually mourning the end of treatments! I have really enjoyed being down there all these weeks, having a friend spend the day with me, and being pampered and treated well by the best nurses anywhere. My mom and sister have been at my house 3 times a week, great meals have been provided, dozens of cards of support were sent by my water aerobics class, and now all of a sudden it's dark and freezing, I've told everyone laundry and meals aren't necessary, the cards have quit coming, and I'm feeling isolated and forlorn. Having Tadman to take care of is saving me from wallowing in self pity and loneliness. And it isn't helping to have surgery looming on the cold and bleak horizon. I know, it's a little crazy to be sad I am done with chemo, but kind of like Norm in the old series "Cheers", sometimes I want to go where everybody knows my name, and they're always glad I came, and there are people there who's troubles are all the same. There's a camraderie in being with other people who have cancer even if they aren't really even friends of mine. Understand?
Since treatment day I've sat through 3 freezing cold football games--all wins for my side, Centennial JV, Varsity, and BSU. I've eaten a few bowls of hot soup, watched 3of 4 sessions of General Conference, and spent extra time with my kids since they had time off of school.
I say thank you to all my friends every time I write in this blog, but I am more appreciative than ever this week. Now that my constant supply of support has been severed for a time, I recognize more than ever how much of a difference you've really made. I've figured out it's not the meals, it's not the laundry that makes so much of a difference. It's knowing that I'm loved, I'm thought of often, and that I matter to a lot of people. Thank you for showing me through your acts of service and kindness that I matter. And if any of you need help during this break between treatment and surgery, you'd be doing me a great favor to ask help of me. I need to get my mind off negative, sad thoughts and instead count all the blessings I have. I sincerely thank you all for countless acts of kindness and look forward to being healthy so I return them many times over to each of you.
From here I have one more test scheduled, an MRI, for a week from Wednesday, and then surgery on October 22 at 7:30. I can't say I'm excited, but with the support and prayers of family and friends it'll all be behind me soon. I'll write again when I get the results of the MRI. Another diagnostic test! Yes!

One More Treatment. Almost Time to Prune the Branches.

I must apologize. My treatments are almost over and my thoughts are off of them and on to surgery, and somehow with the distraction of new thoughts, I forgot to write my blog. Pardon me if you're trying to keep up.
I went to my second to last treatment alone last week. I missed the chance to go with one of my favorite people, Jamie Boyce, because I didn't know she was coming with me and she had forgot that she had signed up to take me. Tadman spent the day in bliss with Grandma Dee and Ron and the RV. He was only disappointed he was just with them for the day and not going camping again!
When I arrived at treatment everyone was shocked that I was companionless. I have done 26 treatments to date, and only twice gone without a friend. Yes, that means I have great friends! Thank you to ALL who have come with me and spent the day at MSTI. When I was getting my port accessed and my blood drawn, I was near tears because of a phone conversation I had had with a local plastic surgeon's staff a few days earlier in the week. The nurse drawing the blood asked why I was upset, and when I told her the details--basically I'd been sent packing by this plastic surgeon's receptionist because I didn't have the right insurance--she told me she'd ask some questions and have more information about that particular doctor before I left at the end of the day. She was, like all the staff at MSTI, very attentive and compassionate and willing to go the extra mile to help.
My doctor's appointment was with Sheryl, one of the nurse practitioners, and she also took lots of time with me and answered a lot of the questions that had been on my mind since my thoughts had turned to surgery. She also looked at my fingernails, which are just now beginning to lift and feel sensitive, and she gave me the good news that my blood sugar was back down. This time it was down from 161 to 137! And I lost 3 more pounds to boot. With only one more treatment to go I think I'm holding up pretty well. I'm getting more aches and pains as the weeks on Taxol add up, but I think I'm going to make it through the last treatment without any further problems of any significance, and then if things go my way and my blood sugar and cholesterol levels go back to where they were before I started treatment, I may end up being healthier overall than I was before I started chemo. That's what I'm working for, anyway.
Now this may not seem very significant to you, but for actual treatment they put me in the new chemo suite. What's the big deal, you ask? Well, until this week they had considered me too "high risk" to be in there, but since I haven't reacted to the Taxol for several weeks, now I'm officially low risk again! And the new room was beautiful. Each chair and bed has a little TV screen attached to it that you can pull right up near you to change channels on or increase the volume. I got a chair (more highly in demand than the beds) that had a sunny window with a view of the street and a cool little TV. Lucky. I had some magazines and a good book as well since I knew I was going to be alone. I even splurged and ate a bagel as a celebration for the extra low blood sugar. It was quiet in the new chemo suite--only 2 nurses work in there--and I even fell asleep for the first time. Then, right as I was finishing up with treatment, here came my lovely little nurse who accessed my port, and as promised she had all kinds of information about plastic surgeons for me. I had to hug her! She had just gone so above and beyond what she had to do. I am already anicipating how much I will miss being with all those great people when treatment is over. They are just the cream of the crop! Just like all of you reading my blog!
Life outside of treatment continues to be busy, busy, busy. Greg and I checked out Centennial and Joplin's open houses this week, went to Hunter's 2 football games, (I worked in the concessions stand during the varsity game), took Kate to dance and piano lessons, and bought chips and condiments for the AAA Booster fundraiser. Kate and Parker and I also found the time to get our teeth cleaned. Rachel found out how hard Calculus is going to be this year by bombing her first test.
Then at the beginning of this week I started my Monday with a visit to my surgeon. She firmed up the plans for an MRI, which I will have three weeks from tomorrow, and surgery, which will be October 22 at 7:30 a.m. She isn't sure if she'll be doing a full mastectomy or a lumpectomy yet, but whatever she decides, or we decide together, the surgery will be that day at that time. After my talks with her and a plastic surgeon's office staff, I have also discovered that any reconstruction I elect to have will be awhile coming. I have to wait 6 to 9 months after concluding radiation treatments before starting reconstruction, so we still have a LONG way to go before news of my health is no longer a topic of conversation.
I've had a hard time sleeping the last few weeks, usually because I have to use the bathroom and then can't get my mind to stay asleep. I'm not sure if this is my mid-life crisis, but everything around me seems so symbolic of entering the fall of my life as I experience the beginning of fall in Boise. I am done having babies now. Tadman will be my last one. My first baby is getting old enough that she'll soon be dropping off the old tree and starting a new life of her own. The sap in me is slowing down a bit and there are a few diseased branches that need to be pruned before they contaminate the rest of the tree. I guess most people don't have such a huge life event to escort them from one phase of life to another, but for the first time in my life I realize I'm starting to get old! Of course it's not necessarily a bad thing, just a change I haven't recognized as significantly before. But fall is my favorite time of year, so there's no reason it can't be my favorite time of life as well!
Thank you for continuing to read my blog even though treatments have been a little redundant. Now there will be lots of new stuff to write, stepping into the unknown experience of mastectomy, radiation, and reconstruction options. I am so grateful for all the little things in my life that bring me happiness everyday--my family, my friends, my house, my bed, good books, exercise. It wouldn't be possible for me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life during cancer treatment without the help of my huge support system. I think about all of you often and keep a prayer of gratitude in my heart at all times. Just one more to go!

While Taddy's Away the Mommy Will Work and Play

Much more significant in my mind than treatment this week was having my little Tadman away from me. Grandma Dee and Ron picked him up last Tuesday morning and took him camping and fishing in Joseph, Oregon for 5 long days. It sure changed the mood and activity level of our house for the week. The good thing was getting more water aerobics in and being able to sit and watch Hunter's football game, but the sad was missing little hugs, kisses, snuggling, and funny little sayings and doings all week, plus the house was very quiet during the days without him. He had a great time, however, and spent all Sunday asking me to drive him over to grandma's house, which I didn't do as he was suffering from diareah. He's much better today, and even though I had to change all his bedding and all my bedding and do several loads of wash yesterday, it's good to have him back!
So on treatment day I went with my attentive neighbor, Laurie Gabrielsen, but didn't have any babysitters since Taddy was in the safe care of his grandma. It was a good week to have him away, because treatment was scheduled for 8 a.m. and it would have been hard to get him up and ready to go that early. It's hard enough when it's just me. Laurie was excited about doing a puzzle (yeah, Laurie!) and we got to start a new one since the last one was all complete. That's the first thing we did after checking in to tell them I was there for my appointment. I got to see Dr. Montgomery for the first time in three weeks, and he was his charming self. We're kind of winding down these treatments with only 2 remaining, so our focus has kind of moved toward surgery planning, reconstruction options, and whether or not we've defeated this cancer with all these treatments. I worry also about my long term health, and if my high glucose and cholesterol counts will recede when my cancer treatments conclude. In the meantime I'm trying to do all I can to eat fewer carbohydrates and get more exercise, but my system seems so messed up at this point that it may take awhile for my body to start reacting as it normally would. For instance this week my glucose was back up to 161 after recovering slightly to 147 last week. I teased Laurie that I ought to just eat chocolate donuts and sodas for the next two weeks and see if I can break 200 before I'm done!
Even though all my labs are crazy, the actual treatments are going much better. For the fourth week in a row I had no adverse reactions to the Taxol. Of course they are still really loading me up with Benadryl, Singulaire, and all kinds of other stuff, and two varieties of steroid (which causes the high blood sugar), and they still have the Taxol drip at a very slow rate, but with all that I was done at 1:30 and home well before my kids, plus, Laurie was nice enough to go to Chili's and get me some fajitas for lunch. Fabulous! We were the envy of everyone in the suite! As I've mentioned before, it's such a treat to spend the day with a friend that I really do look forward to Thursdays.
Other than Taddy's absence and treatment, the week was once again filled with football and new school year events. I had the chance to visit Parker's new school on Tuesday and was very impressed with the teachers and administration. The attitude is totally positive, believing in these students and their ability to succeed. They pretty much guarantee their students will be successful. Patience, kindness, enthusiasm, and small class sizes help them turn kids around. I am so happy Parker is there and think this will be a great opportunity for him to grow. He's already telling me he's a smart kid, and that didn't happen at all last year.
While I was at Parker's Open House, Greg had to be at Rachel's Speech and Debate team parents' meeting. I'm still not sure what he learned there, but hopefully it's stuff Rachel knows. When you have multiple kids in school, it's almost impossible to get to all those introductory meetings!
After early week meetings, football and football events dominated the later part of the week. Hunter played the whole JV game on Thursday, and did so in a dominating manner, I must say. The running backs ran through holes he opened several times, and his team ended up beating Rocky Mountain's 44-6. Our team looked much more impressive than the varsity team the following night. Even with Hunter's back slaps and encouragement for the starters we ended up losing big, and giving Rocky Mountain their first home win ever. The final score--35-17. At times it seemed like we'd make a game of it, and we pulled to within 4 points either late in the third or at the beginning of the fourth, but we fell apart at the end. Both their defensive and offensive lines dominated the line of scrimmage, and whenever that happens there's trouble.
So after the game there was all kinds of drama. Hunter went to a couple of player called meetings on Friday night, one of our offensive star players quit, then rejoined the team, then on Saturday evening it was rumored that he quit again, and then the team watched film and did some community service almost all day Saturday. It will be interesting to see how they respond in their homecoming game this Friday since they really played well in the first 2 games. They're still in good shape for the season if they can respond to this loss by getting better. Because of the Centennial varsity game I missed all but the last quarter of the Boise State game in Fresno. After watching quarter 4 on ESPN I couldn't believe the Bulldogs quarterback lived through the beating he took in the game. I still haven't had the time to watch the whole thing, but the part I did watch was pretty crazy and intense, and much more entertaining than blowing out Miami of Ohio. And looks like the Broncos still have plenty of misstakes happening to keep them humble and striving for improvement. It's just my opinion, but I think the Cougars problem is always thinking they're really good after just a couple of games early in the season. It's always a long season, and all teams usually get a test from someone they think will be a cakewalk, so you can't think you're great at the beginning of the season or you get complacent, and then you end up losing to some team you should have beat. Like Rocky Mountain, for instance!
Saturday was also devoted to the Centennial Patriots. I am serving as the treasurer of the Football Boosters at Centennial, and Saturday was our sixth annual dinner and auction to raise money for the football program. For weeks we've been having meetings, selling raffle tickets, advertising, and planning for this thing. Bart Hendricks, former BSU quarterback, mostly in the Big West days, was our speaker, and then we had both a silent and live auction of donated items the football players had been required to solicit. I am not sure how much money we made yet, but I am glad it's over. And the timing couldn't be better, because now most of the work is done until next season.
I have another busy week of Open Houses and football games coming up, just busy enough to keep me from pondering too much about being at the crossroads of this cancer experience. I will soon know if my cancer has been defeated, or if more treatments are necessary. I will soon have to make big decisions about mastectomy and reconstruction options. I'll have to weigh financial burdens and strain on my family as I decide what is the best course to pursue. I am just glad all of this is happening in the Fall, my favorite time of year for pondering, and enjoying the world around me, and for marking life's changes and if it's going in the direction I want it to. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have my family all still here this year so they can be with me as I make all these discoveries and decisions.
I always like to end by thanking all my friends and family for helping me out each day and each week. For the cleaning, the laundry, the food preparation, the cards, the kindness to my kids, the companionship and all the other things you do for me, thank you. I think the biggest change I have undergone since starting cancer treatment at the beginning of March is appreciating my circle of family and friends, accepting them the way they are, and loving them for their attempts to be the best they can be. Thanks for all you do!

Life Gets Busier, Treatment Seems Littler

So it's been another crazy week since last treatment day. As I said before, all summer I just kind of measured time from one infusion to the next, and now that my kids are back in school there's so much to do and to think about that treatment day has just become the day I can't do a lot of extra stuff.
This week has been marred a little bit by illness. Hunter has suffered the most. He ended up missing part of 2 days and all Friday from school last week, because of stomach flu symptoms. In spite of his illness he was able to play in the JV game on Thursday, which Centennial won. They won ugly, but they won. Mountain View moved the ball on them a lot, but wasn't able to score. The final--13 (all of which Centennial scored in the first quarter) to 6. (Melinda might remember the score slightly differently because I'm not sure if I'm right, but Centennial definitely won). Hunter struggled a bit, I'm sure because he was dehydrated from being sick for several days. The next day the Varsity team also won, but unfortunately Hunter was too sick to go to school at all that day and was unable to be with the team. Greg and I took Taddy and Kate to the game, however, and although it wasn't nearly as enjoyable without Hunter there, it's fun to see Centennial doing so well as a team since they struggled so much last season. Several boys from our own little neighborhood made great plays including Sam Bounds, who lives on our street, Connor Radnovich, who lives next door to Waltons, and Morgan Bradley. I'm having a great time seeing so many kids I know play and perform well in these big games!
Saturday Hunter was fully recovered and able to come with us to the BSU game. He sat in the stands for the first time in several years instead of doing ball boy, as Greg had notified the ball boy boss that Hunter was sick and might not be able to be there. He and Kate sat in the south end zone and got up close and personal with the players while Greg and I sat in our regular mid-field seats. Okay, so the game wasn't exactly a nail-biter, but it was still so much fun. What better way to enjoy the best weather of the year than being outside at a football game for 3 or 4 hours.
Unfortunately as Hunter has recovered from his illness, Rachel has picked up her own. She has more of an upper-respiratory infection she's suffering from, but when you're as busy as she is, you just kind of keep going even when you're sick. While we were at the game her school quartet was playing at an open house. She also has lots of homework already, which is what happens when you take difficult classes.
Now backtracking a little to treatment day, for the most part it was uneventful again. Tammee was able to come with me, always a treat, and Melissa, Chase and Addison entertained Tadman. I've become a real fixture down there now. All the nurses and nurses aids have their little jokes about me and about my reactions of the past. Those aren't happening anymore, however, so they're going to have to come up with some new material. I haven't seen my doctor in person for several weeks. He was at some sort of training when I was there last, but I am getting good care from the nurse practitioners who see me when he's gone. This week I was able to reduce my blood sugar levels by 16 points--in just one week!--and as a side benefit lost 3 and a half more pounds. I've now lost about 29 since I started treatment, but unfortunately don't look healthier and more attractive as a result. I look forward to being done with treatment so I can have some hair again, a little more color in my face, and a little less of the steroid puffiness to my cheeks. I keep wondering how can I have lost 30 pounds and look this much worse than I did before? So I am here to clear up that old argument once and for all, it IS better to feel marvelous than it is to look marvelous, but the best is looking and feeling marvelous! Maybe someday.
The treatment itself, as I said, went reaction-less again. That's three weeks in a row now, so I think the nurses and pharmacists have officially figured out what concoction of drugs works. It still takes a long time since they are cautious about giving the Taxol to me too quickly, but that's just time I can spend with a good friend, talk with all the great people down at MSTI, and have some lunch. What a great excuse I have to just kind of waste a day each week, and how lucky I am that friends are willing to come and waste a day with me.
For all of you who go to treatment with me, who bring meals to me and my family, who clean my house and do my laundry, who watch Tadman, and who pray for all of us, THANK YOU, again and again. We are really doing so well right now because of all the support surrounding us, but unfortunately this journey isn't quite over. As I anticipate surgery and get a little nervous about the implications, especially for my kids, and for the things I won't be able to help them with as I recover, I know it'll all work out because of all the willing helpers we have all around us. I'm trying to find that balance between planning for every eventuality and just enjoying life for today, because I'd rather be able to focus on the subtle changes in the weather, a beautiful sunset (a little earlier each day), or my little Tadman's sweet face.

Football, Football, Football, and an Important Day for Kate

Oh man I've been busy the last few days with school and football season starting and Kate getting baptized. Treatment starts to take a back door to all the other stuff when there is so much going on. But I'll start by telling you about treatment.
I was excited to have Melinda Sant go with me this week. Myrna Johns had signed up, but she was sick with food poisoning or the stomach flu and Melinda was nice enough to step in and volunteer to go in her place. Thanks to the Osiers and Misty for watching Tadman (Kate was at school that day) and to Melissa for watching Luke Sant at the last minute for Melinda.
Going to treatment was extra fun this week because of the big game on tap later that evening--BSU vs. Oregon at Bronco Stadium--and there was an extra buzz and excitement at MSTI because of it. Several of the patients were in their BSU gear, and 2 of the nurses were wearing their Bronco colors. People seemed a little happier and chattier than on a regular day.
After getting my port accessed and blood drawn I was called back to see one of the nurse practitioners. She had bad news for me, or the start of bad news anyway. As part of treatment I have been taking a steroid every week to help me get through treatment and recover more quickly from it. Since I've been doing the Taxol treatments they have increased the dosage and given me extra in pill form that I take 12 hours prior to coming in for treatment. I found out on Thursday that the steroid I've been taking has caused my blood sugar to gradually rise over the course of treatment, and while it was in the close to normal range 5 weeks ago (60 to 90 are the normal range numbers), it has now climbed to 160. ARGH! No one in my family has ever had diabetes, I've never had any problems prior to treatment, even during pregnancies, and now I have a new thing to worry about. For the time being they aren't going to treat me for the high blood sugar, but asked me to watch what I eat and try to increase my exercise. I'm pretty mad about it, not that being mad will make any difference, but I hope to be healthy again someday, and not permanently altered by cancer treatment. For those of you praying for me, if you wouldn't mind offering a prayer that I can be healthy and whole again, and that my body will recover once all the drugs leave my system, that is a blessing I hope for and would welcome! The only other symptom I'm suffering from now is called neuropathy, and Taxol causes it. Neuropathy is the loss of sensation in fingers, toes and feet due to nerve damage. I am experiencing it now, mostly in my toes, but also in my fingers and my face a little bit. So far it's not painful, but for some when it gets bad it can make it difficult to walk. I have started taking glutamine powder, an amino acid that body builders take to help muscles recover after hard workouts, at the suggestion of the nurse practitioner. It sometimes helps reawaken those nerve endings. My thought is, with all these steroids and the glutamine powder, why don't I have buns and abs of steel? What's up with that?
The good news for the week was that with Melinda by my side and helpful pharmacists nearby, I got through another round of Taxol without an allergic reaction. That's 2 weeks in a row! My mind has now moved on to worrying about surgery since the chemo treatments seem to be under control. I will meet with my surgeon on September 28 and we'll discuss the options available to me and the implications of those options, and then tentatively I'll have surgery on October 22.
Even though these treatments have been forced upon me, I am going to miss them when I finish up next month. I love the opportunity to spend several hours with my companions talking and bonding. I have gotten to know so many friends better since I started, and that's been a great thing. Also, I just love the nurses and volunteers that work in the chemo suite at MSTI. They are dedicated, smart, kind, and resourceful. They are cheerful, and friendly, and helpful, and patient. The volunteers make sure I'm comfortable and offer food and drinks and warm blankets. I hope to sometime have the opportunity to give some of that good care and attention back.
Now for the non-treatment news. The football season, which is always warmly welcomed at my house, started in full force this past week. Hunter had a game at Centennial on Tuesday, played again at Eagle on Wednesday (his team prevailed with a last few seconds field goal), and then came the big Boise State game everyone had been talking about for weeks. They say that college football is now as pro football once was, so I think it follows that high school football is as college football once was. What I'm trying to say is, I just love a good high school football game! To spend a warm, balmy evening in the stands, have a beautiful sunset unfold right in front of you, smell the hot dogs grilling, the cheerleaders occasionally cheering, the little kids playing in the stands, and now to have my son a part of it, it's just really exciting for me! I enjoyed those games even more than the Boise State game, mainly because there seems to be more and more negativity and bad behavior occurring at the college games. The Boise State fans have ventured out to away games over the past few years and have brought rudeness and insults back with them. Fortunately the players still display the good characteristics that we all want Boise to be known for--determination, hard work, dedication to a cause, discipline, a common goal, and ultimately success--but not so some of the fans, unfortunately.
After a great opening week of football action we had an even more significant event for Kate. At 4 o'clock in the afternoon yesterday, with both grandmas, Ron, aunts and uncles and cousins, brothers and sister, and lots of friends in attendance, Kate was baptized and confirmed by her dad. She had a new white dress to wear and new scriptures that she had chosen earlier in the day with her Grandma Gloria. She had her hair beautifully braided and a sweet, serene smile on her face. Afterwards she was able to celebrate at home with swimming and a barbecue and a house full of friendly conversation, more football, and good food. She had a great day, and what a blessing it has been for me to feel well enough to plan and enjoy these important times in my kids lives while undergoing treatment. I enjoy and appreciate it all more than ever before because I realize more than ever before how important and precious these occasions with my kids are, and I am so happy they haven't had to skip birthday parties, games, and baptisms because of my health. In that way I've been very blessed.
So as fall arrives and summer ends I am so happy to have a family to share joys and sorrows with, to occupy my time and attention with their needs so I am not preoccupied with mine, and to just spend time with. I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing than being a mom of these 5 kids. Bruce Springsteen may have been born to run, but I was born to love and care for Greg, Rachel, Hunter, Parker, Kate, and Tadman. It's a pretty great life!

Eighteen Years In the Blink of An Eye!

Just wanted to quickly get word out that I'm not sick or suffering, but haven't written just because I've been extra busy getting 4 kids back in school. The treatment went much better last Thursday, in fact they didn't have to stop during it at all, and I am hopeful that the remaining 5 will be just as carefree.

Oh, it's hard for me to let my friends go back to school! I know not everyone feels that way, but the first few weeks back are always a very hard adjustment for me. I sobbed Sunday night as Greg gave each a father's blessing in preparation for another school year. The hard part is marking time and realizing the little girl I just sent off to kindergarten is a senior this year. A senior! Of course since this has been my favorite part of life--the part between giving birth to my first little new baby and now--it's seemed like just a few moments instead of 18 years. I will write more in detail in a few days when I've adjusted! This is Rachel bonding with baby Tadman a couple of years ago.

I've Got to Admit I'm Feeling Better, I'm Feeling Better All the Time

I have to start today by thanking all those who commented on my blog this past week or told me they were still reading it. Now I am re energized to continue!
I know I'm beginning to feel much better and healthier as the past few weeks my focus has turned back to my family, getting ready for the upcoming school year, and looking forward to football season instead of being on my treatments or my reservations and fears about the side effects of my treatments. I am beginning to think I've already hit absolute bottom, and now I'm headed back up to the surface and renewed health and vitality. My energy level continues to creep closer to what it once was, and with a busy school year just a week away (GASP!), I'm going to need all the pep I can muster.
I will catch you up on all my family's activities in a minute, but I wanted to get to some of the good trends that happened in treatment this week. The best thing about the day was that my great friend, helper, supporter, shoulder to cry on, swimming teacher to Tadman, and meal organizer, Justine, was able to accompany me this week. She left her mom to be with me, and I can't say how much I appreciate her. Treatment was super early this week, starting at 8:00 (that's super early for me!). I did all the prerequisite activities--the puzzle, the port blood draw, the witty conversation with the staff and volunteers--and then got the chance to see Dr. Montgomery for the first time in 3 weeks. He seemed well rested and relaxed after a visit to Green Bay with his family to see his wife's parents. I asked, but they didn't watch a Green Bay preseason game while they were there, and although the wife's parents are stockholders in the team, they don't have season tickets. I thought everyone in Green Bay had season tickets! How disappointing. Anyway, he suggested one last antihistamine to add to all the other pre medications I get before treatment now to try to avoid allergic reaction--the medicine Singulaire--and said that's the last one he could think of to add. There was exciting news for him to report, that my platelet counts had started to climb, so the transfusion that was looming last week won't be necessary, at least not for now. The other good news was I lost weight this week without feeling sick or being totally unable to eat! It was a pretty good appointment!
So after seeing Dr. Montgomery I was ready for treatment again, but feeling confident because of all the great staff to help me and having Justine by my side. And now that I'm feeling better again I'm noticing the other patients suffering and feeling fortunate for my well being. This week there was a man there who was really sick when he came in--wheezing, gasping, and spitting stuff into a bag, and when he got into the chemo suite they had several medicines to give to him. I'd imagine his cancer is a lot more advanced and aggressive than mine.
Now that I have to take all these pre meds, the preparation part of my treatment takes a long, long time. They give me steroids, Benedryl, Zyrtec, and Singulaire, some other medicine I can't remember the name of, and then they get the morphine ready in case it's needed. This week the nurse, Allison, was sneeky and started the Taxol drip without telling me while I was talking to Justine, but I still felt the reaction, but it was much less intense than in previous weeks, so maybe all these allergy medicines are working! They only stopped the Taxol for a short time, checked with the doctor, and started again, and after speeding the rate of the drip up later in the treatment, Justine and I were done by a little after 3:00. Isn't that so much better than 5:30! That means I might be able to do it before Kate gets home from Joplin once school starts. That's what I'm hoping for. As an added bonus to an already pretty good day, my buddy Sarah stopped in to see me. It was a great surprise, and I had all kinds of questions about parenting issues to run past her, and she had some good answers for me. She also added energy, enthusiasm, and fun to my treatment day. Man, if someone had given me a pedicure it would have practically been a day at the spa. Thank you to Tammee and Jessie Fulghum for tending to Kate and Tadman for the day. They were very happy to spend the day with you!
My kids had lots of activities this week to supplement my day at the spa. Hunter was introduced as part of Centennial High's varsity team at the "Meet the Team" event on Thursday evening. He thinks he'll probably spend time with the junior varsity team as well, but I think he's really looking forward to the season and the opportunity to play. The Statesman's Prep Football section came with the paper today, and I've got to tell you I have never been so excited to read it as this year. Hunter has worked hard for years improving his game, his strength, and his knowledge and it's nice to have him on the cusp of being one of those big high school football players he admired so much when he was a little kid. As treasurer of the Football Boosters I also got to collect checks that night--a perfect post-chemo evening out!
On Friday we had Parker's better-late-than-never birthday party at our house, so on Friday we were busy grocery shopping, cleaning (mostly Parker's room since the other house cleaning had already been done), getting the pool ready, and ordering pizzas. I think it was worth the wait and he had a great time. The very hot weather was a perfect compliment to our not very hot pool.
After a busy Thursday and Friday, Saturday was spent cleaning up the party leavings. Kate and Parker went birthday shopping with Greg's mom, and Rachel spent the day picking out jewelry, makeup, and outfits for her senior picture session later in the day. From 5:30 until dark we went from Harrison Blvd. to Esther Simplot Performing Arts Center to Kathryn Albertson Park changing clothes, hairstyles, and earrings along the way. Even the cello came along and appeared in a few of the shots. It reminded me what a beautiful city Boise is, how fortunate we are to live here, and how long it's been since I got out to enjoy all the great treasures around me. Rachel and I wrapped up the day with dinner together at the Pad Thai House and a movie, "Julie and Julia". As always with Rachel, the best part of the day was spending time with her, contemplating how quickly she went from being a kindergartener to being a senior in high school, and how her senior year will mark the beginning of the end of the greatest era in my life. I don't regret a single moment I've spent raising, spending time with, enjoying, and loving my kids. Thank goodness I still have a school year with Rachel and still 16 years with Tadman! I will try to relish every moment of it.
Thank you to all who continue to send meals, clean every other Friday, watch kids, and accompany me to treatment. Because of your efforts I am able to still be involved in my kids' lives and activities. And I hope it doesn't take you away from your kids and the things you'd like to do. I appreciate all the support, prayers, and good vibes that come my way and I will try to take advantage of them and translate them into positive interactions with my family. I am finally beginning to see the end of this tunnel when I'll get to be the one cleaning and making meals for people again. Believe it or not, I really look forward to that!

Now I'm really convinced everyone is tired of reading my blog. I only got one comment from last week, even though I included an adorable picture of Kate! I will try to make this brief, because I know at this point it is much the same every week.
Mary Ann Tueller was nice enough to come with me to treatment last Thursday, while Kate and Taddy had a very full and fun day of activity at the Walton's. Thank you for the kind support, and thanks to Stuart Walton for going above and beyond by fixing Kate's bike handlebars. The Walton kids are good people, just like their parents!
Treatment started a little earlier this week, at 9:15. Mary Ann was prepared with a lunch this time, since I was planning on another long day. The routine was much as it always is, except I saw the nurse practitioner again instead of the doctor, and she told me my platelet counts are getting low, so I'll probably need a transfusion in the next few weeks. She also let me know who to see if I needed help with my lifting toenails, so as not to let them become painful or infected or to have them ripped off. I was a little surprised about the transfusion news since I've felt more energetic the past few weeks and haven't had any signs of weakness or fainting. She warned I might experience those sensations soon.
Mary Ann was excellent company during treatment. She asked me lots of questions and let me talk almost the entire time, although I learned a little more about her and her children and grandchildren. She is a great example to me of continuing to learn, live, and pursue new interests after retirement age, and also a great example of how to get along with and enjoy a husband, and I could always use pointers in that area.
Unfortunately, just like the last 3 weeks, I had a physical reaction to the Taxol. It was the same severe back pain, and with it came the same necessary precautions and slowdowns. The infusion was stopped, more medicines administered, vitals taken, and the nurse practitioner consulted. I am growing accustomed to the pain of the treatment and feel fortunate that they are able to alleviate it right away, but the duration of the treatment is annoying, with Thursday's wrapping up a little after 4:30. MSTI is such a pleasant place, however, with such an excellent staff, that I already know I'll miss it when my chemotherapy treatments are over.
On Thursday evening after treatment we had our first entire family melt down in a long time. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with my tiredness after a long day, but it was just one of those evenings when everything seemed to go wrong, and everyone seemed to be short tempered and upset. Of course the house is a little chaotic when the mom is gone all day, and as a result chores went undone and frustrations ensued. The low point for me was cleaning the kitchen floor on my hands and knees in the wee hours of the morning, knowing I had to wake up early the next morning to drive to Salt Lake, but also knowing how hard it would be on my family at home if the work didn't get done.
Everything turned out just fine and Thursday night is just a bad memory now. Kate and I and my mom had a great, although brief, trip. My mom and I were able to be at my niece Ali's sealing in the Salt Lake temple, Kate was able to see her Las Vegas cousins that she doesn't get to see nearly often enough, and most importantly, I stayed awake and our drive was safe. I also got to see my sister Heidi and her husband who moved to Kansas City last summer, their son Chase and his wife (Chase just graduated with a degree in Japanese and business from BYU) and my nephew Jared who flew into the SLC airport after driving his sister and niece to Mississippi to join up with husband and father, Tyler. At the reception in Burley the next day we got to see my brother Jared and his wife Val and their daughter and son-in-law and two adorable grand children. There's nothing else in life that quite compares to sharing important occasions with family, and I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I also enjoyed having just one of my kids with me, because it gave me time to focus just on her needs, she had no one to argue with, and she was delightful!
I am grateful I was feeling well enough to take this trip, that my family at home was willing to take care of Tadman while I was gone, and that Parker (13 as of last Friday!) was willing to put off his birthday celebration for a little while so I could go. I am also happy that Tadman was spared a bad case of the croup that seemed to be coming on Thursday night but never really materialized. My life would be empty and meaningless without my family, and I am so glad to have had the chance to renew and enrich those relationships through a little weekend away.
Many thanks to my friends and family once again for all the mental, spiritual, and physical support. I may have given up long ago without you, and even if I hadn't given up, getting to this point certainly would have been much more difficult. I hope you can feel the sincerity of my gratitude, because it's real and heartfelt! Onward!