Treatment Day is a Delight With Ashley!

I can't believe I missed reporting a treatment day. I'm becoming a very lazy blogger, indeed. Here's the recap.
Unfortunately, because I asked for a slightly later treatment time 2 weeks ago so I would be able to take Kate to early morning swimming lessons, this week they snuck in an afternoon treatment time, so I didn't even start until 12:15! My niece, Ashley, the one who works as an OR nurse at St. Luke's and arranged everything so nicely for me when I had my gall bladder and port surgery was able to come with me since she has quit her regular job to join her husband soon. He has been doing basic training for the Air Force in San Antonio, Texas, and will be graduating early next week. They will be stationed at Biloxi, Mississippi after that, but she still doesn't know when she and her sweet toddler, Leah, will be able to join her husband, Tyler. Anyway, that was the long explanation of why she was able to come with me yesterday, and it was certainly a treat for me to have her.
I picked her up, because she is living with her parents for her last few weeks in Boise and their house is in south east Boise, fairly near the hospital. We were planning to get lunch before treatment, but I was late, as is my custom, so we had to amend those plans a bit. Since I have been doing chemo, some things that used to be fairly easy have become fairly complicated, and one of those things is bill paying. What used to take me a couple of hours one day a month now drags out for a week or more. I find it almost impossible to stay awake long enough to balance the checkbook, go through the old receipts in my wallet and match them up to the bank and credit card statements, write the checks, put the stamps and address labels on the envelopes, and put the rubber band wrapped bundle in a mail box, so I do a little bit one day, like get everything together that I need, then take a nap. The next day I go through the bank statement, then I take a little nap, the next day I match up the receipts, then nap, the next night I write a couple checks, and you get the idea. Therefore, I have to start this process much earlier than I used to or risk the dreaded late fees. So the reason I was late to pick up Ashley, which is the point of this whole bill paying tirade, is because my property tax bill had to be postmarked on Monday, so I had to go to the bank to get money in and make sure my accounts were all in order, and then get that darn property tax bill into the post office safely. Mission accomplished. If you ever want to hear the story of the year I forgot to put postage on my property tax bill, and the angst associated with that dreadful mistake, I will be happy to tell you about it.
So I picked her up, and she was dutifully waiting right outside ready to go, so even though I was very late, we got to the clinic only a few minutes past appointment time. The afternoon was very quiet in comparison to the morning, especially the chemo suite where the blood draws and the infusions are done. Ashley and I dutifully worked on a puzzle while we waited, and I've got to say I was in the zone for once. I was finding just the right pieces with very little trial and error. I'd probably placed a dozen pieces before they called me in to draw blood, and that was only about 5 minutes after we arrived. For me, that's phenomenal puzzle building.
As usual now, there was no trouble with the port access and smooth sailing with the blood draw. Ashley and my nurse talked a little shop while the draw was in process, and that was fun to listen to--a little nurse lingo. In no time we were back at the puzzle having fun, only to be ripped away again to see the doctor. Of course there's no waiting in the lobby, where it's comfortable and nice to be, and then there's always lots of waiting when you're sitting on the little bed with the crunchy paper on it in the exam rooms where there's only really old magazines you've read the last 10 times you were waiting for the doctor and a few wildlife pictures and pictures of the clinic's doctors on a bulletin board and the four walls and the sink and the cupboards and a door and a blood pressure cuff and not much else to look at. That's where all the good long waiting happens ironically. Luckily Ashley was there to save me from lonely boredom because the doctor probably was behind since it was the afternoon so he was much slower than usual. When Ashley met him she was impressed with his computer screen staring and his evil chemist wrinkly-eyed smile, and his total absorption in his calculations of exactly how much toxin he could prescribe to kill cancer cells without killing his patient. After he decided he was off without so much as a stethoscope coming in contact with any part of my body. He could tell just by looking at my blood counts that I was the picture of health and vitality.
Only moments after arriving back in the nicely appointed lobby with a fountain and windows and juices and comfy couches, I was called in to infusion. The chemo suite, where infusion happens, is also a pleasant room and the chairs are definitely chosen with comfort in mind. Everything went quickly there, since there were still several nurses available and very few patients for them to attend to.
After treatment, Ashley steered me in the direction of a new place in that little pink strip mall on Broadway right near the hospital. One of the surgical supply reps had recommended a new place called the Idaho Fry Company. They serve burgers, sodas, milkshakes, and 6 or 7 different kinds of fries. You can choose sweet potato fries, yam fries, Yukon gold fries, russet fries, white potato fries--you get the picture. Then they have different sauces and seasonings for the fries and different cuts, like curly or homestyle, and they cook them in healthy oils and all that kind of thing. Very chic. Big city fries. It was pretty good, but although I don't love all their food, nobody has fries as good as McDonalds. On certain kinds of foods, like fries, why mess with success? The hamburgers were much better than McDonalds, however. And Ashley is so delightful food tastes better in her company.
I was sad when I had to take her home at the end of the day, but although Rachel had taken Kate to swimming and piano for me, I still had some movies to return and a little grocery shopping to do. I have failed to mention that much of this time Tadman was at Melissa's house being well tended. Unfortunately, we had a little failure to communicate between Greg and I, so I thought Tadman was already picked up, but actually he was at Melissa's still all during my errands, so he was there a long long time before I finally came to get him when I realized he wasn't home after grocery shopping. Thank you, Melissa, for putting up with the boy all afternoon and into the evening. He must have played hard, because he was pretty tired when he got home!
Only one more Adria treatment until I move on to Taxol! According to reports by my doctor and nurse the symptoms with Taxol are much less severe. Of course, my doctor may say next week that it was 20 doses of Adria, not 15 that he scheduled, but I hope not. That would be very bad news.
As usual, I have many acts of kindness to report this week. Many of the ladies in the 9 o'clock water aerobics class I've been going to, but have missed the last few weeks because of swimming lessons, have written me cards and letters of encouragement. It has been very uplifting to get one or two of them in the mail each day. I love how they sign them with their name, and then their usual spot at the pool, such as "Love, Anne (lap lane closest to diving board)". I hope to get back to class soon to thank them. We're still getting great meals, Carrie Nielson brought me a perfectly beautiful pink rose in full bloom, Laurie Gabrielsen took me on an excursion to the temple and bought me a smoothie and lunch afterwards, and just today Brenda bought me lunch at Costa Vida and then she and Stuart packed up our bikes and bike trailer and took Kate, Tadman, and me on a bike ride on the Greenbelt, and bought us an ice cream at Dairy Queen after. Isn't that nice? Kate had a great time riding her little bike a million rotations a minute and then running out of steam and stopping for multiple water breaks. Every time Tadman would wiggle out of the bike trailer and Stuart would round him up and strap him back in again. My long suffering sister is still helping with laundry several times a week. I've missed seeing my mom the last few times, but she's still helping with that job. I know that's a sacrifice for my sister's whole family, because time spent doing my laundry means time she can't do her own. Please forgive me if you've done something nice for me and I've failed to mention it. I have so many people do things for me that sometimes I can't remember them all when I write, but please know how much I appreciate everything each of you do. With all this support, I just might make it through this long, long process. I'm really enjoying the summer, the kids, the yard, and the varied and mostly cool spring weather. All in all, life is pretty good with my biggest disappointment being myself and my own human frailty. Endurance is the key, and we'll see if I have it.

How to Raise Active, Healthy Children, Cure Cancer, and Make the World A More Beautiful Place in 24 Hours or Less!

Monday! Swimming lessons! Treatment! Piano lessons! Group therapy! Dinner! Planting flowers! And I'm exhausted.
Kate is taking swimming lessons bright and early last week and this. She starts at 8:45 and goes till 9:15. I like getting her going early and starting her day with something that gets her a little exercise and a sense of accomplishment. She's already a very good swimmer and in the advanced class with kids a couple of years older than she is. She needs those swimming skills for the times Parker plays rough with her and dunks her in our pool, you know.
I got home from swimming with just enough time to put a little numbing cream on my port site, give the kids a few assignments, and be off for treatment, this week with my friend, Sarah Nokleby. We were on time, there was a parking space, there was a good puzzle to finish--the one Justine and I started a few weeks ago. Everything seems to go great on treatment day, other than getting the treatment and feeling sickly for the rest of the week.
I saw the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor today. I'm not sure if he was out or just busy. She's always very nice to me and empathetic and gives me a thorough exam. There's not much new to tell. She prescribed the same dose of chemo as last week, so I elected to keep the steroid dosage reduced. She felt sad that my feet are bugging me so much and encouraged me to take more Prevacid to keep the stomach acid at bay, and a fiber supplement to regulate the digestive system, etc. etc. This is why you should never take prescription drugs unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. They mess up your system so much you need to take all these other remedies to combat the side-effects of the drugs. That's why I used to be a 4 Tylenol a year girl. Those were the days!
Chemo was nothing special except for conversation with Sarah, a more quiet, laid back atmosphere because of the later starting time, and my pick of the chairs. It's always very cool to get your favorite chair.
Sarah and I enjoyed lunch at Red Robin after chemo--always a good old reliable, I think--and then got back to our homes and kids. Sarah's kids had called her about 8 times during our stay at MSTI, so I know they were anxious to see her. I had to get back to get kids places and make sure Kate got home safely from piano lessons.
Mondays are go, go, go days for me, and once I got home I had to get Parker to a group session he's doing at the office of the counselor he's been seeing. He's not very gung-ho about the whole group therapy idea, and today did nothing to change his mind. They had a giant slip and slide, but they did it with their clothes on and they all had to do it to the doctor's specifications, like all the kids had to slide all the way from one end to the other. This turned out to be very difficult for Parker, so in the end the other kids decided the best solution for ending group would be to drag Parker across. Parker didn't like that very much so he was a little chapped. The whole point of this group is to get kids to deal with adverse situations, lots of stimulation, lots of other kids and their hyperactive tendencies, and teach them to learn strategies to get through it all appropriately. For 12 to 14 year-old boys with a variety of social issues this is much more difficult than it sounds. So Parker needed a good long time on the way home and in the garage after to get himself balanced again. I am hoping all this helps him when he has to deal with a new school year and all the chaos that comes with it.
While Parker was decompressing, and Rachel was dealing with a troubled friend, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get dinner, plant flowers, pay bills, and write a blog. We ended up getting take-out from Costa Vida, I got the flowers planted, I'm getting the blog done, but the dang bills are going to have to get done tomorrow.
If you're curious, last week was better for me emotionally than the week before. I wasn't nearly as despondent. I am hoping it has to do with the lower dose of steroid and it will continue this week. That way I can enjoy the very full, rich life I have with a husband and 5 kids, a cat, a gecko, a bunny, and assorted friends, musical instruments, an XBox Live, and a pool.
Thanks to my mother-in-law, Dee, and her husband, Ron, who spent several days last week getting our overgrown yard trimmed and cleaned up and all the resultant debris and trimmings taken to the dump. What a huge job that was! They also entertained Tadman while they worked and kept him last night and today while I was at treatment. I think "thank you" is an understatement after all that. I'll just have to return the favor sometime in the future when I'm back in full contact gardening shape. You may have to wait until next summer. Thank you to Heather and my mom for picking up laundry again today. Heather fell ill last week and skipped a few of her regular times and I tried to do a few loads on my own and I'm already even more pathetic at laundry than I used to be. That is a great service to me! I got a card of encouragement today from my water aerobics instructor, I think because I've been skipping to take Kate to swimming lessons. It's so nice of her to be concerned about me. And thanks to everyone who brought meals in last week and cleaned on Friday morning. I know many of you have done 2 or even 3 meals now, and many of you have cleaned multiple times. I appreciate you sticking with me through the marathon this treatment will be before I'm done. They gotta make sure they kill all those bad cells along with the good, ya know. All the service you are doing certainly makes a difference to me. I will try to be worthy of it by being good to my family and by doing my best to endure this chemo cheerfully.

Doctor Says What???

The photo is just a little reminiscence of the good old days. I felt pretty lively the day Becky took these--about a thousand years ago in chemo time.

It's late and I need to sleep, but I had to talk treatment day. It's now the official high point of the week.

Camille Miller picked me up at 8:15 (or maybe a little earlier even) and had to wait for me. I was doing my hair! Greg took Tadman to Melissa's house to play with her kids while I was gone. It takes a load off my mind to have him watched when I'm away for a long time since my kids are in and out all day and I'm never sure if they'll designate another sibling in charge before leaving. Thank both of you for volunteering for hard duty today!

Camille and I were getting lucky right from the get go this morning. There was still a parking space in the MSTI lot, we got to start a brand new puzzle, and treatment was expeditious (is that a word?) as usual. The port was accessed easily, the doctor didn't make me wait, he was in a good mood and lowered my dosage of chemo because of bad feet even, all was well, then BAM! The hitch! This was my twelfth adria administration, in my mind my twelfth and last, but unfortunately in my doctor's mind it was the twelfth of FIFTEEN. How did that happen? That means 3 more treatments, more of those super expensive Neupogen shots, and 4 more weeks of bad symptoms.

Off to infusion and I had the sympathetic ear of my nurse. I told her about my downer of a week, and about how I thought it was a side effect of the steroid, and she talked to the pharmacist and got my dosage reduced. This might, however, lead to more nausea and stomach problems, but that may be better than the despondency. And I get to experiment this week and find out which is worse. At least no one has to hold my hair for me if I start throwing up.

So treatment day wrapped up. Don't worry about the puzzle. Camille got the edges all ready for the next puzzle efficienado while I was with the doctor. My doc had scribbled me out a scrip--I though for Neupogen--so Camille and I dropped it off, then had some lunch at the Brick Oven Bistro on the patio while waiting for it to be filled. The food, the atmosphere, and the company were great. When we went back for the prescription there was another surprise. The prescription he'd given me was a completely new subscription, a medicine to prevent ulcers (are you kidding me? I have to worry about ulcers now?) and he didn't tell me anything about it or why he wrote it for me or when to start taking it or anything. The instructions say I'm supposed to take it four times a day on an empty stomach, either an hour before or 2 to 3 hours after eating. Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to work that in when I HAVE to take food with the other medicines I take? I'm going to need a personal assistant to figure that out. Oprah could do it.

I didn't have much time to wonder because Kate had to get to a piano lesson and Parker to a group session at the clinic I'm taking him to, so it was back in the car. When I got home Hunter and his friends were jamming in the living room. We've got a lot of stuff hooked up in there. How did they manage to turn my living room into a recording studio when I was gone only a few hours? After a jam session you need a little pizza, Hunter let me know, so we got them fed and practiced and they threw a few water balloons and went on their way. I don't know about having all that gear in my living room, but other than that I'm thrilled to have them, and they're pretty good! If they keep coming I'm going to make them watch "The History of Rock and Roll" for inspiration. We'll have a little School of Rock right here.

It was hours ago we wrapped all that up, so I better wrap this up. As you can probably tell, in spite of the bad news at the doctor, I'm in much better spirits today. The steroid works well the first couple of days before crushing my spirit, so I'm going to do all I can to enjoy my early week before it turns on me.

Special thanks to everyone making comments after yesterday's blog. It HELPS A LOT knowing you all feel my pain and will do all you can to carry me through it. So Sarah, this is for you. Tonight "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!" Tomorrow, of course, may bring a retraction of that statement.

I Blame the Aliens

I keep waiting to feel any kind of inspiration to write, and it's not happening, so I'll write anyway in the hope that it will come to me as I go.
Having never done cancer treatment before, I am not sure if what I'm experiencing at this point in the course of things is typical or not. My old roller coaster ride has gone flat, not at the peak, but at the valley, or maybe below the valley in the underground caverns, and I'm just down there now, noticing how different I've become, not seeing my blessings, but only my weaknesses which are growing exponentially. It really feels like my body is dying from the extremities in--the tips of my fingers and the bottoms of my feet and much of my brain seem dead already. I don't even recognize myself. The first time Rachel and I went to MSTI we looked at the frail, pale skinned, bald patients and wondered what I was doing there. Now I fit right in.
I am so tired of my weaknesses, my huge limitations, my ineffectiveness as a mother, my powerlessness as a woman and homemaker. I realize probably a lot of these feelings are the drugs--maybe even all of them, but in my weakened state I feel more like rolling over and going comatose than like battling the demons.
Having my kids home with me isn't inspiring the happy togetherness I was unrealistically looking forward to. Surprisingly, like every other summer, the period of adjustment to summer is ripe with conflict and turmoil and increased disorganization and messiness. There's a lot of "he took my i-pod" and "I don't want her to swim with us" and "my friends think he's weird". None of it is really unexpected or different that other summers, but I feel so different, I thought that would rub off on my family.
So I'm going to dig deep here to think of some good things that happened this week. I loved the thunder, lightning and rain. Weather like that is spectacular, and rain in Boise--always good. I enjoyed working in my yard for a half hour here and there this week. To me nothing is more satisfying and therapeutic than yard work. I had a lovely nap with Tadman this week, and that almost never happens any more. I enjoyed the Saturday morning breakfast for Janet Caufield's birthday. It was good to see Julie Brann before she left and to be with friends on a Saturday morning. It was fun to see Kate playing with her friend Andrew Hill before he moves to Virginia. They had such a good time together and played so contentedly. It was good to have Rachel come home from Legacy yesterday afternoon and suggest that she and I go to dinner and a movie together. We had Thai food at the Pad Thai House, the best Thai food in Boise, had dip cones at Fanci Freeze, the best dip cones in Boise, and then went to "The Soloist" at the Flicks, almost certainly not the best movie playing in Boise, but Rachel's company is always a treat.
Please know that I continue to be grateful for the physical, emotional, moral, and spiritual support I get from family and friends on a daily basis. If I seem less appreciative, please remember I am not myself, hopefully not even close to myself, and that I hope the aliens return me to my body someday. Or maybe they have my body--I'm not sure how that works.

Another Treatment Day Down and Wrapping up the School Year--a Little Early

Sorry the blog posts seem to be fewer and farther between as treatment progresses. I am a little less motivated in all things now--except taking a steady supply of toxins and drugs designed to cure cancer by killing all the fast growing and allegedly nonessential cells in my body.
The good news is another treatment day is in the books. Karen Davis was kind enough to keep me company and supply moral support and great conversation this week, while Annette Hurst wrangled Tadman for several hours and let him have the job of watering her lovely plants.
When Karen and I arrived at MSTI, I was thrilled to see the puzzle still out Justine and I had started the previous week. Apparently everyone else who goes there has the same experience I do. Every time you get started on those puzzles they call you in for the next part of your appointment. They're just far too efficient for good puzzle building at that place. Although Karen and I didn't place many pieces this week, we did find the important key pieces we were looking for for the most part.
Everything went smoothly and according to schedule as usual. My port was accessed with ease, my blood counts were good, the nurse practitioner saw me in place of Dr. Montgomery, on a graduation trip with his son, she gave me a good exam and recommendations for supplements to help with the nerve damage being done to my feet and hands, and then infusion was quick and painless. Karen participated in all the action, asked questions, kept the time flying with interesting topics, and it was over. At the end I met with the genetic counselor who gave me a quick run-down on genetic testing, reasons for it, possible outcomes, benefits, and costs. I have decided to do the testing if my insurance company will pay for a good portion of the test, and maybe even if it doesn't, since I think the test will give me valuable information I can use to determine the extent of surgery I should undertake and the possible increased precautions my children should take in the future as they do testing and start families and that sort of thing.
So treatment was delightful as always, and after Karen took me to Berryhill and Company and we had the tastiest lunch in the most beautiful setting with ideal weather and excellent food. I highly recommend that restaurant for lunch. They have a superb patio for outdoor dining.
Treatment days always seem to end up being super busy in the afternoon the past few weeks. After Karen dropped me home I remembered I needed to pick up Tadman. As I mentioned earlier I found him happily watering plants in Annette's garden and riding on "his" bike in her back yard. I got to see Annette's house, which is beautiful and happy, for the first time, and got a content toddler back.
When I got him back I decided to take him with me on a few errands, primarily the banking type, then remembered I had to get home to take Parker to the doctor's office for a group session. Tadman had fallen asleep in the car in the meantime, so I sat with him while he slept so Parker could do his group. Fortunately it was a breezy day, so with the windows open the car stayed cool.
In the meantime, Hunter called to say he was doing a little job holding one of those street corner signs and needed to be picked up, so immediately after Parker's appointment we headed to pick Hunter up. There was more waiting in the car while he finished up. Then he wanted to go to Joe's sporting goods to see some football cleats, but when we got there it was already closed for good. I picked my starving kids up a burger snack on the way home, Hunter was off to hang with his friends, and the other kids enjoyed joining Kate and Rachel in the swimming pool. I even got a little yard work in before we all had dinner and crashed for the evening. And at last another treatment day was in the books for good.
Today I enjoyed sending Kate off to school for "purple" day with her purple shirt and purple eye shadow and a happy smile before heading to Lowell Scott to see Parker get a well deserved award from Mrs. Evans as the most improved student in her class. He seemed so happy to get the award and so optimistic, maybe the happiest I've seen him all school year. He was only worried about serving his last half day of suspension tomorrow because yearbooks are being handed out that day and the day will be devoted to signing those yearbooks. So, foolishly, I decided to see if I could speak with Mrs. Bernal and see if I could take Parker home for the rest of the school day to serve that half day of suspension so he could come for the yearbook day and last day of the year. I went to the office to seek her out, but was told if I wanted to talk to her I'd have to go talk with her in the lunch room. I approached her with a handshake and introduction to which she responded, "I know who you are." Off to a bad start already. I asked her about the possibility of taking Parker home for the rest of the day so he could attend tomorrow and she said "Absolutely not." She explained that she'd reviewed her records and felt like she'd been very lenient on Parker already and she was absolutely not flexible with the suspension in any way at this point. This was all a surprise to me since in an earlier conversation she had told me she had no preference of days the suspension was served. But everyone has a right to change their mind. I am continually flabbergasted by the way she has handled this situation, simultaneously saying she understands Parker's offense was unintentional, that he's a good kid, and yet at the same time emphasizing this punishment as much as she possibly can, talking to me harshly and inflexibly, and just being generally unpleasant and difficult. It's the natural punctuation mark to a very difficult year, but since he's not going tomorrow it's now officially over. And Mrs. Bernal has very graciously offered to give me Parker's yearbook on Thursday or any day in the two week window following Thursday, so he'll have a lot of fun with it then when his few friends are scattered for the summer. Give us a few weeks and maybe we'll have figured out what Parker was supposed to learn from this unpleasant end of year experience. I must say I have a whole new appreciation for Mr. Jochum, the former principal. He was extremely on top of things, level headed, and easy to deal with. Every issue I discussed with him was well handled and efficiently dealt with.
Other than that unpleasantness and the fact that Rachel's come down with a cold and ear infection for her last few days of school, everyone else seems to be pretty happy with the end of the school year wrap-up. I am mostly looking forward to having them home for the summer, but feel like I need to offer them more structure and more jobs than a regular summer so we can stay on top of the chaos of leisure time. That's the plan anyway.
Thanks again for helping our family keep on top of a busy life by helping us with meals and cleaning and other needs. Laurie, the roses are beautiful and inspiring. Karen and Annette, treatment day was a pleasure because of your help. And to Mrs. Bernal, thanks for humbling and challenging us and helping us grow by keeping us scratching our heads.

Flowers, Another Treatment Day, and A Suspension, Ugh!

It's Wednesday, and this whole week is wacky and thrown off because my treatment day was Tuesday this week due to the Memorial Day holiday. By the way, I shopped for pots almost all morning Memorial Day, finally found some at Lowe's, of all places, after I'd been to all my more promising stores which had nothing, and then spent the rest of the day planting flowers while my kids swam and partied. I love days like that. Working in the yard while my kids are either working along side me or playing in the pool is about my favorite kind of family activity. Rachel stayed home and helped me plant while the rest of the family went to a picnic. I was sorry to miss the party, but I was glad to get those flowers in the pots so they didn't die. I finished up the whole job late last night after dinner and getting the little kids to bed. I do have more containers to fill, so if I get another burst of energy I might do more.
Back to treatment day, Justine took me this week while Mindy and her boys took care of Tadman. He likes going there because there are three boys to play with! Justine and I got to start a new puzzle straight out of the box, so we had lots of action turning all the pieces over and separating out the edge pieces and all that. Yes! I always wish there was more time for the puzzles--much more entertaining than magazines or television.
Since it was Tuesday, there were a lot of unfamiliar faces, both nurses, patients, and volunteers, but all were just as nice as my regulars. A nurse I'd never met before did my blood draw, and she had no problem at all--first try again! Justine joined me in the exam room for my doctor's appointment, and let me tell you, she had a very positive effect on Dr. Montgomery. He was positively charming. He offered conversation, encouragement, listened to my heart and had my lie down and examined my stomach. That's positively thorough for him. My nurse Cathy was gone, sadly at a patient's funeral, but the replacement nurse was very kind and complimentary.
Then, back to the waiting room for a little more puzzle time, then all too soon called into the chemo room for the infusion. I was treated by the head nurse of the unit, and she told Justine and I the delightful story about two hummingbird eggs laid in a nest in her yard. She is spraying the squirrels with water bottles to protect the tiny eggs. In a few weeks she'll have baby humming birds in her yard. Can you imagine how small baby humming birds will be?
The infusion went smoothly and quickly and Justine was kind enough to ask a cute girl who comes for treatment where she got her cap (Target). I must get one before my hair grows back. My treatment nurse recommended Zen Bento for lunch, so Justine and I went there and enjoyed some great stir fry with tender barbecued meat and brown rice or noodles. Delicious!
After picking Tadman up an returning to my house, my front door was wide open. Justine came in with me in case any intruders needed to be beat up, but I guess it was just an oversight, because nothing was gone and no one was in the house. Thank you Justine and Mindy for the treatment day help. I must have Justine go again. She brings out the best in my doctor!
Now for the bad news, while I was at treatment, Parker was in trouble at school. Here's the story as I've pieced it together from Parker's account that of Ms. Bernal, the 6th grade assistant principal. After break on Tuesday, Parker got to his locker to get his books for his next class only to find his locker had been broken into and vandalized. Books were torn, papers were scattered over the hall and something had been jammed into the locker to make it difficult to reopen. Parker saw Ms. Bernal in the hallway and asked for assistance getting his locker open and his possessions gathered. She helped him clean up, got things back in his locker and sent him off to class. At this point Parker told Ms. Bernal that he sometimes preset his locker combination so his locker would easily open when he came back between classes. He has a hard time getting a locker open, getting the materials he needs and getting back to class on time. So Parker went to class, and Ms. Bernal discovered from others students nearby who had vandalized the locker. When the student who trespassed and vandalized Parker's locker was brought to her office to be disciplined, he offered up some information to get a little of the heat deflected away from himself. He told Ms. Bernal that when he was going through Parker's locker and vandalizing it he had come across a knife. At that point Ms. Bernal let herself back into Parker's locker, had another look through his possessions and found at the very back of the locker under a bunch of books and papers, a small Swiss army pocket knife. She called Parker immediately to her office. He admitted it was his, although said he had no idea it was in his locker and had forgotten it was there. He hadn't showed it to anyone, talked to anyone about it, or anything like that. It was literally just thrown in the back of the locker. She told Parker that was an offense punishable by expulsion, but under the circumstances she would show leniency and suspend him for three days instead, including the last day of school. Poor Parker was devastated. He really had no idea the knife was in his locker and then he was blindsided by the punishment. Ms. Bernal wouldn't tell me what the punishment was for trespassing, vandalizing, and bullying (this same kid has done this to Parker's locker a half dozen times this year, as well as slamming his locker shut often right after Parker has opened it between classes) but assured me his punishment would be severe. Parker heard that he got one day of in-school suspension. Okay, so I understand the knife thing, because it's a district rule that is set in stone apparently that any knife at school is punishable by suspension or expulsion regardless of the circumstances, but it seems a little crazy to me that this bullying and criminal behavior is a less severe crime when the intent is to do evil in the one circumstance, and the other (Parker's crime) is just a crime of disorganization or negligence with no intent to harm or harass another student. Parker has just been bullied to death this year, called names, had chewed gum stuck in his hair, etc. etc. I can't wait to get him out of that school!
The good news is I get him home with me for a couple of days. The bad news is this is one more bad memory Parker has to punctuate a long, hard sixth grade year. I have done everything I can think of to find him an advocate at the school, talked to teachers, counselors, he's tried to get help from teachers overseeing the hallways, and nothing's worked. We're both exhausted by it. Thank goodness the year is almost over. Now one day closer to being over for Parker.
Today Parker watched Tadman for me while I went to water aerobics. I really love the class. It is an adequate workout, but relaxing and gentle on the body, and it feels more like play than a hardcore workout since it's kind of like playing in the water. Plus water is just inherently relaxing. But then a couple hours later I'm just exhausted. It's strange considering how good I feel right after I finish the class.
My sister and my dutifully came and made beds and dropped off laundry today. Tadman got an extra treat when he got to go to Walmart with them in my sister's yellow truck. He was more than excited.
I crashed in the afternoon, but somehow all the kids got to their evening activities and the little kids survived. I attempt to get Tadman to nap with me but he's impossible to get to sleep during the day anymore, but then crashes at dinnertime. Tonight he fell asleep in the tacos Kathleen Anderson provided us for dinner. But I'm not ready to give up on those afternoon naps quite yet.
In conclusion tonight I need to remember my blessings. I've really been obsessing over Parker's suspension and I'd like to try to let that go and move on to more positive thoughts. I am thankful for the beautiful weather of the past few days. It's all of a sudden summer with the long days, warmer evenings, and beautiful bright night sky. I'm thankful, of course, for the variety and color and scents of flowers and the relaxation and satisfaction I get from planting and nurturing them. I am thankful for the patience and stamina of all my helpers, many of whom have brought 2 or 3 meals now, many of whom come multiple times a week to do things for me. I'm thankful for my kids who challenge, love, and entertain me and add variety and interest to my life and make me forget I have cancer. I'm thankful for Greg who keeps plugging away at work, somehow continues to provide, and picks up a lot of extra chores he's not excited about. I'm thankful for the strength and stamina and endurance my body has in spite of this cancer treatment. It somehow keeps responding and regrouping even though I get poison pumped into it each week. With the exception of the feet which are pretty messed up. Notice I have ten treatments under my belt. Only 2 more Adria treatments and then on to Taxol!

The Real Me During Cancer Treatment

I have a yearly tradition, usually it falls on Memorial Day weekend, to buy flowers for all my pots, plant them, and put them tastefully throughout my yard for that little burst of color. Then Greg and I are slaves to the pots for the rest of the summer because they have to be watered every day. The funny thing is how consistent this experience is from year to year. Almost every year I go to Home Depot for the flowers. I have the perception that they are cheaper there--I've never really checked around much to see if my perception is reality. Usually someone comes with me on the flower selection day--this year it was Rachel, Parker, and Kate--and every year the person or people who come with me get burned out before I'm done and end up going home, and then Greg comes and picks me up when the flower selection process is complete. Rachel drove the other kids home this year, and again Greg had to come get me later. Then, I never have enough time to plant all the flowers in one sitting, so the flower planting always ends up taking several days. There are lots of things I hate about this tradition, and yet the tradition continues. Every year I think, "Next year I'll just go by myself so I won't have to worry about my kids getting bored," or "Next year I'll buy fewer plants so I can plant them all at once," but somehow it never happens. It's tradition. Saturday was the day I did the plant shopping. I loved it, but it did take almost all day, and so far two pots have been planted and all the other flowers are patiently waiting.
So it was Sunday today and I went to church as I always do on Sunday, but I had some thoughts that came to me that I wanted to share on my blog today. I think every one's getting the wrong idea about me. People seem to have the impression that I'm strong and positive and heroic. I want to be more honest with you so you get the real picture of what I'm like. I do have some good days, some positive days, but I am mostly at the mercy of all the drugs I'm taking to combat cancer. The steroid I get with my infusion particularly takes me on a ride emotionally. I feel optimistic on treatment day and the day or 2 after, but when the steroid goes away, the optimism goes with it. On Thursdays and Fridays my mood alters drastically and those days I feel old, tired, and worthless. On those days in my mind it doesn't matter if cancer treatment works because I have so little to offer my family, my friends, or the world anyway. I cry a lot. I see life happening around me but feel very detached and separate from it. I am distant from my husband and disconnected from my kids on the down days. This feeling comes like clockwork every week, and deepens as I get further into the treatment schedule.
The side effects aren't only emotional. Besides losing my hair, which was way more traumatic than I ever thought it would be, I have mouth sores, indigestion, extreme heartburn and excess stomach acid, extremely hard bowel movements which result in a very sore bottom, a burning sensation in my hands and feet, and big sheets of skin peeling off of the bottoms of my feet. This is in addition to a strong aversion to food most days and difficulty swallowing and drinking.
All that said, hearing about other people's struggles during treatment and their more extreme reactions, I know I am very fortunate to feel as good and as strong as I do. But if there is someone else who is doing cancer treatment reading my blog, I wanted you to know I am not stronger than you are, or more optimistic. Cancer treatment is bleak. It's lonely. Get and MRI or a Pet Scan and you realize right away, you can bring a loved one with you to the appointment, but you have to leave them in the waiting room and do the test alone. To me those tests were symbolic of the entire treatment. Friends and family do all they can to help, but when it comes down to it you are alone. All you have is your own strength, your own stamina, your own will, and your own faith.
Being in the midst of treatment I don't know all the lessons I still have to learn, but here are some ways I've changed so far. Cancer has made me humble. I realize I am small and weak and insignificant in so many ways. Cancer has opened my eyes to the struggles and sorrows of the world around me. I honestly didn't recognize how many people suffered from illness and poverty and countless other afflictions until I stepped into their company. Now I will never be back where I was before even if I make a complete recovery. Cancer has made me realize how necessary the Savior is in our lives. We can't do it without Him even if we're having such a great life we don't recognize our need. It says in the scriptures that at some point every knee will bend and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Savior, and having cancer has made my knee bend like never before.
I wanted everyone to know I am not special or heroic. I talked to Joetta Stott at church today and heard that her daughter-in-law had a severe reaction to her first chemotherapy infusion and had to be hospitalized. She didn't do anything different than I did, but every person undergoing chemotherapy is at the mercy of the treatment. We just get what we get and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other until the course we've been prescribed is over. I hope that first treatment is the biggest bump in the road for her.
I appreciate the support all of you offer to me, and I am sorry if I am less responsive and creative in expressing my appreciation than I used to be. I don't mean to imply from what I've said above that your help is pointless. I love having a friend at treatment and going to lunch means less time thinking about and preparing food, which is a big help. Dinners and house cleaning takes a burden off me and gives my family a sense of routine and normalcy. Notes of encouragement and comments on my blog help me realize I am not alone and that my friends haven't grown tired of the whole ordeal. Earrings from Bethany are just a very happy and unexpected surprise! Clean and folded laundry several times a week makes living at home like living in a fine hotel! I am very grateful to my personal network of family and friends offering an endless outpouring of support. Although I am alone in treatment, I am not alone in daily life. Please know I acknowledge and appreciate everything each of you do.